around the bend

My mind is a mangled mess. And whatever decisions I have to make… I’m just not. How are you supposed to decide on the thing that gives you so much joy yet brings you so much pain?

The weather has been drab the past few days and now I am under it.

It’s been so stressful here at the apartment the past few days that I had to go out just to breathe and think. and if I can’t be comfortable in my own home then there’s really not much left for me. I used to be able to take refuge in my little apartment. and if I want fresh air, I would just go outside and walk until I reach that park in front of the church. I would always end up there, sitting on the last pew, silently praying, sometimes, even crying for help. But all that’s gone now.

Anyway, I tried to relieve the stress by shopping for a pair of shoes. I made a little rule though. I can only buy a sensible pair. One that I can wear to work. (meaning I can wear them for about 8 hours) One that I can actually walk in. (meaning, no stilettos, no heels more than 2 inches). One that goes with my clothes (no purple, bright red or apple green pairs).

So I bought a book instead. Sensible shoes are mostly ugly. Who wants to buy ugly shoes?

I bought “Unless” by Carol Shields, the Pulitzer Prize winning author of The Stone Diaries. I don’t know why I bought the book. I haven’t heard of Carol Shields or her books before. But I am guessing that this will be a good read based on the reviews. and I just needed to buy something anyway.

With the number of books I currently have on queue, It’ll probably be a year before I get to read this.

I am stalling. I know. Crap. Not even Castro or Dylan can alleviate me from this dilemma. Again… what the hell have I gotten myself into?!

NP: Around the Bend : Pearl Jam
“off you dream, my little child
there's a sun around the bend
all the evenings close like this
all these moments that i've missed
please forgive me, won't you, dear?
please forgive and let me share...
with you around the bend”