kick start

Major, major changes coming up.

I wonder if the decisions I make right now will lead me to where I am supposed to be. But how are you to know, anyway? This may be the best or worst decision I will ever make.

Things are going on full speed… I hope I can do this. It’s scary but I am determined to rise above this. I have to. I don’t really have a choice. Shoot. Maybe I can retract my resignation…?

No. I have to do this. I have to at least try.

Maybe the timing is crazy. Maybe it’s perfect. I can only find out.

Things to look forward to in the weekend:

1. Two Sides – the Wolfgang concert.
2. Camping by the beach in Anawangin

Some crazy things I have to do in less than two weeks.

1. learn how to drive
2. get a driver’s license
3. complete my pre employment requirements
4. start with a new job

and in the not so distant future, maybe in a month or two:

1. move out
2. move on

and somewhere in between:

1. get a rockin’ new wardrobe that will go well with my
2. rockin’ new life.

sometimes I think I’m brave. But the truth is. I’m scared as hell. I am shaking as I type this.

NP: Eden : 10,000 Maniacs
All in time,
but the clock is another demon that
devours our time in Eden,
in our Paradise.
Will our eyes see well beneath us,
flowers all divine?
Is there still time?
If we wake and discover
in life a precious love,
will that waking become more heavenly?

my meDicine

sometimes, something big happens in your life... like a major decision you have to make and though you know what you should do, you still need your support system around you. Like when there's a major crossroad in your life and although you know which path to take, sometimes you still need someone you trust to tell you that what you’re doing isn’t totally insane. That if by any chance, you’re making a huge mistake, they will back you up and pull you out of the gutter if you happen to end up there. Maybe to assure you that you’re not totally out of your mind, or that you can do it.

Sometimes we seek that assurance from places where we used to find them. Like an old friend who used to believe in what you can be. Someone whose opinion matters to you. But there are things that time and distance can change, like a friendship you thought would surpass… well… time, distance, storms and all other calamities life happens to throw at you. But sometimes, sometimes it fades, sometimes it gets marred. Sometimes it’s just no longer what we believed it was.

And you find solace in unexpected places. Like a new friend who, in her quiet way… changes the way you see things and without her knowing it, she just helped you make one of the biggest decisions of your life.

When you come home to an empty house everyday, you get your strength from friends. Be them true or not. I’m just glad that despite my misgivings, I am still blessed with friends who take the time and effort to show me that they’re behind me. Maybe they can’t go as far as to hold my hand, but sometimes, knowing that they want to is all I need.

NP: Losing Keys : Jack Johnson
I've been losing lots of keys lately,
I don't know what that means
But maybe I've been better off with things that can't be locked at all
I've been feeling kind of sea sick lately,
See you reaching to me gonna save me
You were me, I would much rather take the fall

The world has its ways
To quiet us down
The world has its ways
To quiet us down comes the rain
Down comes our spirits again
But Down comes the strength
To lift us up and then...

untitled

Slow down and enjoy life.
It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast
You also miss the sense of where you are going and why ~ eddie cantor


How long has it been? I always feel like I’m trying to catch up on life. But the past month, I think I was able to rush right along with it. It was both good and bad. In reference to the quote above, I was able to enjoy the scenery. But somewhere along the amazing sights, the laughter, the disappointments, the highs and the lows… I lost sight of where I was going. And most importantly, why.

The past couple of months was a whirlwind… I did so much without accomplishing anything which makes it even more frustrating. I am no nearer to my goals after trying to catch up with everything and everyone. I'm not even sure why I'm in a hurry. I don't know why am I trying desperately to have everything. To do everything. To be everything. NOW.

Maybe it’s the time line I’ve set for myself. I have big plans for when I turn 30 which is a mere 3 months away. I want to enjoy the last few months I have remaining with my friends and family. Before I start a new life somewhere else. See, I have to start somewhere else. But at the same time, I am trying to juggle work and the things I have to do in preparation for my big move.

I need a major change. A life altering move. A twist so big, today would be a distant, vague memory. I want out. I can say this now with all certainty. And I am determined to do whatever it takes within the boundaries of what my conscience perceives as moral.

I don’t want to run anymore. I think it’s time I go home. But home isn’t here and I have to go find it.

I feel so old here. I want to be new again.

Brand new.

"She decided against wearing her shades. It's time to look at the big blue sky without rose colored glasses. She looked ahead and couldn't look back. Because walking away would be impossible if she found him there, standing by the door, looking back at her." ~ untitled