Monday, July 28, 2008

she's gone to the movies

There’s this song that I heard from the TV show “felicity” years ago that I really liked. I tried so find the song but those days it wasn’t so easy to find a song especially if you don’t know the title or the artist. So it just kinda slipped my mind. I think that song played (I’m not really sure) when Felicity finally jumped in the pool with Ben. If you know what I mean…

Then, probably 8 years later, it suddenly pops up on my iPod shuffle. Isn’t it amazing when things like that happen?

I am such lousy company these days, even I wouldn’t want to hang out with me. And for that, I apologize. I’ve just been really really tired. So many shit to take care of, it’s crazy. I guess this is what happens when you sleep all day for a month, huh? Ahh… makes me want to crawl back to bed and sleep for a month. Again.

Anyway, I am going to the spa later. And I’m getting the ultimate supreme feel good package. Kinda feel a bit guilty. But with the week I’ve had… I think it just about evens the field.

NP : she’s gone to the movies : semisonic

Now the rain comes down the windows and it

Drops onto the forehead of the waiting boy
He surveys his rental kingdom and he
Wonders if he's really lost his one joy
Another fool would go down to the
Only place she ever went to lose herself
She's gone to the movies now and she
Don't need your help
She's gone to the movies now and she's
Not coming home
She's gone to the movies now and she's
Not coming back

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

sweet little genius

I trained tascha how to sit!!! She’s so smart. I couldn’t be prouder. Before you know it that puppy will be doing math. Sweet little genius. Haha.

To my friends who drop by once in a while. I now have a doorbell. Please. Stop screaming at the gate and start pushing that tiny little button on the left side of the gate. it’s a bit obscured to keep the kids from ringing the bell 10x a day.

And to those asking for pictures of tascha. I will try to get some this weekend. I still have to borrow a camera coz my old one is still broken. I still haven’t gotten around to getting it fixed. And I’m lazy.

And I know that my home phone is not working. Globe is already working on it. i’m sorry if I seem to be out of touch. For some reason I just find it incredibly tiring to text. So much of an effort.

NP: para sa masa : eraserheads
mapapatawad mo ba ako
kung hindi ko sinunod ang gusto mo
pinilit kong iahon kangunit ayaw mo namang sumama
ito ay para sa mga masa

sa lahat ng binaon ng sistema
sa lahat ng fans ni sharon cuneta

Sunday, July 20, 2008

life. and life only.

tascha is mad at me. She bit me and my thumb is bleeding. And while I can now eat, she has decided to stop eating. She hasn’t been eating well since she left. And I think she’s mad at me for giving her away and leaving her. she cried again when I left earlier. She always cries when I leave. I hate this.

Another chub chub died. I think they’re all fighting again coz one of them has a new egg. I should stop getting new pets. Seriously. I’m not good at this. at all.

NP: It’s Alright, Ma (I’m only bleeding): Bob Dylan
"Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?
And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only."

Saturday, July 19, 2008

you know...

The one day training yesterday was a total waste of time. It was useless and pointless since all they did was tell everyone how much they know. I don’t see how all those things relate to my new job… and frankly, I didn’t learn anything new. I could have stayed in my apartment and slept all day and know the same things I knew after that freaking waste of MY time.

NP: All I Need : Radiohead
"I am all the days
That you choose to ignore
I'm a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all. It’s all."

Friday, July 18, 2008

Dark Knight



when they named the movie the dark knight, boy they weren’t kidding on the dark part. it was gritty and on the edge and by far the bleakest batman movie ever made. I think.

ledger was amazing as the joker. You keep looking for a person or a human being behind the make up, but you don’t see anything. Just a crazed lunatic. No rhyme, no reason. there is no doubt that this was the joker's movie. i'm not even going to say that the joker stole the movie. because he didn't. it was his.

The movie doesn’t make you breathe until the end. Coz life’s like that, I guess.. it doesn’t let you breathe until you’re way in over your head and you drown.
I think I have a new favorite joker. Hmm. Wait. No… it’s still a tie between nicholson and ledger. Oh, but ledger’s dead now. So he wins.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

happiness is a warm puppy


Just how many of your favorite things can you fit in one day? Well, apparently… a LOT.

- My favorite day. overcast, a slight drizzle now and then.
- My favorite strip. Finally bought that peanuts book I wanted and another one.
- My favorite ice cream. Haagen Dazs tiramisu and vanilla caramel fudge. With…
- My favorite food – crunchy waffles.
- My favorite voice singing my favorite dylan song. I smile every time castro comes up on shuffle, especially when it’s mr tambourine man.
- my (new) favorite shirt. that vintage japanese sonic youth shirt i bought in boracay.
- my favorite 19 year old. he looks so much like my college crush. and not just his smile, but more so his demeanor. they both have that sweet and childish quality that endears them to everyone.
- my favorite super hero. Batman, the dark knight. so fucking good.

My favorite day.

NP: Mr Tambourine Man : Bob Dylan
“Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.”

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

you got to breathe

Well… I was trying to figure out what I want to eat today… as I think/hope I’ll finally have just a little of my hearty appetite now.... I was thinking maybe roast beef or pasta with meat sauce… then guess what plays on my ipod? “meat is murder” by the smiths. After hearing lyrics like, “It’s not natural, normal or kind. The flesh you so fancifully fry. The meat in your mouth, As you savour the flavour Of murder” with animal cries in the background… how could you?

Argh. And I was so looking forward to going to the grocery to get some real food now that I think I can start cooking and eating in my apartment again.

damn.


NP: Big Eyed Fish : Dave Matthews Band
“Story of a man,
Who decided not to breathe.
Turned red, purple, then blue.
Colorful indeed.
No matter how his friends begged,
Well, he would not concede,
And now hes dead.
You see, cause everybody knows,
You got to breathe.”

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

lost dog and tag

Well, tascha’s gone now… The apartment seems suddenly so empty. Sometimes I still expect to hear her slight whimper.

I think I lost her tag. I couldn’t find it and there aren’t too many places where I could have left it.

and… I still can’t eat. But, it’s only been like 4 hours since she left, so…

While I am glad not to have to wake up at 6am tomorrow to clean dog poop… I still miss her.

Tascha, you heartbreaker you.

NP: Someday Baby : Bob Dylan
When all else fails I'll make it a matter of self respect
I try to be friendly, I try to be kind
Now I'm gonna drive you from your home, just like I was driven from mine
Living this way ain't a natural thing to do
Why was I born to love you?
Someday baby, you ain't gonna worry po' me any more.

Friday, July 11, 2008

tangled up in blue

I should never be let loose inside a bookstore these days. I end up buying books I’m not going to be able to read in a year AND spending money I no longer have. And yet I keep adding to the stack of unread books lying in my apartment.

Among other books, I bought Ray Bradbury’s sequel to Dandelion Wine, Farewell Summer and Annie Proulx’s Bad Dirt. I just couldn’t resist it. Anyway, some of the books were on sale. That’s really not an excuse, I know.

And it just occurred to me that even after I’ve gone on several book-shopping sprees, I still haven’t bought that Charlie Brown/Snoopy book I’ve wanted for a long time. Crap.


I think I should stop listening to Dylan for awhile. Tascha is starting to think her dad mumbles a lot and is kicking ass with the harmonica.

She is leaving on Monday. I am pretty sure she’ll be loved and cared for in her new home. I’ve started to prepare her stuff (records, papers, etc) and it’s so sad…

I bought this for tascha back when I was going to build her a dog house and a play ground downstairs. The dog looked so much like her.






Ah tascha… the little happiness I couldn’t keep.



NP: tangled up in blue : bob Dylan
"And I was standin' on the side of the road
Rain fallin' on my shoes
Heading out for the East Coast
Lord knows I've paid some dues gettin' through,
Tangled up in blue."

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Leave her alone! Goddamn you! Get out!

Haha. I like the title of this post. And also that it has nothing to do with anything.

So, I didn’t get the goblet. I got a mug.

And it turns out work wont start until (tentatively) the 21st. shit. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do till then.

Well… I can clean my house for starters… or... I don’t know. Stay in bed for one more week. I love my sleep.

Finally, I finished importing my Dylan albums. I thought I had all of them… but, according to the list in bobdylan.com, I don’t have the ones after 1990 and some other albums in between… but I’m getting there… they’re all on queue as I type this.

M wants us to go clubbing tomorrow night. I am really really not up for anything that requires me to get out of bed… much more dress up and travel for two hours to get drunk and dance. ah, but what are you gonna do?

I’ve been listening to Dylan the whole day… he sure is a poet.

Boots of Spanish Leather : Bob Dylan
“Oh, but if I had the stars from the darkest night
And the diamonds from the deepest ocean,
I'd forsake them all for your sweet kiss,
For that's all I'm wishin' to be ownin'.
That I might be gone a long time
And it's only that I'm askin',
Is there something I can send you to remember me by,
To make your time more easy passin'.
Oh, how can, how can you ask me again,
It only brings me sorrow.
The same thing I want from you today,
I would want again tomorrow.”

Ballad in Plain D : Bob Dylan
“All is gone, all is gone, admit it, take flight.
I gagged twice, doubled, tears blinding my sight.
My mind it was mangled, I ran into the night
Leaving all of love's ashes behind me.
The wind knocks my window, the room it is wet.
The words to say I'm sorry, I haven't found yet.
I think of her often and hope whoever she's met
Will be fully aware of how precious she is.”

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

straight up

I have to stop signing job offers if I don’t intend to actually get the job. At the rate I am going, I will be blacklisted from these companies and will probably regret it when and if the time comes that I am serious about working for them.

Anyway… I think I will be working for my previous company and I think work will start on Monday. I’m just not so sure yet and I’m still looking around.

In an effort to get my ass off my warm bed, M forced me to go with her yesterday. She is not the kind of person you reason with, because believe me, it is futile. So I went with her. Strange thing is that she gives really good relationship advice. Strange because she doesn’t come across as someone well versed in matters of the (broken) heart. And she always starts with … “ if you ask me” or “if you want my opinion…” which I find really amusing because with her, you really don’t have a choice. :)

We were supposed to get our social security ID’s but the capture machine wasn’t working… so we went to the mall and waited for her scheduled interview. I didn’t plan on applying at that company yet. But, I didn’t feel like going home so I gave my resume… and well… how do you answer the question, “what assurance do we have that this time, you’re not wasting our time again?” when you know that you are wasting their time, again? Hmmm…

My last shred of hope to keep tascha fell apart last night. I will miss her. She truly is my baby. Over the course of two weeks, I’m afraid that much like me, she has also learned to silently cry herself to sleep.

Well, right now, my only concern is if I should drink this chilled strawberry wine straight from the bottle or if I should get out of bed to get that giant goblet.
now, that channing tatum? one.hot.dude.


All things considered, I have an extended/special/deluxe now playing edition:

there is no if : the cure
"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...
And it starts the day you make the sign
"tell me I'm forever yours and you're forever mine
Forever mine... "

Remember the last time I told you I love you -

It was warm and safe in our perfect world –

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said

But it ends the day you understand
There is no if... just and
There is no if... just and
There is no if..."

going to california : led zeppelin
“I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
I’ll meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.
To find a queen without a king;
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.”

it doesn’t have to be that way : jim croce
“And the Christmas carols sound like blues,
But the choir is not to blame.
But it doesn't have to be that way.
What we had should never have ended.”

stop crying your heart out : oasis
“Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone”

two star : everything but the girl
“So it's not for me to say,
because I change my mind from day to day,
and when I look at you
I only see bits of myself anyway.
So go on, and stop listening to me.
Stop lisening to me.
And don't ask me what to say,
or to judge a life this way
when my own's in disarray.”

every grain of sand : bob dylan
“I hear the ancient footsteps like the motion of the sea
Sometimes I turn, there's someone there, other times it's only me.
I am hanging in the balance of the reality of man
Like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand.”


flowers in december : mazzy star
"Before I let you down again
I just want to see you in your eyes
I would have taken everything out on you
I only thought you could understand

They say everyman goes blind in his heart
And they say everybody steals somebody's heart away
And I got nothing more to say about it
Nothing more than you would me

Send me your flowers, of your december
Send me your dreams, of your candy wine
I got just one thing I cant give you
Just one more thing of mine

They say everyman goes blind in his heart
They say everybody steals somebodys heart away
And Ive been wondering why you let me down
And I been taking it all for granted."

oh, fuck.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

You’re a good man, Charlie Brown

Now that I’ve got that out…

what do I do on a slow Saturday morning? Hmmm… despite the pile of housework that I still refuse to do, I think I’m just going to stay in bed and read today. My legs feel like jelly and it’s a Saturday. I don’t work on weekends. No matter what. Ha.

Anyway… it’s time you meet my favorite underachiever.
Charlie Brown wins your heart with his losing ways. It always rains on his parade, his baseball game, and his life. He's an inveterate worrier who frets over trifles (but who's to say they're trifles?). Although he is concerned with the true meaning of life, his friends sometimes call him "blockhead." Other than his knack for putting himself down, there are few sharp edges of wit in his repertoire; usually he's the butt of the joke, not the joker. He can be spotted a mile away in his sweater with the zig zag trim, head down, hands in pocket, headed for Lucy's psychiatric booth. He is considerate, friendly and polite and we love him knowing that he'll never win a baseball game or the heart of the little red-haired girl, kick the football Lucy is holding or fly a kite successfully. His friends call him "wishy-washy," but his spirit will never give up in his quest to triumph over adversity. (snoopy.com)

R went over last night and brought over a bag of Doritos and a cinnamon loaf. She doesn’t know it, but she just fed me for a week. I have the greatest friends.

Friday, July 4, 2008

chicken shit

AWWWWW!!!

My face hurts. And my stomach hurts like a motherf*%ker. And that is putting it mildly. Excuse the profanity but I find it really really really comforting to throw around expletives when I am stark raving mad.

This is what happens when you withhold the truth from a friend, the same truth she’s repeatedly asked from you for years. She harbors an unreasonable amount of hate.

Snoopy.com is not working. It hasn’t been working since last night. there’s this strip I’ve been looking for where Charlie Brown says every child should have been issued with a dog and a banjo. And I can’t find it anywhere. I need my daily Charlie Brown strip, dammet!!!
Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit. - (it's called a br... yep i'm reading that book again. )

Ok, so here goes… you can all scream, “I told you so!!!” and feel free to raise an eyebrow, hit me with a jackhammer, add some adjectives, heck you can even throw in a profanity or two. I would humbly take it because I f@%king deserve it.

Anyway… I’ve done this before and I’m toughing it out. Don’t think I’m giving up. I’ve seen a lot of battles in my life and I have learned to choose which ones I fight and which ones just aren’t worth it.

So… I’m bringing out the troops. I have a bottle of tequila and half a bottle of strawberry wine left. Plus… I am willing to shell out a considerable amount of cash for vodka or/and red wine.

Meanwhile, I will drown my sorrows in the bowels of castrocopia where tour videos, love of the castropantz and profanity abound.

NP: walk on water : aerosmith
"I never seen a smile that looked so sad

A yeah... you make me feel so good 'cause you're so bad
Hey little darlin'
Your love is legendary
Love's four letters
Ain't in my dictionary"

Thursday, July 3, 2008

around the bend

My mind is a mangled mess. And whatever decisions I have to make… I’m just not. How are you supposed to decide on the thing that gives you so much joy yet brings you so much pain?

The weather has been drab the past few days and now I am under it.

It’s been so stressful here at the apartment the past few days that I had to go out just to breathe and think. and if I can’t be comfortable in my own home then there’s really not much left for me. I used to be able to take refuge in my little apartment. and if I want fresh air, I would just go outside and walk until I reach that park in front of the church. I would always end up there, sitting on the last pew, silently praying, sometimes, even crying for help. But all that’s gone now.

Anyway, I tried to relieve the stress by shopping for a pair of shoes. I made a little rule though. I can only buy a sensible pair. One that I can wear to work. (meaning I can wear them for about 8 hours) One that I can actually walk in. (meaning, no stilettos, no heels more than 2 inches). One that goes with my clothes (no purple, bright red or apple green pairs).

So I bought a book instead. Sensible shoes are mostly ugly. Who wants to buy ugly shoes?

I bought “Unless” by Carol Shields, the Pulitzer Prize winning author of The Stone Diaries. I don’t know why I bought the book. I haven’t heard of Carol Shields or her books before. But I am guessing that this will be a good read based on the reviews. and I just needed to buy something anyway.

With the number of books I currently have on queue, It’ll probably be a year before I get to read this.

I am stalling. I know. Crap. Not even Castro or Dylan can alleviate me from this dilemma. Again… what the hell have I gotten myself into?!

NP: Around the Bend : Pearl Jam
“off you dream, my little child

there's a sun around the bend
all the evenings close like this
all these moments that i've missed
please forgive me, won't you, dear?
please forgive and let me share...
with you around the bend”