the deepest blues

I wonder what the hell sucked the joy out of Christmas.

Christmas passed 13 minutes ago and I still haven’t done my Christmas shopping. It’s weird, really. The holiday season used to be the highlight of my year. I looked forward to shopping for gifts and wrapping them and stacking them under my nice little tree. This year, I tried to several times to go to the mall to shop for gifts. But when I get there, there’s always a reason to go home and postpone the whole thing. Things that never seemed to stop me all those Christmases ago… what happened? I just lost interest, I guess. It just stopped being fun and became more of a duty than anything else. And honestly, how can you even go about spending your hard earned money as a chore? This whole thing used to be so much fun. I miss those days. Maybe I am just getting old. Or maybe it’s something else.

I think it’s something else.

I have been thinking about leaving ever since I can remember. I wanted to live somewhere else. Last week, I was given the opportunity to do so. All I had to do was decide. And I couldn’t. I said I wanted to think about it more. Which is weird, coz I’ve always wanted to leave. And I knew that. Maybe I just got scared. All the comfort I know now will vanish once I leave… and then there’s the fear of the unknown.

My friends all think it’s a good idea to leave. They all agree that sometimes, you have to leave to make way for better things.

I tell myself I can always come back anyway. If things don’t work out, then I can go back home and start again… or maybe I can go to another place and start there. The point is, I can pretty much go and start wherever and whenever I want. I am not bound by any chain. And frankly, I have more reasons to leave than to stay.

I still want to do my research and other preparations I feel I need to do before I sign anything. But I will definitely pursue this. Which is kinda sad, considering how I spent my potentially last Christmas here. I know I’ll look back on this and wish that I spent more time with the people I love and care for… but what’s done is done… I think I still have like at the very least, six months here. I’m going to miss everyone. But…

It’s time.

backposts,rockstars and shoes

I back posted my second day in Pagudpud (to the moon and back). I have so many pictures of that trip that I want to post but I still haven't gotten around to posting them on a photo hosting site. I will post and back post the links as soon as I fix it.

There are so many things going on right now. work, parties, concerts, shoes... which reminds me, i have to go get my nails done. now.

And did you count many times I typed the word "post" in the last 5 minutes?

an apple a day...

I have been really really sick since I got back home from my trip. I thought it was the flu, but after visiting the doctor yesterday, it turns out to be bronchitis. Crap. I guess that explains why I've been in so much pain the past week. The doctor won't let me go back to work yet. This couldn't have come at a worse time.

Speaking of work... I am looking at another job. I think I'll know on Wednesday. I really hope this turns well.

I haven't posted the continuation of my trip to Ilocos yet, but I will. As soon as I remember where I saved the drafts. haha. I will also post the pictures I took during the trip. I am still not sure which photo hosting site to post them on. I'll post the link here once I get everything together.

For now, I shall lie down and watch cartoons all day.

the long way home

The journey back to manila was harsh. Sitting in a cold bus for more than 14 hours cannot be good for anyone’s health. (edit: A week after I got back to manila I will find out that I had bronchitis. I probably got it on my way to Vigan and dragged it all the way to Pagudpud and then back home.)

But the truth is, the bronchitis and the long, freezing ride home were nothing compared to the perplexity going on in my head. (Well… not really. I wasn’t confused… I mean, I think I knew all along. At the back of my head. I just refused to concede to the possibility. )

I got smacked in the head with an insight so big that I almost can't absorb it all at once.

It happened when I was getting ready to go home. I just spent the day walking on the beach and taking pictures while it literally stormed. I was right on schedule and putting lip gloss on when a realization dawned on me without warning.

Of course, it’s him. and no matter how i try to deny it, i know it's him.

One of my goals upon taking this trip was to sort some loose ends. Figure things out and look for direction. Like draw a map to the things I want to have and keep in my life. Figure out where I want to go. Draw up a path to what I really want. Up until I reached the town before Laoag, I was lost. I wasn’t sure about anything. But it was right after we passed a deserted cockfighting arena when I knew. I remember knowing, for sure what I will do as soon as I get back to manila.

Then back in that small cottage I rented for a few hours in Saud, I looked into the mirror and thought about how happy I was… about the trip, about my life, about everything… and only one thing was missing. And it was him.

And if he was there, I knew I couldn’t ask for more.

I brushed the tears off my cheeks and powdered my nose. I shrugged. It’s time to go home.

I went to the bus station and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible for the long ride home. I looked for the sunset. Then I looked for the moon. Who was I kidding, anyway? The playlist I created, all 177 songs (14 hours worth of songs), the main reason why I wanted to take a long road trip, were for or about him. It was him. And I didn't know where to start.

And there in the bus, with my aching back and heart of lead, I came to a decision. A decision that may forever change my life. But will never change my heart.

to the moon and back

I love waking up when the sun isn't up yet and I don't have to rush off somewhere. So, yesterday I took the ultimate Pagudpud tricycle adventure. Tricycle number 144, with Lenzer as the pilot.

I looked at some pictures on the internet before I took the trip, so I had an idea of the places I was going to see. BUT what I didn't expect or see when I did my research was this:

I didn't know I was going on a trip to the moon... then to Tatooine. haha. I love that place. it's something I’ve never seen before, except on Star Wars and in science class. We had to trek under the scorching sun for about 15 minutes before we got there. but it was totally worth it. first, you walk through a field of grass. Then you walk though the craters of the moon. or so it seemed. I was so amazed. I kept telling the tour guide that I felt like I was walking on the moon. I bet if I were to walk on the moon or another planet, it would look a lot like that place.

then, we went to the rock formation itself. that's the name of the place because I don't think there's any other way to call it. except maybe, sand formation. The rock looks a lot like sand that froze over. like you're on a desert, but the sand is rock solid. It was like being in Episode 1. I was half expecting Padawans and George Lucas to show up somewhere.


The first stop was the Bantay Abot cave. I wanted to go there and take really nice pictures. But the wind was crazy when we got there and I was so scared I’ll be blown off the cliff to the South China Sea, so this is the best picture I got.

Next was the Patapat Viaduct. (I really hope I got the names of the places right) then we went to Aqua Grande. It was nice. The water flowing from rock to rock created an illusion of steam coming off the rocks as the water flows from the mountain to the beach. it was beautiful. I wish I took better pictures.

I almost skipped the Kabigan Waterfalls. coz, really. how many waterfalls have you seen in your life? and don't they all just look the same? it's a good thing I didn't skip this one because it was beautiful. I think the 1.5 km trek to the falls is half the charm of the falls. The water was cool. not cold, but cool... the kind you'd love to jump in after walking under the sun for 30minutes. If I had brought clothes, I would have jumped in.

And when you reach the falls, it's amazing. If I were to rank all the waterfalls I ever saw in my life, this would have to be in the top 2. I forgot how it feels when you're near the falls. the sound of the raging water, the wind blowing your hair all over the place, the spray of cool water everywhere, including the lens of your brother's camera. it was amazing.



Speaking of amazing... there's Saud beach. there were a total of 6 people on the beach, including us. The sand here isn't as fine or as white as the sand in Boracay. But, it's quiet here. It's perfect for relaxing and for getting away from everything. I have to go back here.

Then, we were off to the lighthouse. It was scary up there. The wind was really really strong and you can hear it from up there. The light house was really really old... and it felt creepy in there... like someone died there or something.

It was starting to rain when we made our way to the Bangui Windmills. It was beautiful. I was overwhelmed at how big those windmills were. I wanted them to spin me off to another place and time. Really. I felt that sinking feeling when I looked up, like when you're in a roller coaster or when you’re descending at high speed. but peaceful. like you're going to be taken off somewhere safe.

Pagudpud is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. I will definitely come back.

The agenda for today is to pack my stuff, spend the entire day on the beach in Saud, then catch the 5pm bus to Manila.

windmills of my mind

Bangui Windmills

goodness. what the hell was in that margarita? one glass and i am dizzy. i am done for the day and it's just 8:30 pm.

i am seriously thinking about staying one more night here in Pagudpud... but i'll stay in Saud. the beach there is heavenly. it's beautiful. it's so amazing here.... i haven't left Pagudpud yet but i already plan to go back. I'll tell you about the beautiful places I saw today as soon as I wake up tomorrow morning.

NP: the windmills of your mind : sting
"Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle in your head
Why did summer go so quickly?
Was it something that you said?
Lovers walk along a shore
And leave their footprints in the sand
Is the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand?
Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of a song
Half-remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong?
When you knew that it was over
You were suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the colour of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind..."

back in time and the end of the world

Calle Crisologo

After sooo much stress and sooo much trouble, I am finally in Pagudpud. I arrived at Kapuluan Vista Resort a little after 9:00pm. There is something terribly wrong with how far this place is. I was so scared I’ll end up in Cagayan Valley. I have no idea where Cagayan Valley is. But I have a feeling it’s at the tip of this big island I’m in. I am almost sure that if you go further north of Cagayan Valley, you’ll be swimming in the South China Sea.

I wasn’t able to leave Vigan as scheduled because I wasn’t really able to explore the place yesterday. I didn’t want to leave without seeing everything I wanted to see.

Bantay Bell Tower

I can barely remember the places I saw this morning. I will have to look at the pictures and rest a little to remember. The time I spent in Vigan seems so far away now... well... it is so far away now, know why? Because I’m in freaking Pagudpud which is at the end of the freaking world!!!

So far, the hotel seems nice. I haven’t been to the beach yet. Although I can hear and smell the ocean. I love the fact that we can smell the ocean. It’s amazing.

Another thing I love about Pagudpud is that when you breathe here... you know that you're breathing fresh air. You know it's good for you... and you don't secretly wish you have thick nose hair to filter the pollution.

St. Paul's Cathedral on Sunday Morning

Anyway, the Calesa tour this morning... The staff from Grandpa’s Inn got a Calesa for me and the first stop is the Bantay bell tower, I wanted to hear mass at the Church but the service was said in Ilocano, I wouldn’t understand it anyway. We went to the Burgos Museum, where there were a lot of tombs with real bones in them. Why would they unearth tombs and put them on museums??? I think it's a bit disrespectful. The Burgos Museum is the ancestral home of Padre Burgos, one of the three priests executed during the Spanish regime.

The wishing well

Then we went to the Burnay (Pottery) place. I heard this trade/art was introduced by Chinese immigrants. Next was the Hidden Garden where I wished on a wishing well… let’s see if it comes true. This is also were I saw some ladies making the famous Vigan empanada. Then, we were off to Chavit’s Baluarte. Wow. That dude has a lot of money. How do you own tigers and lions, anyway? We also dropped by Crisologo Museum where I saw pictures of Crisologo when he was murdered in St. Paul’s Cathedral… while hearing mass. That was brutal.

Before heading for back to the hotel, we dropped by the market to buy new luggage for my stuff.

I forgot to mention that during my entire stay at Vigan, I only ate Bagnet, Pinakbet, poqui-poqui and Vigan longanisa. The food at Café Uno is amazing; I didn’t have to go anywhere else to eat. Even the Choco banana shake is heavenly.

After lunch, I walked back to Calle Crisologo for souvenir shopping. I figured I had more room now that I have a big suitcase. As usual I spent way too much. I swear someone else should be handling my finances. Well, at least I am done with half of my Christmas shopping.

I left the hotel and took the bus for Laoag where I’ll get on another bus to Pagudpud. Little did I know of the harsh conditions that await me. First, there were no air-conditioned busses en route to Pagudpud. When they said it takes 4 hours to get to Pagudpud from Vigan, they did not include the 1 hour to wait for a bus from Vigan, another hour to wait for the bus from Laoag to Pagudpud, another hour to wait for another bus when your bus breaks down and another hour from Pagudpud town proper to the hotel.

I wore my fake (i'm-married-so-back-off) wedding ring and later on, I learned that either guys don’t notice the ring or they just ignore it. The only one who noticed, of all people, was the konductor of the bus on the way to Pagudpud.

The bus left at 6:00pm, around 7:00pm, I reminded him that they will have to drop me off at Gaua (which I always pronounce in several different ways because I keep forgetting the right one). He nodded and said he will. 7:30pm, I was getting anxious. I asked him if it's still far, he said yes. So I listened to my iPod again. 8:00pm, I asked how far away we are and how long till we get there. He said 30minutes. The konductor would have scolded me if I were a kid. But he didn't get annoyed. Instead, 5 minutes later, he asked me how many husbands I had... which was so funny coz so far, out of the guys who hit on me on this trip, he had the funniest pick up line. It seriously made me laugh. Until I realized, he was waiting for an answer. Haha. That shut me up. I didn’t ask “are we there yet?” again.

The people from the hotel were getting worried. It was almost 9PM and I still haven’t checked in. I told them there was a delay coz the bus broke down and we had to wait for another bus to arrive. Transferring from one bus to another was an ordeal I cannot articulate.

I saw signs of Pagudpud, then Saud... then just small little towns with names I’ve never heard of and very little electricity. I was getting nervous and was wondering if there are any hotels in this place called Cagayan Valley. I was on the verge of a panic attack when the Konductor said it was my stop.

Hmmm… I swallowed hard as I lugged my trolley and looked around. No electricity. No vehicles. Nothing. Then this kind lady, who also got off the bus, asked me where I was going and helped me out.

And I am finally here… The place is nice. The pool is smaller than I perceived from the pictures in the internet, but it's ok... the bed is definitely more comfortable than the one I had in Vigan and there's a cute little flower on it. I only have 2 fluffy pillows instead of the usual six. But it was the bathroom that made everything worth it.

My bathroom with the little garden inside

There is nothing better than to take a warm shower in a bathroom with a little garden after a long and tiring day.

It’s almost 11pm. I have to sleep now. I think my right arm is about to fall off.

Location: Kapuluan Vista Resort, Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte

NP: used to be lucky : the wallflowers
"Now if losing is amusing, man get a load of me
You see me fallin' in love with a guillotine
But it used to be funny, to think you would think of me
Oooh ooh ooh oooh
Now I wish I could just take all my things and leave
But I've fallen down in the wheels of this machine
But it used to be somethin', to be nowhere with nothin'
Oooh ooh ooh oooh
So sad Everything's goin' bad
In the dreams I've had
They all laugh at what I have..."

you are timeless to me...

Calle Crisologo at night

I’ve been here for only a day, but it oddly feels like my second day in Vigan. Next time, when I plan a trip like this, the first consideration will be my health. I bounded that bus with a fever and a bad headache. My second consideration will be if I have enough time to plan the freaking trip. Ha. After checking in at the hotel, I quickly changed into my PJs and slept amongst all my 6 fluffy pillows. Amazing. I think I slept for like 6 hours. I decided not to set up an alarm because I knew I needed to sleep. My temperature was not at a healthy level and my body was aching all over. So I slept until about noon. The hotel was kind enough to still let me have my free breakfast even though it was almost lunch time.

I was about to get ready to hit the streets when I realized that I forgot to bring my memory card. Well, nice one, ivy. Not only are you traveling alone in strange place where people think you are crazy enough to travel alone, but you managed to forget your freaking memory card of all things. And my brother's camera doesn't have an internal memory thing... so there. So far, everything about this trip has been fine and freaking dandy. (You do realize that I was being sarcastic). So, without taking a bath, I hit the streets and hoped and prayed that I’ll manage to find a memory card. and oh my god. I did.

I don't know why, but the people here seem to be so amused that someone is traveling alone. It’s crazy. I don't look foreign, so I might as well be a local walking the streets on her own. What’s so amusing about that? I think Pinoys are generally not ready for people who travel alone.

So... I didn't buy the SD card yet because I wasn't sure if it's compatible with my brother’s camera. I went to a salon, hoping to get a treatment for my poor, battered and stressed out hair and get a pedicure. I did get my pedicure but decided against the hair treatment which was 3x more expensive here than in Manila.

I went back to the hotel and slept. Again. It wasn’t a choice, really. I felt that if I didn’t rest, I’ll pass out. And I can’t pass out on the streets of Vigan, alone. I don’t have smelling salts. Ha. Anyway, this time I set my alarm for 2:30pm. 2:30 became 3:30 and 3:30 became 5:30.

I took my time preparing to go out and prayed for hot water. Lo and behold, it works. I bought a bag I can actually use (unlike my pretty purple bag) and bought the SD card, which thank God, works. Since I was now ready to explore and take pictures, I walked further and unknowingly reached Salcedo and Burgos parks and St Paul’s Cathedral.

St Paul's Cathedral

If there were a McDonald's in the 1500's

That’s where I met E. He seemed nice enough and after talking for a few minutes, he asked for my number and offered to show me around Vigan the next morning. I gave him my number but I don't know how willing I was to see Vigan with him.

With the help of my handy map, I found my way to Calle Crisologo. I took pictures and bought some souvenirs. This was weird because I don’t know who I’m buying the souvenirs for. I would love to buy some furniture and décor here for my apartment, though. I think I need to buy luggage here. It would be hard to drag all my stuff to Pagudpud then back to Manila.

Souvenir shopping along Calle Crisologo

I love this town. I am having a blast. I can live here and stay stuck in the 1500s forever. It’s amazing.

I keep getting messages from my friends back home and from E. I turned my phone off. They are all amazing and they just wanted to be sure I’m safe, but I kinda wanted this time alone for me.

Next year, I think I’ll take a Superferry somewhere. Get a really great cabin and some time for me.

NP: trouble:ray lamontagne
"Trouble
Feels like every time I get back on my feet
She come around and knock me down again
Worry
Sometimes I swear it feels like this worry is my only friend
Well I've been saved by a woman..."

Road Trip!

Everyday on my way home from work, I pass by a bus station. The buses are headed for Lucena, which is about a four hour ride. Everyday, I think about hopping on that bus with a backpack and my road trip play list. I then figured that a four hour road trip is a bit too short and what the crap will I do in Lucena, anyway?

So, I decided to go to Ilocos. I have never been there and it’s an 8-12 hour bus ride from Manila. I researched and set the date.

To start with, I had a lot of shortcomings with the preparation of this trip. I had planned this trip months ago but failed miserably with the little details. First, I packed just an hour before I had to leave my apartment to make it to the bus station on time. I was at the office, trying to finish my accountabilities 4 hours longer than I should have.

Second, if I am ever traveling for more than 2 nights, I should use my luggage with wheels. It’s crazy to go around carrying a heavy backpack if you can use a bag with wheels, especially if you’ve got an aching back and a fever.

Third, I didn’t have time to sync my iPod so the kick ass play list, the whole point why I’m taking this 8 hour bus ride and not a plane, is missing.

I was late for the bus. Well, not late late. I just didn't get there on time to get a seat. I wasn’t able to factor in the Friday night traffic and arrived just 30 minutes before the bus was supposed to leave. All the seats were taken when I got there. Crap. The lady at the counter told me that the next bus going to Loaog will leave in 3 hours. I had a choice, wait 3 hours in the bus station for the not-so-super-not-so-deluxe bus or take the Kunductor’s super uncomfortable seat for four hours and leave as scheduled. I took the Kundoctor’s seat. This turns out to be a pretty silly thing to do. This whole trip was based on the schedule of that freaking super-deluxe-unbelievably-comfortable bus... and guess what, when I finally got to sit on their supposedly comfortable seat six (NOT four as promised) hours later... it wasn’t.

I should have taken that Maria de Leon bus instead of Partas. I saw some of their super deluxe busses passing by and they looked really nice... or at least, it looked like the chairs can be reclined.

So, I sat on the konductor's seat. Right beside the driver and the konductor. At first I was pissed off, and then after I saw our reflection on the mirror, I realized that it was kinda funny. Ha. Big time traveler, huh? I wish I had a picture of that.

Four hours later, I was in a bus stop somewhere, smoking with the conductor and the driver, sharing the hopia and chocolate I brought for the trip. It was so funny, if only my back didn’t hurt as much.

I think my butt got an inch tighter from sitting on that freaking chair. First, there was no seatbelt. Nothing at all to keep me from being thrown through the windshield into the cold hard asphalt. Second, I saw everything that the driver saw. I saw the near misses and there were a lot of them; the kids who came out of nowhere who had no idea now close they got to their deaths; the peculiar silhouettes the trees make in the night; a full fledged hippie van with the back open to reveal that the seats were taken off and replaced with a couch and the couple nearby having a romantic dinner under the stars; and then there’s a motor cycle accident victim lying on the street with his blood glistening against the asphalt.

Lobby of Grandpa's Inn

I arrived at Grandpa's Inn around 4:30am and no one was at the reception. There was a faint fluorescent light from somewhere and I squinted to see if the two sleeping figures on what appeared to be furniture were real people or just statues. (Hey, I was in a new place and who knows, maybe life sized sleeping statues were the thing here.) I decided to ignore the two sleeping figures and hollered in the direction of the reception desk. No answer. I paced around for a minute then tried to holler in the direction of the sleeping figures. One of them stood up, walked to the reception desk and rang the bell.

I should have ringed the bell. Argh! Any professional tourist would have ringed the bell. Hollering “tao po!” gave away the fact that I’m a novice traveler. Tsk tsk. Hey I learn as I go...

At the second floor of Grandpa's Inn

My room at is at the second floor of this ancient house, and it has a window, as promised by the guy on the phone when I made the reservation. It is nice and clean, the air-conditioning is cold and the TV is small. The WiFi is weak. But the pillows are fluffy and I have six of them. I better get some zzzzzzzzz before I hit town.

Note to self: buy four fluffy pillows when I get home.

Location: Grandpa’s Inn, Vigan Ilocos Sur
NP: come back : pearl jam
"And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream

And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me

And it's okay.
It's okay.

I'll be here
Come back..."

make me believe

I know i never really gave them a chance...

but i love weezer.

they are so easy. so effortless. so uncomplicated. so flimsy. soooo easy.

so much fun!

NP: the damage in your heart : weezer
"One more dream
Vanished up in smoke
Now I have no hope
Anymore

Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go..."

the day it rained forever

i think i'm going to stick to this blog layout for now. the color scheme is oddly familiar... like my blog should have always been in these colors. i just need a little bit of blue here and there.

i hate the mall during christmas time. they look so happy and festive and has no regard whatsoever for people who don't celebrate christmas or are just plain lonely.

this is probably the first christmas where i have totally nothing to look forward to. last year was sad and quiet, but at least i hoped for something. this year, there's nothing.

Something dawned on me as I was on my way home this morning. i wasn't even thinking about it... it just came like a freaking bright idea. i think i know what i need... besides clarity. i wish for forgiveness. i'm not sure from whom or what... but i feel that that's what i need most... forgiveness.

the holiday season has the potential to be the loneliest and the happiest time of the year. it's that time when you're expected to be happy and to celebrate even when you feel otherwise which makes it the loneliest time of the year.

christmas used to be so happy. the lights, the lanterns, the puto bumbong, the hot choco, the little surprises when gifts are opened... it was that time when it's cold but full of warmth, and everything is beautiful and full of hope, and joy and love. always love.

NP: across the fields : 10,000 maniacs
"Take me along to the places you've gone when my eyes looked away.
Tell me the song that you sing in the trees in the dawning.
Tell me the part that shines in your heart
and the rays of love forever, please take me there..."

construction time. again.

i'm TRYing to change the template of this blog... it's taking longer than usual. so bear with me. thanksssss!!!!!

the loneliest girl in the world

ships ahoy!

i haven't posted in weeks because work has been eating up all my energy and sanity. for a while, i thought i was going to give up. but this morning, i thought about it and i'm staying. and if i'm going to do this, might as well jump into this with everything i've got.

if this ship is going down... well, i'm going down with it. ha.

And that painting on my wall that was askew (see askew), finally gave up and fell on my couch.

today, i made a very important discovery. i didn't know that you can actually talk on the phone with anyone through yahoo messenger. really. i didn't know that. i was chatting with a friend who suggested that and just called me through messenger. really. anyone in the word. all you need is a computer, internet connection and someone to talk to. i love the interweb!!!

and i have the greatest friends... REALLY. i don't know how i could have gone through the past weeks and months (and years) without you guys. you are all amazing in your own crazy ways.

this song alone made me a believer of amy winehouse. she's troubled but damn, she's talented.

NP: love is a losing game : amy winehouse
Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

eternity

who would have thought that paul anka, one of my mom's favorite singers, will cover "black hole sun" by soundgarden?

i went to my mom's grave today. I miss my mom. it's crazy. sometimes, i wish she'll, somehow, show me a sign that she's watching over me. like show up in my dreams or something.

I miss my mom.

Today, my mom got the most amazing pot of flowers since she passed away. it's so special coz of the effort and love R gave into that amazing set of flowers. I have greatest best friend, ever. :)



NP: time in a bottle : jim croce
If I could save Time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
'Til Eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

to wish impossible things

... I wish you met my mom. she would have thought you are perfect for me. she would think you're a genuinely nice and sweet guy and that you would treat me well. she would also think you're a little bit of a geek, but that runs in my family too. so that's okay. :) she would tell me to give you a chance because she thinks you just might be worth it.

but it doesn't matter now. coz you're not here.

and it suckssssssssssssss....

NP: to wish impossible things : the cure
It was the hope of all we might have been
That filled me with the hope to wish
Impossible things
To wish impossible things

But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish
Is gone away..

bubbles

I am sooooooooooo glad that am sleeping on my own bed tonight. so tired. good thing i don't have to be at work till tomorrow night.

i really regret not going to that razorback gig last friday. i miss my friends...

i miss... a lot of things. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

eStranged

i hate it when you're going through something really difficult and some people just tell you to move on. like it's the easiest thing to do. dude, it's just been 2 days. i haven't even cried yet. so, if all you're ever going to tell me is to move on. please shut up and just give me a hug, ok?

sometimes, when people are going through something, they don't need you to tell them to move on or to do whatever... because most likely, they know that. they know they have to move on... they know what they have to do. you just have to tell them that it will get better. because maybe right now, it doesn't feel like it ever will.

NP: empty : ray lamontagne
There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside you
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt you hide that fuels the fires inside you

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged

sketches

I was thinking of renovating my apartment. I did some sketches, (who knew i can still sketch?) but i don't know... maybe i should move somewhere that's not 2 hours away from work. but i'll miss my family. and no one will look after tascha. maybe instead of moving closer to work, I should just move to another country. God knows I need/want a change, so bad.

i hate the mall. it's not even november yet and they're already so christmassy. i love/hate christmas. this year, i think i wont decorate my apartment. last year i took the extra effort to make my apartment look all jolly but it really wasn't at all. the plastic christmas tree, the wreath, the lights. everything. and i don't even have pictures to show.

but if i renovate my apartment, i wont have the budget to go on that trip next year... we're planning (we = me and a lot of different people) are planning a trip to any one of these places... denmark, spain, north america or australia. which, right now, means pretty much anywhere.

my aunt said they want us to celebrate my grandma's 79th birthday in texas. and that will be in March next year.

So, unless I win the lottery I won't have enough money to go to all those trips. And the odds of that happening is pretty slim since I don't even buy tickets.

Maybe i'll just renovate my apartment and go to Hongkong. or somewhere else in asia where I won't have to spend as much for airfare. But! renovating my apartment may not be a good idea right now, as I'm weighing the possibility of moving...

which reminds me, I also have a road trip to plan. =P

I'm so excited... this is going to be one of the most amazing trips i will ever take.

I need a camera or at least fix the one i have right now.

NP: black hole sun : soundgarden
Hang my head
Drown my fear
Till you all just
Disappear

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come

something... anything.

Tonight is the start of my new shift and I can’t sleep. 2 am. Deja vu?

M is right. Sometimes, she says things that make total sense you can forgive her for all the other crazy stuff she says. She said just because you’ve accepted something, it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt anymore.

The past week was too awful for words. So, I’m just going to look ahead. and hope for the best. Although, knowing what’s waiting for me at the end of this week tells me this is not going to be any easier.

This sucks. But what are you gonna do, huh? Take a deep breath. Get your rain gear and face the storm. The weather sucks.

and i need to change the freakin' header of this freakin' blog.

there.

NP: hammers and strings : jack's mannequin
"Come on, write me a song
Give me something to trust
Just promise you won't let it be
Just the keys that you touch."

Give me something to believe in,
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide
So I write you a lullaby
A lullaby..."

detours (mother, can you hold me together?)

The bathroom light isn’t working anymore. And changing the bulb didn’t work. I should make a list of all the things in this apartment that doesn’t work. And I don’t know, maybe fix it. Or get someone to fix it. No, scratch that, I should just make a list of all the things in this apartment that does work. It’ll be easier to come up with that short a list.

I’m so pissed off. And not just because of the light.

I lost another chub. She just flew away. I was changing their water when she flew out of the cage. I tried to catch her but all I got was a big bump on my head and a few broken clay pots. I feel really bad about the chub. I lost her love, and I really can’t have another one. They just keep dying on me. And I don’t want to get a new one just to see it die. I don’t know what to do… if I keep her separated from the other chubs, she is going to kill herself from loneliness... she cries all the time. but if I let her join the other two chubs, who are still nursing their new baby chub, then it’ll be a bloody murder…

I miss tascha. I haven’t seen her in a week. I was too busy/sick to see her. I miss her warmth whenever she’s on my lap. i think of her and my heart literally aches.

I read somewhere that happiness is a warm puppy…

NP: detours : sheryl crow
"Mother, can you hold me together?
It's so dark and I'm losing my way

Mother, I know you are with me
I can't stop looking back for the answers
I just keep coming up with regret
There are some things I just can't forget.."

i'm a mess

R sent me these pictures. i really am a mess, huh? she wanted to post them here because she said i look like the girl. i guess you can't post pictures in the comments area so i'm posting them for her. i especially like the second pic... "I want YOU... to leave me alone" haha. that is so me.

and yeah... i will always be a mess.

askew

np: hurt : johnny cash
"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way ..."

gRAVES

my empire of dirt.

worst day EVER

you've dug your own grave, now lie in it.

project: save up! part 2

ok. i just bought two watches. i'll start tomorrow. promise.

i couldn't resist. they were may too pretty and shinny to turn down.

i'm dead.

i also need a new camera. and i need to stop posting lousy pictures. i know.

project : save up!

i knew it. tascha is a dog supermodel. the vet said so. she's tall, thin, has amazing hair, high maintenance, whinny, snotty, and has an eating disorder. she's a gem.

i left her reluctantly at the groomers. i didn't know it'll take more than 5 hours to groom her. oh well. in the meantime, i'll get some work done on that little secret project, which by the way, is turning out to be more work than i expected or welcomed.

i also brought home some work from the office because i do/say stupid things sometimes. and this is one of the consequences. argh.

i'm having second thoughts on tascha's future. i don't want her to have puppies. i have decided that before i even got her. i have no plans of getting more dogs. one is, as proven, more than i can handle. but, it seems with all the money i've spent on her and the number of people waiting for a litter from her, i might be compelled to take the other way and look for a stud in six months.

i have a new and essential project. it's called, "project: save up!" my spending habits have been pretty lose lately. ha. lose. more like out of control. and if i want to have *some* money left for christmas shopping this december, i better wise up and save some bucks. i'm starting today.

wish me luck!

i'm not there

a movie where a black kid, a woman, a french poet, batman, joker and billy the kid portray the many facets of bob dylan has to be interesting. and of course, i had to see it.

surprisingly, out of the six, cate blanchett was the most convincing.

i think, to appreciate this movie, you have to at least know a little background on dylan's life. i'm not claiming that i know a lot, i just happened to read his autobiography, "chronicles part 1" and i know the movie would not have made sense if i didn't read the book.

ok, ok... so maybe the movie didn't say much. but then, it said a lot. much like dylan, i guess.

found