slingshots

sometimes, when you haven't seen someone for a long time, the way they appear in your mind when you think of them changes. in my case, i always remember people from how they looked the last time i saw them. which makes sense... coz that would be my last memory of that person. but sometimes, when you haven't seen them for a long long long time, the memories start to look like pictures. in your mind, the person is still. he doesn't move anymore... and your memory of that person looks like the picture you've been staring at to bridge the absence. nothing more.

i know i've been neglecting this blog for a while now. and i always say i'll catch up on everything... but i haven't. and it's not like there's nothing to tell... because there's a LOT... just couldn't go around to doing it. for what it's worth, i'll try to drop by more often. i want to. writing here calms my nerves and sets me straight...

i better go back to reading my books too. i miss my books. i miss a lot of things.

Christmas is just around the corner. once again. wow. i'm very optimistic about this christmas. if not for anything, just thankful for all the blessings i received this year. 2009 was my year. i don't care what anyone else says. it was an amazing year. and i have a feeling that 2010 is going to be even better. i feel it. i know it.

perfect fit

after all the stress and sleepless nights, i made it to europe. and i had the time of my life. it was the most amazing trip i've ever taken. it's so beautiful there. and it's nice to be around family again. i already miss everyone.

i'll blog about the trip and post some pictures maybe this weekend. but for now... i better raid limewire.

a million different places... and guess what?

i believe that if you pray hard enough, sooner or later... in one way or another, your prayer will be answered. lately, i've been waking up in the middle of the night to find my hands still firmly clasped together in prayer.

i always learn my lessons the hard way. and not becuase i'm not cautious... i just believe that life is too short. and i don't have the time to analyze the pros and cons before i have fun. and also, sometimes i feel like life owes me a lot.

all in one week, i found a new place. the place is smaller than the one i have now, but a hell of a lot closer to work. and there's a pool. i wish i had the budget to renovate the place and make it look like one of those condos you see in magazines. anyway, i'm hopeful. it's the one thing i have.

this week also: i was given another chance to get a job out of the country... and be closer to someone i think i should be close to. at least, this time i can take my time to decide. maybe I need that.... but i love my job here. and there's nothing else i would rather do (well, except maybe lie on the beach with a good book and a cold drink for a living)

either way, every step i make seems to bring me further away from you.

the same deep water as me

"I never wanted you to see the world the way I did, down here in the deepest part of it. I can handle it here by myself... it may get lonely but its my deep water, not yours."
~ p. sawyer

disheveled

there has never been a person in this world more in need to get her act together as me right now.

i swear. how i let things get so out of hand is beyond me... i have no idea where to start. or even how i got here. but i am here. and like an ice cold bucket of water dumped at me, i was awakened. and i have to do something about it.

ok. so maybe i knew i had to do something about it a long time ago, when it was a mere nuisance than the major dilemma it is now. but i ignored it until i can't anymore. i avoided it until i can't because now it's smothering me and i can't breathe.

I think one big fat wake up call came when i went out for drinks with some friends. i wasn't drunk yet. i wasn't even dizzy. then i felt sleepy. then everything went dim. and the voices grew farther. and i couldn't move or open my eyes or speak. i wasn't unconscious because i can hear my friends (and there were times when i hoped i was unconscious) but i couldn't respond in any way. it was like being buried alive. you couldn't do anything but you are aware of your surroundings.

now, if being buried alive is not hitting bottom, i don't know what else is.

most of the things are beyond my control and all i can do is wait... it sucks when you can't do anything else but wait. i hate waiting. i hate it with a passion.

there are some i can do something about, like organize my life. get things together at home. find a new freaking apartment. start working out and eating right again. take care of myself. fix my budget. and work on pending projects at work. this one i gotta do if i want to keep my job.

sometimes i feel like i bit off more than i can chew. but really, what else could i have done?

I just found out that:

On this day of your life, Ivy, we believe God wants you to know...
... that to burn out the pain, just find a place filled with joy.

God created joy as a balm for pain. What are some places, who are some people filled with joy that you can rely on to ease your pain?

is this some kind of joke? because it's not funny. it's freaking hilarious.



NP: wrong choice : the lovely feathers
you made the wrong choice
you made the wrong choice
oh no, tears to drown us in
oh no, falter down to it
oh no, all night long again

dandelions and high speed internet

over the past year i've gathered a stack of unread and unopened books in my apartment. my cleaning lady kept them in a huge box (i asked her to start packing my stuff months ago when i thought i was moving out). anyway, i open that box almost everyday but i never got to open a book until last night.

before i left for dinner, i knew i shouldn't have disconnected the internet. i was late paying the bill last month and i forgot to pay them this month. when i got home, ready and raging to play my facebook games (specifically sorority life and farmville), i couldn't connect. the bastards took my internet connection and i was left with no choice but to look for something to read.

some nice things spring out of seemingly unfortunate events. i took out some magazines, quickly got bored and finally opened Farewell Summer by Ray Bradbury. I wasn't through with the first paragraph and i was immediately brought back to the Spaulding kid's summer. it's still so clear in my mind how i imagined the kid sitting at the front porch with his grandfather on a hot summer afternoon when i was first introduced to Bradbury. Dandelion Wine started a romance that went on for around nine years, i think... i'm not sure. but i remember lying in my bedroom at my grandma's house, reading Dandelion Wine, all giddy and happy and sweaty.

i miss reading books. i miss reading Bradbury books. i miss reading his prose. i miss being taken to wherever he wants to take me. i miss tasting and smelling and feeling whatever it is he wanted me to taste, smell and feel.

but i also missed my facebook games. and twitter. so first thing i did this morning was go to the mall to get free wifi, harvest my crops and organize events for my sorority sisters. i also looked at new internet providers and dropped by the bookstore.

i bought 3 books and got a really good discount. it's like i got one free. I got "A year in high Heels" and "How to Walk in High Heels" by Camilla Morton and "Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me" by Lucia Van Der Post. I vaguely remember reading about these books from the magazine i was browsing last night. With the new environment I am moving in right now, with the grown up job and all (haha :)), i figured i needed to learn a thing or two about grace and not act and dress like a kid who just got out of college...

eager to read my new books, i sprinted out of the bookstore.

i decided to ditch what i thought was my super fast wired broadband connection and got a SWB. I don't regret it for one second. it's almost a half cheaper than my old subscription and twice as fast. sometimes, you really get lucky. i was so set on getting GTW, but when i got there, ready to pay for the kit... the lady bluntly said that their signal in my area is really week.

AAAAND... another provider has amazing signal in my area. just really amazing. i was tempted to ask her which one it was... but that may seem a bit rude (and her manager was staring at us). she was nice enough to be honest about the lousy signal, it would be asking to much if i asked her to specify which of their competitors would give me this really amazing service.

so i sprinted out of their store.

there were only two other providers, i wasn't getting specific answers from the second provider. When i asked her if the signal is strong in my area, she answered, "yeah, the signal is strong everywhere... we've sold a lot of kits today. a lot of people signed up"... i wasn't convinced that that was the one.

so i sprinted out of their store.

the third provider was specific. "we have strong signal in your area. we have a lot of customers from that subdivision. Mr. ChopChop from something street is a subscriber, is he your neighbor?"

well, Mr ChopChop is not my neighbor and i don't know who he is, but i was sold... i paid for my kit and just as i was leaving the store... i heard my sales guy say to another customer, "we have strong signal in your area. we have a lot of customers from that subdivision. Ms. BlahBlah from somewhere street is a subscriber, do you know her?"

i smiled and sprinted out of their store. amused and hopeful.

there are days

... when you just wish someone tells you that everything will be all right ...

... that whatever happens, they got your back ...

... can't remember the last time someone got my back ... i think i was fifteen ...

... that was way too long ago ...

"self" portrait

that girl on my blog is so sad... that's not me anymore. I should change that picture one of these days.

i'm the sun that beats your brow

some of the biggest realizations of my life come when i'm either taking a long walk, trying on expensive shoes, eating apple pie or listening to megadeth.

today, over barbecue bacon cheese burger, coke zero, fries and apple pie... i realized how all the things that happened over the past years brought me here… where I am right now… and how everything just seemed to fall into place.it’s like, all the detours, the mishaps, the seemingly wrong turns brought me where I’ve always wanted to be. and it’s amazing. It’s like somehow, my dreams… even dreams I’ve dismissed as impossible are now just within my reach.

a few months ago i was ready to leave this country to start somewhere else. live a life totally different from what i really wanted but figured, i ultimately needed. And now, I am a nudge away from taking the architecture licensure exams.

Who knew that after everything, i will end up wanting to be what i've always wanted to be anyway? an architect.

i sat there and thought how amazing it is that all the good and bad things that happened ultimately led me here... to where i am now and how everything seems to fall in to place... as if everything is part of a grand plan that i'm only realizing now.

someone up there is really looking after me.

ok....so,,,, i guesss i have to mention the pink elephant in the room, huh?

someone told me that if you've been gone for a while and you don't know how to start again, you just jump right to it... so that was me, jumping right to it.

work has made me unbelievably busy and i love it. it's crazy, stressful, tiring, and i love it.

oh, and i think i'm back. :) i hope.

So the question now… should I back post or not?

NP: Poison was the cure : Megadeth

From a rock star to a desk fool

Was my destiny someone said
Love's a tide pool
Taste the waters life's abundant
Taste me

fight club.

i have two names. together they mean a brave and strong willed princess. my mom wanted me to be strong. and brave. and independent. and strong. she also wanted me to be a ballerina. there was no way she was getting that.

sometimes i wish my mom never wished for me to be strong. some people go through life without ever needing to be strong. or do they? sometimes, i think that everyone goes through some sort of battle... it's just different for each one of us. but sometimes, i think some people have it better and some don't.

all my life i feel like i've had to fight for things in my life. i've had to fight to keep loved ones around. i've had to fight to get by.

my job is the only thing i feel was handed out to me without so much effort. lately, i feel like it's slowly changing. i wish that i didn't have to go on battle for this. not this one. at least.

but like every other thing in my life, i have to fight if i want to keep this. i have to be brave. and strong.

but i don't want to fight. not anymore.

but how will you win if you don't fight?

but i don't want to win. i didn't know someone has to win and someone has to lose. i don't want to win. i just....

and yet it seems as though i'm always in battle.

they say, fortune favors the bold.

i say, let's see.

if life is my oyster then where the hell is my lobster?

i am always learning. everyday. i don't want to equate learning with pain. but let's face it... when we go through a so much pain, we learn a hell of a lot more than we do when we're happy.

i learned that even when everything is looking up, you can still feel like your world is falling apart.

i learned that i can choose wherever i want to go. but i can't choose where my heart stays.

i learned that time, distance, pain, hate can never erase love. nothing will.

i learned that kindness doesn't get you the guy/girl.

and at the end of the day, no matter how great your job is, if you can't share it with that one person... it just doesn't make sense.

and just when you thought things can't get any worse, you realize you've become exactly what you were afraid to be when you were young.

kick start

Major, major changes coming up.

I wonder if the decisions I make right now will lead me to where I am supposed to be. But how are you to know, anyway? This may be the best or worst decision I will ever make.

Things are going on full speed… I hope I can do this. It’s scary but I am determined to rise above this. I have to. I don’t really have a choice. Shoot. Maybe I can retract my resignation…?

No. I have to do this. I have to at least try.

Maybe the timing is crazy. Maybe it’s perfect. I can only find out.

Things to look forward to in the weekend:

1. Two Sides – the Wolfgang concert.
2. Camping by the beach in Anawangin

Some crazy things I have to do in less than two weeks.

1. learn how to drive
2. get a driver’s license
3. complete my pre employment requirements
4. start with a new job

and in the not so distant future, maybe in a month or two:

1. move out
2. move on

and somewhere in between:

1. get a rockin’ new wardrobe that will go well with my
2. rockin’ new life.

sometimes I think I’m brave. But the truth is. I’m scared as hell. I am shaking as I type this.

NP: Eden : 10,000 Maniacs
All in time,
but the clock is another demon that
devours our time in Eden,
in our Paradise.
Will our eyes see well beneath us,
flowers all divine?
Is there still time?
If we wake and discover
in life a precious love,
will that waking become more heavenly?

my meDicine

sometimes, something big happens in your life... like a major decision you have to make and though you know what you should do, you still need your support system around you. Like when there's a major crossroad in your life and although you know which path to take, sometimes you still need someone you trust to tell you that what you’re doing isn’t totally insane. That if by any chance, you’re making a huge mistake, they will back you up and pull you out of the gutter if you happen to end up there. Maybe to assure you that you’re not totally out of your mind, or that you can do it.

Sometimes we seek that assurance from places where we used to find them. Like an old friend who used to believe in what you can be. Someone whose opinion matters to you. But there are things that time and distance can change, like a friendship you thought would surpass… well… time, distance, storms and all other calamities life happens to throw at you. But sometimes, sometimes it fades, sometimes it gets marred. Sometimes it’s just no longer what we believed it was.

And you find solace in unexpected places. Like a new friend who, in her quiet way… changes the way you see things and without her knowing it, she just helped you make one of the biggest decisions of your life.

When you come home to an empty house everyday, you get your strength from friends. Be them true or not. I’m just glad that despite my misgivings, I am still blessed with friends who take the time and effort to show me that they’re behind me. Maybe they can’t go as far as to hold my hand, but sometimes, knowing that they want to is all I need.

NP: Losing Keys : Jack Johnson
I've been losing lots of keys lately,
I don't know what that means
But maybe I've been better off with things that can't be locked at all
I've been feeling kind of sea sick lately,
See you reaching to me gonna save me
You were me, I would much rather take the fall

The world has its ways
To quiet us down
The world has its ways
To quiet us down comes the rain
Down comes our spirits again
But Down comes the strength
To lift us up and then...

untitled

Slow down and enjoy life.
It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast
You also miss the sense of where you are going and why ~ eddie cantor


How long has it been? I always feel like I’m trying to catch up on life. But the past month, I think I was able to rush right along with it. It was both good and bad. In reference to the quote above, I was able to enjoy the scenery. But somewhere along the amazing sights, the laughter, the disappointments, the highs and the lows… I lost sight of where I was going. And most importantly, why.

The past couple of months was a whirlwind… I did so much without accomplishing anything which makes it even more frustrating. I am no nearer to my goals after trying to catch up with everything and everyone. I'm not even sure why I'm in a hurry. I don't know why am I trying desperately to have everything. To do everything. To be everything. NOW.

Maybe it’s the time line I’ve set for myself. I have big plans for when I turn 30 which is a mere 3 months away. I want to enjoy the last few months I have remaining with my friends and family. Before I start a new life somewhere else. See, I have to start somewhere else. But at the same time, I am trying to juggle work and the things I have to do in preparation for my big move.

I need a major change. A life altering move. A twist so big, today would be a distant, vague memory. I want out. I can say this now with all certainty. And I am determined to do whatever it takes within the boundaries of what my conscience perceives as moral.

I don’t want to run anymore. I think it’s time I go home. But home isn’t here and I have to go find it.

I feel so old here. I want to be new again.

Brand new.

"She decided against wearing her shades. It's time to look at the big blue sky without rose colored glasses. She looked ahead and couldn't look back. Because walking away would be impossible if she found him there, standing by the door, looking back at her." ~ untitled

One in a Million - Guns N Roses

I'm posting this here, because it's fun. I was tagged in facebook and thought this was fun... i love shuffles!!! and i especially love #16. nice.

INSTRUCTIONS:
- Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
- For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
- YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. DON'T LIE.
- Tag 10 friends (make me #11 so I can see your results). or however many you want...
- Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
- Have fun!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
swiss army romance - dashboard confessional

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
D I A - billy corgan

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Imagine - John Lennon

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Of the Girl - Pearl Jam (huh???)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
fu-gee-la - Fugees

6. WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Nothing is good enough - aimee mann

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Neighborhood Bully - Bob Dylan (hahaha)

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Mintcar - the cure

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Can't buy me love - the beatles

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
resolution time - beastie boys

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Train around the bend - the velvet underground

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
winter - james iha

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
alameda - elliott smith

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Frogs - alice in chains (yikes!)

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Take it away - the used (nyahhaha)

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
riot act - skid row (nice.)

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
keep the customer satisfied - simon and garfunkel (noooooooooooooo!)

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Little man, what now? - Morrissey

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
If i ever lose my faith in you - sting

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Jake - lisa loeb (hihi :))

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
redemption song - bob marley

22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
One in a Million - Guns N Roses

last resort

When there are no words, I resort to spam…

I was recently tagged in “25 random things about me”. So, here’s my 25 random things.


1. i love strawberries... i am munching on a bucket of strawberries from Baguio as I type this.
2. i love surprises.
3. i am scared of dogs (especially the ones that aren't real). that's why my shih tzu is the boss. i give her everything she wants.
4. my favorite coffee is kapeng barako. and i take my coffee black, strong with 2 tbsps of sugar.
5. the only thing keeping me from buying an iphone is the news. they talk about how the world is in an economic crisis and how everything will get worse. and that we should all think twice before spending. and how people with jobs should be thankful they even have jobs.
6. no matter what they say, i love my family. (what's left of it, anyway)
7. i love flowers and stuffed toys and shoes. i am such a girl.
8. i love listening to depressing music.
9. i don't insist on anything. i'll usually accept the first answer. it's either you do or you don't. yes or no. which makes me so easy/hard to deal with.
10. i refuse to live without chocolate.
11. it may not seem like it, but i do have a plan.
12. i love cold weather. BUT i love the beach. and i love lying under the sun with a cold drink and a good book.
13. i believe that what comes around, goes around. i believe in karma. and i believe that one of these days, my turn will come.
14. i love coke zero.
15. i love apple. apple pie, apple drinks, apple gadgets. apple anything.
16. i almost didn't graduate from college because i loved playing hockey too much.
17. i have a stack of books that i haven't read (or opened) yet i still buy books like there's no tomorrow.
18. i research on almost anything first before jumping in.
19. i am very forgiving. it's the forgetting part i'm not good at.
20. i don't watch horror movies. i don't like to scare myself unnecessarily.
21. i always end up attracted to guys who embrace their inner geek. haha.
22. i almost always miss people.
23. My whole life I was only able to truly open up to two people. One is dead, the other one might as well be.
24. i snore.
25. contrary to what i say about love, i still believe that if it is true, it doesn't end.

162 days to never

I spent New Year’s Eve in the office. And quite frankly, spending it alone in my room as I did some years ago was so much better. I will never do that again if I can help it. On New Year’s Day, right after work, I went to Cabanatuan city with X and his family. I really had a great time. I really love the countryside. The simplicity of life in places like that always brings some sort of comfort and peace to my weary mind. There were so many kids, so many trees, so much of nature, so much family, and so much laughter and so much food. I would post some pictures but it might take a while. (X says ETA is 2 weeks).

I don’t know why I never went there before. I can’t remember if X never asked me or if I always refused. And if I did refuse, I wish I hadn’t. I’m glad I still got to go, even if it’s the last time.

It’s weird how little I remember. And yet I still can’t forget.

I was browsing through my old blogs yesterday… looking for words to comfort a friend who’s going through a really rough time… and I stumbled upon an old post. About 2 years ago. And I said I didn’t want to leave just yet because I want everything to be ready when I leave because when I finally do, there will be no turning back. I only have 6 months to prepare for the point of no return. I better haul ass.