not so fresh start

I keep forgetting this. I signed the job offer from my old office. Same company, different account. Ergo: same shit, different day. I signed because I didn’t have much of a choice. I signed, knowing this job is going to be just as vulnerable as the previous one. I need work and I haven’t been getting any good job offers. Heck, there aren’t really a lot of available jobs out there.

Anyway, it’s still kind of a fresh start. I only wished my fresh start was somewhere nearer and not two hours away from home. The daily commute kills me.

Tentatively, I have a week till the new job starts. Hmm… somehow, this “time off” has gone awfully awry. I am freaking tired and I think I’m going down with something. I’ve got a nasty headache and my throat hurts.

All the anxiety of the past few days made me appreciate jingoy even more… jingoy. My cuddly, low maintenance and funny teddy bear.

Me and jingoy in bittersweet times.

NP: Jimi Thing : Dave Matthews Band
“Lately I've been feeling low
A remedy is what I'm seeking
I take a taste of what's mellow
Come away to something better
What I want is what I've not got
But what I need is all around me
I reach and search and never stop
And I'll say...
If you could keep me floating just for a while
'Til I get to the end of this tunnel called... Jimi”

spot trainer

Know what I like? Surprises. Like when a friend dropped by to say hi at around 10:30 last night coz he just happened to be in the neighborhood. I thought that was sweet.

Well, it turns out that the new fan I bought wasn’t missing a part. The manual was just useless and I didn’t screw the blade right. Ha. All that screaming at the lousy customer service rep for nothing. Tee. Hee.

I’m not sure if I should start putting up ads for possible homes for tascha or if I should wait this out a little bit. And, I just want to be clear on this one… it’s not just the poop cleaning I’m having such a hard time with… it’s me, being scared. That’s the main thing. So, like the overly abused break up line, it’s not you tascha, it’s me. I have to work on my inner demons and you deserve better… and incidentally, this time with tascha, no truer break up lines were ever said.

Should I wait it out, send her to dog boarding school then if it still doesn’t work out then I’ll start looking for new owners? And while she’s at dog school, I’ll mentally prepare for what’s to come? Or… should I start looking for someone who’ll take her while she’s still just three months old… save myself a lot of dough for the dog boarding school, cut off all this emotional trouble, asap?

R went over today to go through my CDs and suggested that maybe I can get someone to help me with tascha and the apartment, full time. I am not sure about this yet. But I’m willing to look further into this option.

Although, right now… I am still convinced that I can’t live with a dog, with or without a full time dog sitter. I simply can’t have one. I haven’t posted an ad for tascha yet. But I am pretty convinced that unless some sort of divine intervention comes along, I am giving her up.

and I know You know, but it wouldn’t hurt to say it… I am kind of waiting.

NP: the sky is broken : moby
"See the storm is broken
In the middle of the night
Nothing left here for me
It's washed away"

fail and shake

I know I said this just a few hours ago, “But I’m not giving up. So bear with me, tasch. I’m learning as I go.” But now… I don’t know.

I think I may have to let her go. I can’t constantly be agitated like this. I haven’t slept well or had more than a meal each day since I got her. I’m all for the losing weight part, but this isn’t healthy, even for me. And I’m pretty loose on my health standards so, coming from me, that’s saying a lot.

And I am shaking right now. Like literally shaking. This can’t be right.

Badfish : Sublime
“When you grab a hold of me
Tell me that I'll never be set free
But I'm a parasite creep and crawl I step into the night.”

blades a-flyin', sinks a sinkin'

I haven’t posted pictures of tascha because my camera is not working and I can’t take a good picture using my phone coz she keeps moving… and my phone camera can’t keep up. Speaking of those who can’t keep up...

I am sooooo tired. Cleaning dog poo sure takes a whole lot of my time. Being scared 24 hours a day sure is tiring. Not to mention nasty to my tummy.

Tascha, now, she is a handful. She is as feisty as I am terrified. But now my fear is twofold. One, I’m still scared of dogs. That includes tascha, although I can now touch and carry her. Two, whenever I’m not home I fear something bad will happen to her. i don’t want to leave her alone in my apartment, but I have no choice sometimes. There are a lot of errands to run and even more work to be done. When I’m not home with her (even if I have someone puppy sitting) I worry.

Whether I’m watching a movie, grocery shopping, or out drinking with my friends, my mind wanders to tascha, hoping she’s happy and safe. and I don’t like this. I don’t like worrying.

The only thing I fear more than a stuffed dog is a dead one. I think I will instantly faint if I ever saw one.

People tell me that it’s just hard now because she’s still a puppy but once she grows up, it wouldn’t be so hard to have her around. Right now, she needs constant care and attention and I don’t even know if I can make it till she’s three months old and ready for Dog Boarding School. (how can seven lousy days go by so so so sloooow???)

It’s been like 3 days since I brought her home, and honestly, it feels like it’s been a month. This is supposed to be my rest and relaxation time. Time to sort the crooked and haywire parts of my life. And waking up at 5am to clean dog poop is not part of that. Well, it wasn’t. now it is. Damn.

There are times when I just want to go online and post an ad for a three month old shih tzu with 21 red marks and 5 green marks on her paper.

It’s almost like I adopted a baby. I know… I know. having a baby is a million times more serious than getting a puppy and I have very little knowledge in infant care but sometimes, I feel like it would have been a bit less stressful for me. Well, first, I’m not scared of babies. I love them and I don’t have a nagging fear whenever they are around. Second, I won’t have to worry too much about leaving the baby, because you can take your baby to malls, restaurants and groceries. And third, at least I won’t have to justify getting a baby sitter as opposed to getting a dog sitter.

See, I am not ready for this. Clearly. I lived a really carefree albeit selfish life for over two years now and I really like it. I live for myself and I’m responsible for no one. It’s actually kinda fun…

I swear. me and tascha, we are the worst pair in canine/human history.

But I’m not giving up. So bear with me, tasch. I’m learning as I go.

Now, before I am forced to change the name of this blog to “ivy gets a puppy”…

I lost another turtle. Shit. I got two turtles as a birthday gift (because I lost the ones I had before) and now, I lost one again! I hope it’s in the backyard, slowly wandering. I’m having the backyard mowed and weaned tomorrow. I hope we find my turtle.

I bought a new fan yesterday. The blade almost flew off the base to chop my head off. Ahh. Me and my near misses… it turns out that it’s missing a part. Duh. The one that secures the blade to the motor shaft.

Go figure.

Aaaaaaaaand….

My bathroom sink fell off. It just did. And it’s sitting on my toilet as I write this. I won’t post pictures of that coz… even though I hardly get embarrassed, this one is quite mortifying. I’ll leave that to your imagination.

And go wild.


NP: wrong way : sublime
"Don't run away if you wanna stay
Cuz I ain't here to make ya..."

ready or not, ivy. ready or not.

You guys will have to start making a decision and you’ll have to stand by it. Because a girl’s got to know. One moment you persuade me to get a puppy and then the next minute, you tell me not to because I’m ill equipped… (i.e. I’m scared of them and I can’t hold them.) Your indecision doesn’t help me at all…

You tell me the demands of a puppy, then you convince me to get one, but you never offer to help out. And to top it off, you keep looking for puppy ads and you keep calling to give me updates on the puppy hunt.

Make up your mind already. you know i can't read between the lines.

You tell me I will totally love the puppy but it will be miserable under my care and I’ll just probably put it up for adoption after a few months. then you send me researched articles about dogs and which breed is right for me and send me cute dog pictures like this:

And… just when I’ve decided not to get one, you show up at my door step telling me to go get dressed coz we’re seeing a breeder. What the hell?

So… anyway, meet tascha. My rascal of a shih tzu. I didn’t choose her. I didn’t even decide on getting her. She picked me. And she decided that she was going home with me.

well, brace yourself, tascha. you have no idea what you got us into.

(No picture of tascha yet. Will post asap.)

puppy lurv...

So, in the midst of all these chaos, I decided I want a dog. A Shih Tzu puppy. Now, the tricky part is I am scared shit of dogs. I have been as far back as I can remember. I am even scared of toy dogs, and I don’t mean a certain class of small dogs, but dogs that aren’t real. Dogs that don’t breathe and bite and pee.

So, why in the world do I want a dog? I don’t know. I just want one. I want one so bad, it’s driven me to tears when I realized that I can’t have a dog just yet. I am not ready to have a dog. And not just because I’m scared of dogs… I don’t think I’m ready for the responsibility, based on things I’ve heard and read about taking care of puppies. Like, that I’ll have to comb my puppy’s coat every day. Heck, I don’t even comb my hair everyday. And that my apartment will smell… and that I’ll have to clean after them…

But I really want one. And i really don’t know why. Do people really have to have a reason for wanting a puppy except that they just want one? I really don’t know if i want a puppy for the right reasons. I’m really new to all these, you see.

I actually have plans for the puppy. I will gate my pad to make sure that the pup won’t fall off the balusters to the stairs. I will also get a cage for her as her sleeping quarter. And she will have the most amazing play area at the garage downstairs. She will go to dog boarding school for a month to learn basic obedience training and so that I can get some training too on how to handle a dog. See, I have big, huge plans for this puppy.

Yet, I’m scared that I won’t be able to take care of her. I’m scared that what I have to offer won’t be enough. I live alone and I have to work. As it is, life can be too much sometimes… and right now, I’m still just catching up… so I guess I’ll have to put off getting a puppy for maybe a couple of weeks at least. But the shit is, I might have to start going to work in a week or two… which leaves me no time to actually get acquainted to the puppy before I have to leave her for at least 9 hours a day… alone. I’m no dog expert, and even though they said that I can leave a shih tzu alone in the house while I work, I still think that it’s a bit cruel to leave a little puppy by herself for that long a time.

Geeze… what to do… what to do…

And just as i was convinced that I can take care of one, a storm comes to shatter my confidence. Hmm… it was just a stupid storm. If I expect to take care of my own puppy, I should be able to go through a freaking storm with little tears and so much grace. Ah, but there I was, wide awake and crying alone while the storm raged outside.

I want a puppy so much. But I also want that puppy to have the best home she can have. And if I can’t give that… maybe I shouldn’t even be calling breeders and asking for appointments.

Then… I guess I’m not getting a puppy. At least not yet.

Okay… so maybe this is what I can do… after I finish cleaning up my apartment, and I mean finish, like everything clean, including the attic and the yard downstairs, I will set up the aquarium for my turtles then I will start calling breeders and I will start putting up puppy gates in my house. I think, maybe that is a good plan.

Oh, I have to start looking for a new job as well. Hah. Almost forgot about that.

NP: Cold Cold Heart : Nora Jones

"Why cant I free your doubtful mind

and melt your cold cold heart?"

bedlam!

I turned 29, lost my job, found another job and decided that I want to have a puppy all in a span of one week. This is kinda frenzied, even for me.

I love houses, which is why I took Architecture in the first place. I treasure the idea of living in a nice, quiet, little house. I love designing it (in my head, because I can’t draw to save my life). And I love staying in my apartment the whole day, just spending time with my parakeets and turtles. I love cooking. I love eating in front of the TV. I love having the stereo on full blast while I clean my apartment, rearrange my furniture and sing with, well, wild abandon. I love shopping for things for my apartment: new curtains, rugs, candles, paintings, and maybe a new table. I love grocery shopping and filling my fridge with chocolates and fruits. I love reading a good book while it rains outside and there’s only enough light in the room to read the words…

It has been roughly 8 months since I moved to this new apartment. There I was, single, busy and hopeful. I was hoping to start anew and well… just glad to be out of the cramped apartment with a ceiling that leaks. I stayed a year too long there, I think. Or maybe I stayed five years too long there, I don’t know. (well, that’s a whole new blog altogether. Haha.)

Well, very little progress has since been made towards the improvement of my new apartment. there was work, and the holidays, then I went on a lot of trips… hongkong, macao, coron, boracay, bohol, then boracay again… then there’s also the slight misfortune of me constantly getting sick, which confines me to bed for a whole week sometimes. And of course, there’s you know, life… which happens… and has left me with this:

I think I have bit of a wiring problem. how did I end up like this? And how the hell do I untangle this mess? Wires first. Then me.

What? Who? me? Trashy? This isn’t even half of my garbage problem, but all the rest is just too embarrassing and gross to post here.

Clear cache. Please. This is half of the cd’s/dvd’s I have yet to sort/watch/listen to. My best friend is coming over sometime next week to borrow some of my cd’s to import to her iPod. Well, I wish both us luck.

Ivy, you’re so vain. this shows just how much or how little I care about how I look. I’ll leave you to decide. Which reminds me, I have to buy a real mirror.

Culture shock. This is the top of my dresser. I don’t even know what to say.

sweet attic dreams. When I moved in November of last year I had high hopes for this room. I imagined a really nice home theatre system. A huge TV. My dvds neatly stacked and arranged alphabetically. And maybe on weekends I’ll have some people over for movies or video games and popcorn and cold beer. Now, eight months later… this is just sad. I’m almost sorry. Ha.

Skeletons and boxing gloves in my closet. oh and yeah, some clothes too. This also reminds me that I haven’t used my iron since January, when I attended that wedding.

Minus ears. This is my bedside table. And yes. That is a blue plastic cat with a propeller on top of his head. That’s Doraemon and I love him. And yes, he flies.

the bedlam that is where I sleep. That’s jingoy and mr wizard. and I just realized how deep in shit I am right now.

For what it’s worth, I would like to stress that I am not a slob. This is not joe’s apartment. It may be hard to believe but there aren’t any bugs in my pink little pad. There aren’t any cockroaches, ants or rodents. Although I think some spiders started to migrate in my terrace the past month. and my apartment smells of apples.

So here it is, my rented life. Living in single domestic chaos.