For a few months now, a question has been nagging my friend's overly imaginative and earnest minds. I didn't bother give it a thought because, really, there was no reason to choose. I circled at the possibility and was entertained by the potential. But, really. Whether I choose A, B or C didn't matter... I felt that it was not up to me anyway. But yesterday, while I was trying to arrange my clothes scattered on the floor, I suddenly decided. I choose D. not D of my bittersweet childhood. But D for none of the above.
Some people eat when stressed. Some scream or punch the living daylights out of something. Others exercise. I shop. There was a turn of events last Friday. Our trip to Malaysia is pushing through after all. And I have an interview for the new job next week. Things seem to looking up. But still stressful. Crazy stressful. Stomach crunching, vomit inducing, head spinning stressful.
The plan was to monitor the Men's Health Urbanathlon (yeah I have the best job in the world ;)), visit mom's grave, drop by the doctor's and swing by the office to do some paper work.
Well that was the plan. This is what happened.
After I spent my bonus and maxed out my credit card, I settled down at a café. As I was waiting for my order to come, I looked at the bags. The bag with my brand new Oakley shades looked back at me and smiled. “Happy holidays!”, it said. A warm smile spread across my flushed face and I felt warm all over. I deserve this, I thought. This is how it's supposed to be. Then my order came and it was amazing.
Life is amazing. I know the bills will come to haunt me in a few months, but for now, I am ecstatic. Warm all over. :)
There’s just so much to look forward to.
I went to the cemetery this morning to visit my mom’s grave. The cemetery was nearly empty save for some kids playing at a distance and a handful of guys cleaning up what’s left off the previous week. I miscalculated the time and arrived there at around 10 am, it was especially humid. And 5 minutes under the scorching sun, I started feeling dizzy.
It’s no fun passing out in the cemetery. It creeps everyone out.
- get the pair of Mizuno crusaders I won. finally got them and planned to test drive it at the hsbc run but, of course, i lost my race bid. wth?!
It's my second (or third - I can't remember) visit to the doc for my dizziness and fatigue. Of course the first time I went here I conveniently did not tell my doc that I recently did this
and shortly after, I started feeling sea sick.
This is definitely not my day. Well, yesterday wasn't my day either. First, we found out that our trip to Malaysia has been cancelled. Well, they said postponed for a trip to (maybe) Singapore early next year. But it feels really cancelled and we'll have to do the planning session somewhere within the country. Sucks. In hindsight, it might be because the doc said I should avoid air travel for the meantime. i hate it that even the cancellation of this trip is supposedly for my good. Crap.
It's Thursday, and so far the week has been a major disaster. Should I be bold and declare that this is definitely not my week?
I was going to make a list of all the things I had to do and cross them out one by one. I was arguing with myself in my mind how to prioritize things. But my laptop's keyboard intermittently presses the ";" key in it's own will. And I find it too annoying.
And even before I get to post this, I know I would have crossed out some of them (hopefully) OR not.
- get a new battery for my laptop (this I actually accomplished before I even wrote this, otherwise I wouldn't be able to write this, but I want to include this to add to the things I've crossed out, because I simply like crossing things out.)
- get rid of my vertigo or whatever the hell it is that makes me dizzy. And find out why I am always Sooo tired. I think this isn't just stress, I think there's a medical explanation for this.
- have my laptop keyboard repaired.
- get a new pair of cheap glasses. I specified cheap because I only ever use it at home and tascha keeps chewing on my glasses, it doesn't make sense for me to get really nice ones.
- replace bulbs in the living room
- get plumbing done in the bathroom
- finally get a closet
- get a new bed
- get a desk, heck, renovate bedroom
- renovate living/dining room
- bathe tascha
- update tascha's vaccines
- sync iPhone
- fix other phone
- get a car.
I think this about sums up the priority things for me right now. There are a gazillion other things waiting to be done but if I list them all, nothing will ever get done. Now if only I can sleep.
"It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving."~ Mother Teresa
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who stays. When everyone else washes their hands clean, I'm the one left to pick up the pieces. It can get tiring sometimes. Or always. But you get a new surge of energy, a certain drive whenever you remember that you're doing all this out of sheer love. and then you're okay again.
I keep trying to pinpoint the moment when everything went a tad askew, but every time I try to, it’s either I fall asleep or something happens that messes things up a bit more and I have to get up and manage it a bit. But anyway, I think it was sometime after my Aunt went back to TX. I think it all started when I woke up in the middle of the night from so much pain in my right wrist. Yeah. I think it started with that.
Then I lost all the contents of my ipod. All of them. I mean all of them. It was pretty much every digital file I had. Some were files I’ve had as early as 1994. All the pictures were there. All of them. Then I went surfing and broke my iphone and crushed on a boy 10 years my junior. Yeah, I think that was the start of my descent.
It’s not like where I am right now is so bad… it’s just really really disorganized. My thoughts are floating around, I’m trying, constantly, to catch up on things and my right wrist still hurts.
Five months after that fateful summer, I can still feel the aftermath in my everyday life. But, I am determined to put everything in their rightful places and put some order amidst all the chaos. AND work on certain aspects of my life I know I have gravely neglected over the past months. Maybe even years.
Wow. I think I’m even excited.
Oh, and I just have to say this, but nothing beats sleeping in your own bed.
Dive In : Dave Matthews Band
Wake up sleepy head
I think the sun's a little brighter today
Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising...
Summers here to stay, and all those summer games will last forever
Go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean.
Tell me everything will be OK if I just stay on my knees and keep praying
believing in something
Tell me everything is all taken care of by those qualified to take care of it all.
Wake up sleepy head
I think the sun's a little brighter today
I think I need to rest. Not rest like go on an adventure far away. But just rest. Stay at home and not worry about anything. Sleep late. Watch senseless tv. Laugh my head off. Eat like there’s no tomorrow and sleep. Rest with wild abandon.
I’ve always kinda loved airplanes and… yes, even airports. Somehow, I felt like it was a gateway to escape; to unknown adventures; to new possibilities. But I think at a given amount of time you spend in them, you get tired and you just wish you can go home. I think I got to that point sometime between Tagbilaran and Manila.
I’ve never wanted to be home as much as I did when we were in Cheron island. After camping in Zambales last year, I swore that once was enough and I would not do that again if I can help it. When my cousin said that we were going to be the first guests at the island and the facilities will be ok when we get there, I thought, well… maybe there wouldn’t be any curtains; or some windows will be missing; or a faucet or two might not work; or there wouldn’t be any hot water; or maybe there wouldn’t be any water in the pool.
So. imagine my surprise when we got there. First, there was no running water. And there was no air conditioning. There was no running water!!! I was a little brave, and unbelievably exhausted from the early flights, from running around everywhere and the scary and bumpy boat ride to the island. I didn’t cry myself to sleep this time. And I didn’t even have to drink at all. I guess I’m growing up a little, huh?
The trip was cut short because of bad weather. By bad weather, I mean a super typhoon. The boat broke while we were negotiating the horrendous waves. I was already thinking of an escape plan. How was I going to swim to the nearest island and still save my laptop and phone? How many minutes or seconds do I have before sharks smell the blood dripping from me and devour my legs?
Luckily, we didn’t have to swim or try to stay afloat while holding our laptops and cameras over our heads. We made it to the hotel at the mainland just in time, drenched but alive nonetheless.
The hotel was a welcome balm, knowing that the flight back home is just around the corner. Or so we all thought. Everything seemed to be going as planned on our way to the airport. We were all looking forward to all the comfort Manila would bring, that was until our flight was cancelled.
I am unbelievably exhausted. I mean, I just feel drained. And I look at myself in the mirror and I can see the exhaustion all over me. I am just tired, in every way a person can be tired.
I think I need to stay grounded for a while. No more long road trips and flights and adventures for a while. I think I just need to be home. No one in the world needs to go home as much as I do now.
I used to wonder what’ll take me to finally take the time to sort things out in my head. Well... I learned that it takes more than a few nights of no internet, no phone, no waves, no TV, no earphones and no booze. I have had enough time, but not enough will power to do this.
My clock says it’s almost 11pm… I think I’ll go to sleep now.
When I got my job 11 months ago and slowly settled and got used to the frenzied phase, I thought the lack of financial fulfillment was going to be my biggest concern. 11 months later, I learned that that would be… well… in the top three of my concerns. I didn’t think that burn out and mis direction would be my concerns. It sucks that I’m seriously thinking about quitting a job that I love. it’s just that lately, there’s just been a whole lot of that going on. Not the love part, but the job part. In fact, I feel that there’s been way too much of it, it’s not healthy anymore.
I feel and I know that if I continue like this, it’s either I end up a poor, bitter, hypertensive bitch or I die. Either way, it doesn’t look good.
But I love my job, and I can’t imagine doing anything else. But… this isn’t right. And it’s come to the point where I’m not sure if it’s still worth it. I’m not sure if this is something I want to fight for.
From my mother’s side of the family, there are three of us, girls who were born just months apart in the same year. One of us got married last year. And the other is getting married on Saturday. i haven’t seen my relatives in a long time, but I already feel them breathing down my neck, telling me that I should get married. Soon.
I promised myself years ago that I will marry only for love. I will never let anyone or anything pressure me into getting married. i grew up fearing marriage, the idea that I’ll be stuck/ caged in/ tied to someone or something for the rest of my life just plain terrifies me. And we all know what happened when I finally succumbed to that idea. I guess it’s just fitting that I do myself that favor and stick to my promise. Ok. Ok. Ok. So maybe I am still terrified. but I think these days, although I am scared of making the biggest mistake of my life, there’s also that fear of having to spend my life alone. Which is also scary.
But I guess right now, I have a lot of other things to take care of. Like fixing my schedule to fit everything. I need a break. A long, luxurious, break.
Work seems to have taken over my life the past month. And it’s only bound to get worse this March. I get mild panic attacks whenever I remember the insurmountable things I have to deal with at work this coming march. The fire brigade competition, the newsletter, the earth hour celebration… I get light headed whenever I think about it. I want to go to the beach! And relax! And sip mango shake! And read a book! Under the sun!
I can’t believe how crazy February has been. There was the condura run, which I will later on learn was a breeze in comparison to the next events. the century run, which attracted over 11,000 runners, was a great success, in my opinion. There are a lot of people who would say otherwise, but for me, it was a success. Everyone had their own experience at the run, and although a lot of people had an amazing time, we only usually hear from the ones who didn’t. this is especially true when it comes to event organizing. The event may be a raging success, but there will be one or two who will be unhappy for one reason or another.
I love my job. And although the Saturday before the big event, I was crying inside a rest room cubicle because I couldn’t locate a supplier ; and I was only able to relax and enjoy the run an hour after the height of the event and almost everyone has gone home. I am still thankful that my job gives me such amazing highs.
I am also thankful for the breather this weekend. A weekend without work, or so I thought. Well… there were just a few calls. And a lot of dropped calls. Ah well…
Friday, I was one of the judges in a beauty pageant. I was there from 6pm to 12mn. Who would have thought those things go on forever??? Well, at least I can say that I once judged a beauty pageant alongside Brazilian models, famous cosmetic surgeons and famed photographers.
Saturday, I saw a movie and bought a dress for my cousin’s wedding. I asked my roommate to do my hair and makeup next week. I told her I want to be prettier than the bride. Ha. I was serious. But it’s kinda impossible because my cousin is really beautiful. And it is her wedding day. Anyway. My turn will come.
Next week, it’s my cousin’s wedding. My aunt and grandma are coming home this Friday from Texas to join the celebration. I can’t wait to see them. I can’t wait to see my family again after a long time.
This Sunday there’s the Run United. There will be around 3,500 less runners this time. But it’s still a huge crowd… I hope I beat my time. Better practice tomorrow.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
the past week has been hectic at work. (when is it not?) i think next week will be a little bit more relaxed, though i have to work on saturday again. it's supposed to be a stride compared to this week... but we'll see.
the condura run was fun this morning. there was a lot of people. almost 9,000 people ran. and the whole place was packed. the organizers prepared a lot of things for the runners, fireworks, marching bands, cheering squads... it was amazing. i didn't beat my best time because i had to wait for one of my friends... but it's ok. there's always next week. i have to run at least a couple of times before the century superbods run. i won't be waiting for my friends at that run. i'll just see them at the finish line. at least that's the plan.
one of my goals this year is to run a half marathon.
i didn't get to run as much as i should have last year, so i'm making it my new year's resolution to join the fun runs at BGC almost every week. mixing work and working out... and it's fun. (they don't call them fun runs for nothing. ha. )
i don't have any specific goal when i run. but this morning, i was halfway through the first km of my 5km when i decided that my goal was to run till my legs feel like they're going to fall off and until my chest feels like it's going to explode. 2 Kms later, i decided that was not the brightest idea and slowed my pace and walked. then my boss pointed to M R, one of the most beautiful local celebrities, running a few feet ahead of us. after walking and staring at her shapely hips for five minutes, i decided i had a new goal: beat M R at the finish line. and i did.
runningmate sent the race results 30 minutes ago via text. it's my best time so far. it's my best time but it's still embarrassing so i'm not posting it here.
oh, and i did get that picture with D D. which, i failed to admit earlier, was my real goal for joining this race. haha.
next run : condura run for the dolphins. can't wait.
while i argue in my mind whether i should do some stuff for work or finish some personal errands or just sit back and read a book on this sunday night, i thought i should drop by this blog.
last year, a former colleague gave me a small notepad for christmas. there was a quote at the bottom of the paper. it said, "If one advances carefully in the direction of his dreams, & endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in uncommon hours. " ~ Henry David Thoreau
i took one piece from that notepad and kept it in my wallet since. and soon after i started looking for a job that i liked. four months later, i got a new job and wondered how the hell i got it.
lately i have been thinking a lot about work... and the monetary compensation i get from this job that i love so much. it's not that what i get isn't enough... it's just that i know i can get so much more from a job that's easier. easier but something i'm only mildly interested in. just thinking about this stresses me out.
it's like this... i love my job. i can't imagine myself doing anything else. but my salary is just enough to get me through. it's not enough to get me that beautiful house or that new car or those amazing vacations. but everyday i'm thankful that i get to do something that makes sense to me.
which brings me to an important question, would you rather have a job that'll enable you to get that beautiful house, that new car and those amazing vacations... or would you rather do something you love. everyday. a job that makes you smile. and feel blessed that you are doing what you love. yet it'll take a lot of sacrifice and time to get a nice house, a decent car and the occasional vacation.
i think the question here is, what's more important to me?
well... look at the time! it's almost 10pm... time for bed. sweet dreams.
NP : clockwatching : jason mraz Let's live in this moment just this time, could we? Just take one moment of our time m-m-m-m-maybe. Let's forget we running out of time.
I'm off like an airplane, I'm catching my second wind again. I'm using my left brain And I'm righting all my wrongs. lately we're running out of time, aren't we?
before i make any big (or sometimes even small) decisions, i always do my research. well... almost. i should have on this one. Because the first thing that comes up when you google "choosing a room mate/flat mate" is, "never room with a friend". i want to bitch slap myself for not researching this major decision in my life. another lesson learned.
there's a reason why we tirelessly looked for a two bedroom apartment for months. so that we can both have our own rooms. and here are the reasons why we both have to have our own rooms:
- so that none of us will have to tip toe if we want to use the kitchen in the middle of the night/day. - so that one of us can watch tv without lowering the volume while the other one is asleep. - so that neither will have to deal with the other person's personal stuff/clutter. - so that neither one of us will have to watch the other sleep, dress up, put her make up on.
so when my room mate refuses to sleep in her bedroom, my frustration is understandable. right? do you even know anyone who sleeps in the living room??? that's crazy. especially when there's an available bedroom in the house. and i wouldn't write about it here if it hadn't reached this point where i am just ready to change the locks and put all her stuff on the corridor.
it's been three months since we moved in this condo. i let her sleep in the living room the first month because i thought it was a temporary thing... a few weeks, max. but it has been three f#c%ing months. She sleeps in the living room because she's scared... of ghosts, of evil spirits, etc. which is childish and stupid. I try to be understanding... so I gave her until January. When January came, I called a cleaning lady to clean her bedroom and the rest of the house (since she doesn't do housework either). So, what does she do? She sleeps on the couch.
We have different schedules. When she's asleep, I'm awake, and vise versa. So when she sleeps in the living room, i have no choice but to watch tv and sit on the floor, or sit on a really uncomfortable chair and strain my ears to hear what i'm watching. or i can lie in bed and sleep all day.
and besides that.... it's very uncomfortable to do any activity while someone in the room is asleep. that's just how i am. i think that's how most people are.
i'm not saying that i'm the perfect room mate. i probably have a lot of annoying habits... and i do have a dog who poops and pees in the living room and kitchen as she pleases. but i have given up a lot of things i love and there are certain things i can't take... like my tv turned on even when no one is watching. (i am not ready to buy a new tv anytime soon, and the next one i buy will be in my bedroom). know what i hate more than dirty dishes and a cluttered table? a person sleeping in the living room with the dirty dishes and the cluttered table.
please tell me i'm not being unreasonable because i'm way in over my head.
"when it hurts, when it means you rub chins with death, or even if it means dying, that's good. Anything that moves ahead, wins. No chess game was ever won by the player who sat for a lifetime thinking over his next move."
~ farewell summer : ray bradbury i know i haven't written much in the past year. (i'm blaming my job for that. ) so in a nutshell, here's a random summary of my facebook statuses for 2009.
i think this aboutsums up my year. it's so funny that bad ass in 09 would be the first one on the list. or that it was even included. haha.
it was a year of blessings. of family. of hope. and everything falling into place. well... almost. i am, after all, a work in progress.
i have been so blessed... so blessed that sometimes, i feel that if i asked for anything more, even God would raise an eyebrow. haha.
one might say that 2009 was my year. but, know what? the best is yet to come. saying that 2009 was my year is like saying that the years to come will not be able to measure up and everything is just downhill from here. but this is just the beginning. it's my turn now.
it's so easy to say that the highlight of my year (quite possibly one of the highlights of my life) is my euro trip. but it's not just the trip that was amazing. it was being with family. with people i haven't seen in years. it's realizing how blessed i am to have such great family who would generously help out just to be with you and would go out of their way to make sure you would have the time of your life...
we went to copenhagen, malmo, berlin and prague. i also saw a little of the amsterdam airport and too much of the berlin, tegel airport. but it was amazing... and it changed me in ways i could never have imagined.
it was definitely a year of change. 2009 was the year when i got the job i've always wanted. a job i take pride in. a job that i don't mind working overtime for, a job that means something to me than just a means to a paycheck. it doesn't pay as much as my old job and it's a lot of work. but i love it and i can't imagine doing anything else.
i gave up my nice apartment in my old hometown to live somewhere close to work and share a condo with a friend. it's been challenging... in so many ways, but the extra time i save from traveling to and from work has been well spent with tascha.
tascha. tascha tascha. where do i even begin? my heart literally melts when she sleeps on my lap. she waits patiently for me, follows me wherever i go and never lets me out of her sight. anything who happily sits by my foot all day can't be bad for me.
what else happened this year? i walked at the edge of a building 125 meters high and saw what a person sees before he plunges off a building. i had my picture taken with e buendia, camped out at the beach with no running water, electricity or bed. (never again.) and ate roasted marshmallows from a raging bonfire by the beach. i tried to learn to play the ukulele and i passed out from drinking too much. i also completed the 9 day "Simbang Gabi" novena mass, heard the christmas and new year masses. and organized all of them. i won a netbook at the christmas party and discovered glee. and i had my very first pair of jimmy choo's.
2009 was also about sealing vaults. i was reacquainted to the eraserheads when i saw their Final Set concert and came to terms that that would be the last time they'll play as a band. you know that nelly furtado song? all good things must come to an end? it was like that. i also saw the nine inch nails "Wave Goodbye" concert. the audio in that concert was kick ass. it was insane. trent reznor is insane. i (heart) him.
in 2009, i learned that you can look at a watch, not see the time, but know that it is time.
oh, and although i got my driver's license, i still can't park.
for as long as i remember, i make a personal year end report every year. except last year. 2008 was eventful. but it was unbelievably sad. i think. and it was sad because i didn't see all the blessings thrown at me. i saw the things i didn't have and not the ones i was blessed with.
for what it's worth... here's a brief recap of the things that happened in 2008:
i went to hongkong and macau with my brother. we went to Disneyland!!! i went to coron, boracay and bohol with my cousins. I also went back to boracay with my friends and got annoyed out of my mind while they flirted with the bartender.
i traveled alone for the first time. I went to ilocos sur and ilocos norte where i had an amazing time. i have to fly back there soon. i said fly because the 16 hour road trip to pagudpud is way too much. and i do love long road trips. just not that long.
i lost the job i've had since 2005 and got a new one at the same company. but by year's end, i realized i wanted something else for me so i started looking for a new job.
I built amazing friendships there. some are still part of my life but some opted out... i believe they have their reasons... and i, of course, understand.
I also met someone who i thought would stick around and I, the fool that i was (still am), was willing to pack my bags and leave everything. I was gearing up to attend comic cons every year. imagine that.
It was also in 2008 when i discovered j johnson, j castro, b dylan and their music. and it was the only year in history when i did my christmas shopping after christmas.
the highlight of 2008, though was getting tascha. my feisty and adorable puppy. in 2008 i wouldn't have said it was the highlight of my year... but tascha has grown to be such an sweet and crazy puppy, you can't help but love her and believe that getting her was one of best decisions one has ever made.
with the way i ended 2008, i had no idea how amazing 2009 would be. everyone predicted that 2009 would be a struggle. i wonder what they meant by that. it was an amazing year for me. and it's not amazing because i got more blessings. it's amazing because i saw the blessings. and loved my life. and i am so glad things changed.
