“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
I think I’ve forgotten how to do this. After such a long time of writing nothing but business letters and reading guidelines, business proposals and contracts, I have decided that things definitely should change. I have known this for a long time and denied it even longer. The disconnect was just so palpable you start to feel like a lost robot. Note: a lost robot. But the time comes when you can't ignore the signs anymore and you have to take that leap of faith otherwise, you'll drown.
I tried, too hard, at times to get back on track. But it just wasn’t working. I was doing all the wrong things and taking all the wrong turns at the worst times.
But out of nowhere... things... small things just start to... happen.
The killer training session for our 16k run was breathtaking in more ways that one. The moon hung low and the clouds danced lazily against the black velvet sky. I was so surprised to see so many stars in the middle of the city. There was a slight breeze that reminded you that Christmas is just around the corner. And, well... the sad Christmas song playing from the track’s PA system was kind of a dead give-away.
It was literally a breath of fresh air that somewhere in the middle of the city, in the middle of the week, I can lie in the middle of the field, look up at the stars and smell freshly cut grass.
Music swelled in the background, building up to that moment when Boy and Girl meet in the middle of the field, both trying to catch their breath. Because they had to run to each other; because they suddenly realized that they’ve been in love with the other for the longest time; that they’re meant to be.
MFEO = Made for each other. My ass.
They realized what they've been looking for and waiting for all their lives is right in front of them and they can't ignore or hide that fact anymore. Because in this taken-straight-from-a-rom-com scene, they realize that they just have to be together at the exact same time the stadium lights go off. And he just has to kiss her. Just at the exact same time the sprinklers go off and soak them to their tingly bones.
Still looking up at the sky, watching the faint twinkle of the stars, I told my friend that I hope to see a shooting star, so I can wish that for myself too. We broke into fits of laughter at the hilarity of that scene, of me, as the girl in that scene. Of how it seemed so unlikely. So uncharacteristically not me.
Okay, maybe not the cheesy, music-swelling-in-the-background part. Just the part where they both realize what everyone else has been saying, that they're it. They're meant to be. MFEO. My ass.
I took one last look at the almost deserted track, smiled to myself and left.
They dropped me off at the spa. I needed a massage, desperately.
Like some sort of a small miracle, that grave disconnect I’ve been feeling for the longest time seemed to have gone away. It was as if the masseuse turned off a switch or something. I prayed for my friend to win that photo contest. Just a simple, “I hope my friend wins.” And for the first time in a really really long time, I felt like I was really being heard. That someone is really listening to my prayer and understands my heart. It's the best feeling in the world.
There was such poignancy in that night. Like a moment where nothing goes right yet everything feels right.
Which brings me
Here.
Back and hopeful.
Again.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
sometimes, i wish for rain. sometimes, i get just that and it's amazing.
other times, i get cloudy skies instead, which is also nice. sometimes, i get more than i bargained for, raging wind, and all. but there are times when i get sunshine. clear blue skies, bright sunshine.
and you know what? sometimes, it's just what i need.
probably the best part of my four day Easter weekend is watching The Blind Side. Michael's story is amazing. I almost forgot that there are still genuinely good people in the world. just really good people... anyway, there was that part in the movie where he had to write this essay on Tennyson's The Charge of the Light Brigade"...
“Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or a mistake, but you’re not supposed to question adults, or your coach, or your teacher because they make the rules. Maybe they know best but maybe they don’t. It all depends on who you are, where you come from. Didn’t at least one of the six hundred guys think about giving up and joining with the other side? I mean, Valley of Death, that’s pretty salty stuff. That’s why courage is tricky. Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you’re doing something. I mean, any fool can have courage. But honor, that’s the real reason you either do something or you don’t. It’s who you want to be. If you die trying for something important then you have both honor and courage and that’s pretty good. I think that’s what the writer was saying; that you should try for courage and hope for honor. And maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some, too.”
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life
For a few months now, a question has been nagging my friend's overly imaginative and earnest minds. I didn't bother give it a thought because, really, there was no reason to choose. I circled at the possibility and was entertained by the potential. But, really. Whether I choose A, B or C didn't matter... I felt that it was not up to me anyway. But yesterday, while I was trying to arrange my clothes scattered on the floor, I suddenly decided. I choose D. not D of my bittersweet childhood. But D for none of the above.
Some people eat when stressed. Some scream or punch the living daylights out of something. Others exercise. I shop. There was a turn of events last Friday. Our trip to Malaysia is pushing through after all. And I have an interview for the new job next week. Things seem to looking up. But still stressful. Crazy stressful. Stomach crunching, vomit inducing, head spinning stressful.
The plan was to monitor the Men's Health Urbanathlon (yeah I have the best job in the world ;)), visit mom's grave, drop by the doctor's and swing by the office to do some paper work.
Well that was the plan. This is what happened.
- get the pair of Mizuno crusaders I won. finally got them and planned to test drive it at the hsbc run but, of course, i lost my race bid. wth?!
It's my second (or third - I can't remember) visit to the doc for my dizziness and fatigue. Of course the first time I went here I conveniently did not tell my doc that I recently did this
I was going to make a list of all the things I had to do and cross them out one by one. I was arguing with myself in my mind how to prioritize things. But my laptop's keyboard intermittently presses the ";" key in it's own will. And I find it too annoying.
And even before I get to post this, I know I would have crossed out some of them (hopefully) OR not.
"It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving."~ Mother Teresa
I keep trying to pinpoint the moment when everything went a tad askew, but every time I try to, it’s either I fall asleep or something happens that messes things up a bit more and I have to get up and manage it a bit. But anyway, I think it was sometime after my Aunt went back to TX. I think it all started when I woke up in the middle of the night from so much pain in my right wrist. Yeah. I think it started with that.
Then I lost all the contents of my ipod. All of them. I mean all of them. It was pretty much every digital file I had. Some were files I’ve had as early as 1994. All the pictures were there. All of them. Then I went surfing and broke my iphone and crushed on a boy 10 years my junior. Yeah, I think that was the start of my descent.
It’s not like where I am right now is so bad… it’s just really really disorganized. My thoughts are floating around, I’m trying, constantly, to catch up on things and my right wrist still hurts.
Five months after that fateful summer, I can still feel the aftermath in my everyday life. But, I am determined to put everything in their rightful places and put some order amidst all the chaos. AND work on certain aspects of my life I know I have gravely neglected over the past months. Maybe even years.
Wow. I think I’m even excited.
Oh, and I just have to say this, but nothing beats sleeping in your own bed.
Dive In : Dave Matthews Band
Wake up sleepy head
I think the sun's a little brighter today
Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising...
Summers here to stay, and all those summer games will last forever
Go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean.
Tell me everything will be OK if I just stay on my knees and keep praying
believing in something
Tell me everything is all taken care of by those qualified to take care of it all.
Wake up sleepy head
I think the sun's a little brighter today
I used to wonder what’ll take me to finally take the time to sort things out in my head. Well... I learned that it takes more than a few nights of no internet, no phone, no waves, no TV, no earphones and no booze. I have had enough time, but not enough will power to do this.
My clock says it’s almost 11pm… I think I’ll go to sleep now.
the past week has been hectic at work. (when is it not?) i think next week will be a little bit more relaxed, though i have to work on saturday again. it's supposed to be a stride compared to this week... but we'll see.
the condura run was fun this morning. there was a lot of people. almost 9,000 people ran. and the whole place was packed. the organizers prepared a lot of things for the runners, fireworks, marching bands, cheering squads... it was amazing. i didn't beat my best time because i had to wait for one of my friends... but it's ok. there's always next week. i have to run at least a couple of times before the century superbods run. i won't be waiting for my friends at that run. i'll just see them at the finish line. at least that's the plan.
one of my goals this year is to run a half marathon.
i didn't get to run as much as i should have last year, so i'm making it my new year's resolution to join the fun runs at BGC almost every week. mixing work and working out... and it's fun. (they don't call them fun runs for nothing. ha. )
i don't have any specific goal when i run. but this morning, i was halfway through the first km of my 5km when i decided that my goal was to run till my legs feel like they're going to fall off and until my chest feels like it's going to explode. 2 Kms later, i decided that was not the brightest idea and slowed my pace and walked. then my boss pointed to M R, one of the most beautiful local celebrities, running a few feet ahead of us. after walking and staring at her shapely hips for five minutes, i decided i had a new goal: beat M R at the finish line. and i did.
runningmate sent the race results 30 minutes ago via text. it's my best time so far. it's my best time but it's still embarrassing so i'm not posting it here.
oh, and i did get that picture with D D. which, i failed to admit earlier, was my real goal for joining this race. haha.
next run : condura run for the dolphins. can't wait.
while i argue in my mind whether i should do some stuff for work or finish some personal errands or just sit back and read a book on this sunday night, i thought i should drop by this blog.
last year, a former colleague gave me a small notepad for christmas. there was a quote at the bottom of the paper. it said, "If one advances carefully in the direction of his dreams, & endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in uncommon hours. " ~ Henry David Thoreau
i took one piece from that notepad and kept it in my wallet since. and soon after i started looking for a job that i liked. four months later, i got a new job and wondered how the hell i got it.
lately i have been thinking a lot about work... and the monetary compensation i get from this job that i love so much. it's not that what i get isn't enough... it's just that i know i can get so much more from a job that's easier. easier but something i'm only mildly interested in. just thinking about this stresses me out.
it's like this... i love my job. i can't imagine myself doing anything else. but my salary is just enough to get me through. it's not enough to get me that beautiful house or that new car or those amazing vacations. but everyday i'm thankful that i get to do something that makes sense to me.
which brings me to an important question, would you rather have a job that'll enable you to get that beautiful house, that new car and those amazing vacations... or would you rather do something you love. everyday. a job that makes you smile. and feel blessed that you are doing what you love. yet it'll take a lot of sacrifice and time to get a nice house, a decent car and the occasional vacation.
i think the question here is, what's more important to me?
well... look at the time! it's almost 10pm... time for bed. sweet dreams.
NP : clockwatching : jason mraz
Let's live in this moment just this time, could we?
Just take one moment of our time m-m-m-m-maybe.
Let's forget we running out of time.
I'm off like an airplane,
I'm catching my second wind again.
I'm using my left brain
And I'm righting all my wrongs.
lately we're running out of time, aren't we?
before i make any big (or sometimes even small) decisions, i always do my research. well... almost. i should have on this one. Because the first thing that comes up when you google "choosing a room mate/flat mate" is, "never room with a friend". i want to bitch slap myself for not researching this major decision in my life. another lesson learned.
there's a reason why we tirelessly looked for a two bedroom apartment for months. so that we can both have our own rooms. and here are the reasons why we both have to have our own rooms:
- so that none of us will have to tip toe if we want to use the kitchen in the middle of the night/day.
- so that one of us can watch tv without lowering the volume while the other one is asleep.
- so that neither will have to deal with the other person's personal stuff/clutter.
- so that neither one of us will have to watch the other sleep, dress up, put her make up on.
so when my room mate refuses to sleep in her bedroom, my frustration is understandable. right? do you even know anyone who sleeps in the living room??? that's crazy. especially when there's an available bedroom in the house. and i wouldn't write about it here if it hadn't reached this point where i am just ready to change the locks and put all her stuff on the corridor.
it's been three months since we moved in this condo. i let her sleep in the living room the first month because i thought it was a temporary thing... a few weeks, max. but it has been three f#c%ing months. She sleeps in the living room because she's scared... of ghosts, of evil spirits, etc. which is childish and stupid. I try to be understanding... so I gave her until January. When January came, I called a cleaning lady to clean her bedroom and the rest of the house (since she doesn't do housework either). So, what does she do? She sleeps on the couch.
We have different schedules. When she's asleep, I'm awake, and vise versa. So when she sleeps in the living room, i have no choice but to watch tv and sit on the floor, or sit on a really uncomfortable chair and strain my ears to hear what i'm watching. or i can lie in bed and sleep all day.
and besides that.... it's very uncomfortable to do any activity while someone in the room is asleep. that's just how i am. i think that's how most people are.
i'm not saying that i'm the perfect room mate. i probably have a lot of annoying habits... and i do have a dog who poops and pees in the living room and kitchen as she pleases. but i have given up a lot of things i love and there are certain things i can't take... like my tv turned on even when no one is watching. (i am not ready to buy a new tv anytime soon, and the next one i buy will be in my bedroom). know what i hate more than dirty dishes and a cluttered table? a person sleeping in the living room with the dirty dishes and the cluttered table.
please tell me i'm not being unreasonable because i'm way in over my head.
such unnecessary inconvenience.
"when it hurts, when it means you rub chins with death, or even if it means dying, that's good. Anything that moves ahead, wins. No chess game was ever won by the player who sat for a lifetime thinking over his next move."
~ farewell summer : ray bradbury
i know i haven't written much in the past year. (i'm blaming my job for that. ) so in a nutshell, here's a random summary of my facebook statuses for 2009.
i think this about sums up my year. it's so funny that bad ass in 09 would be the first one on the list. or that it was even included. haha.
it was a year of blessings. of family. of hope. and everything falling into place. well... almost. i am, after all, a work in progress.
i have been so blessed... so blessed that sometimes, i feel that if i asked for anything more, even God would raise an eyebrow. haha.
one might say that 2009 was my year. but, know what? the best is yet to come. saying that 2009 was my year is like saying that the years to come will not be able to measure up and everything is just downhill from here. but this is just the beginning. it's my turn now.
it's so easy to say that the highlight of my year (quite possibly one of the highlights of my life) is my euro trip. but it's not just the trip that was amazing. it was being with family. with people i haven't seen in years. it's realizing how blessed i am to have such great family who would generously help out just to be with you and would go out of their way to make sure you would have the time of your life...
we went to copenhagen, malmo, berlin and prague. i also saw a little of the amsterdam airport and too much of the berlin, tegel airport. but it was amazing... and it changed me in ways i could never have imagined.
it was definitely a year of change. 2009 was the year when i got the job i've always wanted. a job i take pride in. a job that i don't mind working overtime for, a job that means something to me than just a means to a paycheck. it doesn't pay as much as my old job and it's a lot of work. but i love it and i can't imagine doing anything else.
i gave up my nice apartment in my old hometown to live somewhere close to work and share a condo with a friend. it's been challenging... in so many ways, but the extra time i save from traveling to and from work has been well spent with tascha.
tascha. tascha tascha. where do i even begin? my heart literally melts when she sleeps on my lap. she waits patiently for me, follows me wherever i go and never lets me out of her sight. anything who happily sits by my foot all day can't be bad for me.
what else happened this year? i walked at the edge of a building 125 meters high and saw what a person sees before he plunges off a building. i had my picture taken with e buendia, camped out at the beach with no running water, electricity or bed. (never again.) and ate roasted marshmallows from a raging bonfire by the beach. i tried to learn to play the ukulele and i passed out from drinking too much. i also completed the 9 day "Simbang Gabi" novena mass, heard the christmas and new year masses. and organized all of them. i won a netbook at the christmas party and discovered glee. and i had my very first pair of jimmy choo's.
2009 was also about sealing vaults. i was reacquainted to the eraserheads when i saw their Final Set concert and came to terms that that would be the last time they'll play as a band. you know that nelly furtado song? all good things must come to an end? it was like that. i also saw the nine inch nails "Wave Goodbye" concert. the audio in that concert was kick ass. it was insane. trent reznor is insane. i (heart) him.
in 2009, i learned that you can look at a watch, not see the time, but know that it is time.
oh, and although i got my driver's license, i still can't park.
for as long as i remember, i make a personal year end report every year. except last year. 2008 was eventful. but it was unbelievably sad. i think. and it was sad because i didn't see all the blessings thrown at me. i saw the things i didn't have and not the ones i was blessed with.
for what it's worth... here's a brief recap of the things that happened in 2008:
i went to hongkong and macau with my brother. we went to Disneyland!!! i went to coron, boracay and bohol with my cousins. I also went back to boracay with my friends and got annoyed out of my mind while they flirted with the bartender.
i traveled alone for the first time. I went to ilocos sur and ilocos norte where i had an amazing time. i have to fly back there soon. i said fly because the 16 hour road trip to pagudpud is way too much. and i do love long road trips. just not that long.
i lost the job i've had since 2005 and got a new one at the same company. but by year's end, i realized i wanted something else for me so i started looking for a new job.
I built amazing friendships there. some are still part of my life but some opted out... i believe they have their reasons... and i, of course, understand.
I also met someone who i thought would stick around and I, the fool that i was (still am), was willing to pack my bags and leave everything. I was gearing up to attend comic cons every year. imagine that.
It was also in 2008 when i discovered j johnson, j castro, b dylan and their music. and it was the only year in history when i did my christmas shopping after christmas.
the highlight of 2008, though was getting tascha. my feisty and adorable puppy. in 2008 i wouldn't have said it was the highlight of my year... but tascha has grown to be such an sweet and crazy puppy, you can't help but love her and believe that getting her was one of best decisions one has ever made.
with the way i ended 2008, i had no idea how amazing 2009 would be. everyone predicted that 2009 would be a struggle. i wonder what they meant by that. it was an amazing year for me. and it's not amazing because i got more blessings. it's amazing because i saw the blessings. and loved my life. and i am so glad things changed.
i'm thankful. forever grateful.
sometimes, when you haven't seen someone for a long time, the way they appear in your mind when you think of them changes. in my case, i always remember people from how they looked the last time i saw them. which makes sense... coz that would be my last memory of that person. but sometimes, when you haven't seen them for a long long long time, the memories start to look like pictures. in your mind, the person is still. he doesn't move anymore... and your memory of that person looks like the picture you've been staring at to bridge the absence. nothing more.
i know i've been neglecting this blog for a while now. and i always say i'll catch up on everything... but i haven't. and it's not like there's nothing to tell... because there's a LOT... just couldn't go around to doing it. for what it's worth, i'll try to drop by more often. i want to. writing here calms my nerves and sets me straight...
i better go back to reading my books too. i miss my books. i miss a lot of things.
Christmas is just around the corner. once again. wow. i'm very optimistic about this christmas. if not for anything, just thankful for all the blessings i received this year. 2009 was my year. i don't care what anyone else says. it was an amazing year. and i have a feeling that 2010 is going to be even better. i feel it. i know it.
after all the stress and sleepless nights, i made it to europe. and i had the time of my life. it was the most amazing trip i've ever taken. it's so beautiful there. and it's nice to be around family again. i already miss everyone.
i'll blog about the trip and post some pictures maybe this weekend. but for now... i better raid limewire.
i believe that if you pray hard enough, sooner or later... in one way or another, your prayer will be answered. lately, i've been waking up in the middle of the night to find my hands still firmly clasped together in prayer.
i always learn my lessons the hard way. and not becuase i'm not cautious... i just believe that life is too short. and i don't have the time to analyze the pros and cons before i have fun. and also, sometimes i feel like life owes me a lot.
all in one week, i found a new place. the place is smaller than the one i have now, but a hell of a lot closer to work. and there's a pool. i wish i had the budget to renovate the place and make it look like one of those condos you see in magazines. anyway, i'm hopeful. it's the one thing i have.
this week also: i was given another chance to get a job out of the country... and be closer to someone i think i should be close to. at least, this time i can take my time to decide. maybe I need that.... but i love my job here. and there's nothing else i would rather do (well, except maybe lie on the beach with a good book and a cold drink for a living)
either way, every step i make seems to bring me further away from you.
"I never wanted you to see the world the way I did, down here in the deepest part of it. I can handle it here by myself... it may get lonely but its my deep water, not yours."
~ p. sawyer
... when you just wish someone tells you that everything will be all right ...
that girl on my blog is so sad... that's not me anymore. I should change that picture one of these days.
i am always learning. everyday. i don't want to equate learning with pain. but let's face it... when we go through a so much pain, we learn a hell of a lot more than we do when we're happy.
i learned that even when everything is looking up, you can still feel like your world is falling apart.
i learned that i can choose wherever i want to go. but i can't choose where my heart stays.
i learned that time, distance, pain, hate can never erase love. nothing will.
i learned that kindness doesn't get you the guy/girl.
and at the end of the day, no matter how great your job is, if you can't share it with that one person... it just doesn't make sense.
and just when you thought things can't get any worse, you realize you've become exactly what you were afraid to be when you were young.
Major, major changes coming up.
I wonder if the decisions I make right now will lead me to where I am supposed to be. But how are you to know, anyway? This may be the best or worst decision I will ever make.
Things are going on full speed… I hope I can do this. It’s scary but I am determined to rise above this. I have to. I don’t really have a choice. Shoot. Maybe I can retract my resignation…?
No. I have to do this. I have to at least try.
Maybe the timing is crazy. Maybe it’s perfect. I can only find out.
Things to look forward to in the weekend:
1. Two Sides – the Wolfgang concert.
2. Camping by the beach in Anawangin
Some crazy things I have to do in less than two weeks.
1. learn how to drive
2. get a driver’s license
3. complete my pre employment requirements
4. start with a new job
and in the not so distant future, maybe in a month or two:
1. move out
2. move on
and somewhere in between:
1. get a rockin’ new wardrobe that will go well with my
2. rockin’ new life.
sometimes I think I’m brave. But the truth is. I’m scared as hell. I am shaking as I type this.
NP: Eden : 10,000 Maniacs
All in time,
but the clock is another demon that
devours our time in Eden,
in our Paradise.
Will our eyes see well beneath us,
flowers all divine?
Is there still time?
If we wake and discover
in life a precious love,
will that waking become more heavenly?
sometimes, something big happens in your life... like a major decision you have to make and though you know what you should do, you still need your support system around you. Like when there's a major crossroad in your life and although you know which path to take, sometimes you still need someone you trust to tell you that what you’re doing isn’t totally insane. That if by any chance, you’re making a huge mistake, they will back you up and pull you out of the gutter if you happen to end up there. Maybe to assure you that you’re not totally out of your mind, or that you can do it.
Sometimes we seek that assurance from places where we used to find them. Like an old friend who used to believe in what you can be. Someone whose opinion matters to you. But there are things that time and distance can change, like a friendship you thought would surpass… well… time, distance, storms and all other calamities life happens to throw at you. But sometimes, sometimes it fades, sometimes it gets marred. Sometimes it’s just no longer what we believed it was.
And you find solace in unexpected places. Like a new friend who, in her quiet way… changes the way you see things and without her knowing it, she just helped you make one of the biggest decisions of your life.
When you come home to an empty house everyday, you get your strength from friends. Be them true or not. I’m just glad that despite my misgivings, I am still blessed with friends who take the time and effort to show me that they’re behind me. Maybe they can’t go as far as to hold my hand, but sometimes, knowing that they want to is all I need.
NP: Losing Keys : Jack Johnson
I've been losing lots of keys lately,
I don't know what that means
But maybe I've been better off with things that can't be locked at all
I've been feeling kind of sea sick lately,
See you reaching to me gonna save me
You were me, I would much rather take the fall
The world has its ways
To quiet us down
The world has its ways
To quiet us down comes the rain
Down comes our spirits again
But Down comes the strength
To lift us up and then...
Slow down and enjoy life.
It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast
You also miss the sense of where you are going and why ~ eddie cantor
How long has it been? I always feel like I’m trying to catch up on life. But the past month, I think I was able to rush right along with it. It was both good and bad. In reference to the quote above, I was able to enjoy the scenery. But somewhere along the amazing sights, the laughter, the disappointments, the highs and the lows… I lost sight of where I was going. And most importantly, why.
The past couple of months was a whirlwind… I did so much without accomplishing anything which makes it even more frustrating. I am no nearer to my goals after trying to catch up with everything and everyone. I'm not even sure why I'm in a hurry. I don't know why am I trying desperately to have everything. To do everything. To be everything. NOW.
Maybe it’s the time line I’ve set for myself. I have big plans for when I turn 30 which is a mere 3 months away. I want to enjoy the last few months I have remaining with my friends and family. Before I start a new life somewhere else. See, I have to start somewhere else. But at the same time, I am trying to juggle work and the things I have to do in preparation for my big move.
I need a major change. A life altering move. A twist so big, today would be a distant, vague memory. I want out. I can say this now with all certainty. And I am determined to do whatever it takes within the boundaries of what my conscience perceives as moral.
I don’t want to run anymore. I think it’s time I go home. But home isn’t here and I have to go find it.
I feel so old here. I want to be new again.
Brand new.
"She decided against wearing her shades. It's time to look at the big blue sky without rose colored glasses. She looked ahead and couldn't look back. Because walking away would be impossible if she found him there, standing by the door, looking back at her." ~ untitled
I'm posting this here, because it's fun. I was tagged in facebook and thought this was fun... i love shuffles!!! and i especially love #16. nice.
INSTRUCTIONS:
- Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
- For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
- YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. DON'T LIE.
- Tag 10 friends (make me #11 so I can see your results). or however many you want...
- Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
- Have fun!
1. IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
swiss army romance - dashboard confessional
2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
D I A - billy corgan
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Imagine - John Lennon
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Of the Girl - Pearl Jam (huh???)
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
fu-gee-la - Fugees
6. WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Nothing is good enough - aimee mann
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Neighborhood Bully - Bob Dylan (hahaha)
8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Mintcar - the cure
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Can't buy me love - the beatles
10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
resolution time - beastie boys
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Train around the bend - the velvet underground
12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
winter - james iha
13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
alameda - elliott smith
14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Frogs - alice in chains (yikes!)
15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Take it away - the used (nyahhaha)
16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
riot act - skid row (nice.)
17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
keep the customer satisfied - simon and garfunkel (noooooooooooooo!)
18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Little man, what now? - Morrissey
19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
If i ever lose my faith in you - sting
20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Jake - lisa loeb (hihi :))
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
redemption song - bob marley
22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
One in a Million - Guns N Roses
When there are no words, I resort to spam…
I was recently tagged in “25 random things about me”. So, here’s my 25 random things.
1. i love strawberries... i am munching on a bucket of strawberries from Baguio as I type this.
2. i love surprises.
3. i am scared of dogs (especially the ones that aren't real). that's why my shih tzu is the boss. i give her everything she wants.
4. my favorite coffee is kapeng barako. and i take my coffee black, strong with 2 tbsps of sugar.
5. the only thing keeping me from buying an iphone is the news. they talk about how the world is in an economic crisis and how everything will get worse. and that we should all think twice before spending. and how people with jobs should be thankful they even have jobs.
6. no matter what they say, i love my family. (what's left of it, anyway)
7. i love flowers and stuffed toys and shoes. i am such a girl.
8. i love listening to depressing music.
9. i don't insist on anything. i'll usually accept the first answer. it's either you do or you don't. yes or no. which makes me so easy/hard to deal with.
10. i refuse to live without chocolate.
11. it may not seem like it, but i do have a plan.
12. i love cold weather. BUT i love the beach. and i love lying under the sun with a cold drink and a good book.
13. i believe that what comes around, goes around. i believe in karma. and i believe that one of these days, my turn will come.
14. i love coke zero.
15. i love apple. apple pie, apple drinks, apple gadgets. apple anything.
16. i almost didn't graduate from college because i loved playing hockey too much.
17. i have a stack of books that i haven't read (or opened) yet i still buy books like there's no tomorrow.
18. i research on almost anything first before jumping in.
19. i am very forgiving. it's the forgetting part i'm not good at.
20. i don't watch horror movies. i don't like to scare myself unnecessarily.
21. i always end up attracted to guys who embrace their inner geek. haha.
22. i almost always miss people.
23. My whole life I was only able to truly open up to two people. One is dead, the other one might as well be.
24. i snore.
25. contrary to what i say about love, i still believe that if it is true, it doesn't end.
I spent New Year’s Eve in the office. And quite frankly, spending it alone in my room as I did some years ago was so much better. I will never do that again if I can help it. On New Year’s Day, right after work, I went to Cabanatuan city with X and his family. I really had a great time. I really love the countryside. The simplicity of life in places like that always brings some sort of comfort and peace to my weary mind. There were so many kids, so many trees, so much of nature, so much family, and so much laughter and so much food. I would post some pictures but it might take a while. (X says ETA is 2 weeks).
I don’t know why I never went there before. I can’t remember if X never asked me or if I always refused. And if I did refuse, I wish I hadn’t. I’m glad I still got to go, even if it’s the last time.
It’s weird how little I remember. And yet I still can’t forget.
I was browsing through my old blogs yesterday… looking for words to comfort a friend who’s going through a really rough time… and I stumbled upon an old post. About 2 years ago. And I said I didn’t want to leave just yet because I want everything to be ready when I leave because when I finally do, there will be no turning back. I only have 6 months to prepare for the point of no return. I better haul ass.
I wonder what the hell sucked the joy out of Christmas.
Christmas passed 13 minutes ago and I still haven’t done my Christmas shopping. It’s weird, really. The holiday season used to be the highlight of my year. I looked forward to shopping for gifts and wrapping them and stacking them under my nice little tree. This year, I tried to several times to go to the mall to shop for gifts. But when I get there, there’s always a reason to go home and postpone the whole thing. Things that never seemed to stop me all those Christmases ago… what happened? I just lost interest, I guess. It just stopped being fun and became more of a duty than anything else. And honestly, how can you even go about spending your hard earned money as a chore? This whole thing used to be so much fun. I miss those days. Maybe I am just getting old. Or maybe it’s something else.
I think it’s something else.
I have been thinking about leaving ever since I can remember. I wanted to live somewhere else. Last week, I was given the opportunity to do so. All I had to do was decide. And I couldn’t. I said I wanted to think about it more. Which is weird, coz I’ve always wanted to leave. And I knew that. Maybe I just got scared. All the comfort I know now will vanish once I leave… and then there’s the fear of the unknown.
My friends all think it’s a good idea to leave. They all agree that sometimes, you have to leave to make way for better things.
I tell myself I can always come back anyway. If things don’t work out, then I can go back home and start again… or maybe I can go to another place and start there. The point is, I can pretty much go and start wherever and whenever I want. I am not bound by any chain. And frankly, I have more reasons to leave than to stay.
I still want to do my research and other preparations I feel I need to do before I sign anything. But I will definitely pursue this. Which is kinda sad, considering how I spent my potentially last Christmas here. I know I’ll look back on this and wish that I spent more time with the people I love and care for… but what’s done is done… I think I still have like at the very least, six months here. I’m going to miss everyone. But…
It’s time.
I back posted my second day in Pagudpud (to the moon and back). I have so many pictures of that trip that I want to post but I still haven't gotten around to posting them on a photo hosting site. I will post and back post the links as soon as I fix it.
There are so many things going on right now. work, parties, concerts, shoes... which reminds me, i have to go get my nails done. now.
And did you count many times I typed the word "post" in the last 5 minutes?
I have been really really sick since I got back home from my trip. I thought it was the flu, but after visiting the doctor yesterday, it turns out to be bronchitis. Crap. I guess that explains why I've been in so much pain the past week. The doctor won't let me go back to work yet. This couldn't have come at a worse time.
Speaking of work... I am looking at another job. I think I'll know on Wednesday. I really hope this turns well.
I haven't posted the continuation of my trip to Ilocos yet, but I will. As soon as I remember where I saved the drafts. haha. I will also post the pictures I took during the trip. I am still not sure which photo hosting site to post them on. I'll post the link here once I get everything together.
For now, I shall lie down and watch cartoons all day.
The journey back to manila was harsh. Sitting in a cold bus for more than 14 hours cannot be good for anyone’s health. (edit: A week after I got back to manila I will find out that I had bronchitis. I probably got it on my way to Vigan and dragged it all the way to Pagudpud and then back home.)
But the truth is, the bronchitis and the long, freezing ride home were nothing compared to the perplexity going on in my head. (Well… not really. I wasn’t confused… I mean, I think I knew all along. At the back of my head. I just refused to concede to the possibility. )
I got smacked in the head with an insight so big that I almost can't absorb it all at once.
It happened when I was getting ready to go home. I just spent the day walking on the beach and taking pictures while it literally stormed. I was right on schedule and putting lip gloss on when a realization dawned on me without warning.
Of course, it’s him. and no matter how i try to deny it, i know it's him.
One of my goals upon taking this trip was to sort some loose ends. Figure things out and look for direction. Like draw a map to the things I want to have and keep in my life. Figure out where I want to go. Draw up a path to what I really want. Up until I reached the town before Laoag, I was lost. I wasn’t sure about anything. But it was right after we passed a deserted cockfighting arena when I knew. I remember knowing, for sure what I will do as soon as I get back to manila.
Then back in that small cottage I rented for a few hours in Saud, I looked into the mirror and thought about how happy I was… about the trip, about my life, about everything… and only one thing was missing. And it was him.
And if he was there, I knew I couldn’t ask for more.
I brushed the tears off my cheeks and powdered my nose. I shrugged. It’s time to go home.
I went to the bus station and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible for the long ride home. I looked for the sunset. Then I looked for the moon. Who was I kidding, anyway? The playlist I created, all 177 songs (14 hours worth of songs), the main reason why I wanted to take a long road trip, were for or about him. It was him. And I didn't know where to start.
And there in the bus, with my aching back and heart of lead, I came to a decision. A decision that may forever change my life. But will never change my heart.
I love waking up when the sun isn't up yet and I don't have to rush off somewhere. So, yesterday I took the ultimate Pagudpud tricycle adventure. Tricycle number 144, with Lenzer as the pilot.
I didn't know I was going on a trip to the moon... then to Tatooine. haha. I love that place. it's something I’ve never seen before, except on Star Wars and in science class. We had to trek under the scorching sun for about 15 minutes before we got there. but it was totally worth it. first, you walk through a field of grass. Then you walk though the craters of the moon. or so it seemed. I was so amazed. I kept telling the tour guide that I felt like I was walking on the moon. I bet if I were to walk on the moon or another planet, it would look a lot like that place. 
then, we went to the rock formation itself. that's the name of the place because I don't think there's any other way to call it. except maybe, sand formation. The rock looks a lot like sand that froze over. like you're on a desert, but the sand is rock solid. It was like being in Episode 1. I was half expecting Padawans and George Lucas to show up somewhere.
Next was the Patapat Viaduct. (I really hope I got the names of the places right) then we went to Aqua Grande. It was nice. The water flowing from rock to rock created an illusion of steam coming off the rocks as the water flows from the mountain to the beach. it was beautiful. I wish I took better pictures. 
I almost skipped the Kabigan Waterfalls. coz, really. how many waterfalls have you seen in your life? and don't they all just look the same? it's a good thing I didn't skip this one because it was beautiful. I think the 1.5 km trek to the falls is half the charm of the falls. The water was cool. not cold, but cool... the kind you'd love to jump in after walking under the sun for 30minutes. If I had brought clothes, I would have jumped in. 
Then, we were off to the lighthouse. It was scary up there. The wind was really really strong and you can hear it from up there. The light house was really really old... and it felt creepy in there... like someone died there or something. 
It was starting to rain when we made our way to the Bangui Windmills. It was beautiful. I was overwhelmed at how big those windmills were. I wanted them to spin me off to another place and time. Really. I felt that sinking feeling when I looked up, like when you're in a roller coaster or when you’re descending at high speed. but peaceful. like you're going to be taken off somewhere safe. 
