Silver Linings

I think I knew it all along, that it was all up to me to change things... but I couldn't get a quick start, just couldn't make that leap. Barely three months ago, I was in such a rut that just days before Christmas, I wished for a new job, a new home and the world to end. I was stuck at a crossroads. Too many decisions to be made, and I just didn't know where to start or where to go that even a deal with the devil seemed like an option.

And I think that's the universe's cue to come in and lend a hand. I think it also helps that someone up there is looking out for me.

I wanted a new job...
but I didn't know what I wanted. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do except for the job I'm already doing now, and any other offer didn't seem to be good enough. So, I was offered a promotion. New responsibilities, new challenges and fresh possibilities. It's fast paced, critical, pushes you to the edge, just the way I like it.

I wanted a new home...
But I wasn't taking the time to look at houses. I had too many excuses to put this off. Then Tascha, my puppy, got evicted from our condo. I had to send her away to my family back home while I look for... (surprise!) a new home.

I wanted the world to end...
But instead, I am given the chance to see the world. Even after declining the initial offer, I was told all I had to do was get a visa and a plane ticket and the rest will be taken care of. It was literally an offer I couldn't refuse.

Now what is it again they say about avoiding your destiny? That you cant?

I believe this is my chance to do good again.

disheveled

there has never been a person in this world more in need to get her act together as me right now.

i swear. how i let things get so out of hand is beyond me... i have no idea where to start. or even how i got here. but i am here. and like an ice cold bucket of water dumped at me, i was awakened. and i have to do something about it.

ok. so maybe i knew i had to do something about it a long time ago, when it was a mere nuisance than the major dilemma it is now. but i ignored it until i can't anymore. i avoided it until i can't because now it's smothering me and i can't breathe.

I think one big fat wake up call came when i went out for drinks with some friends. i wasn't drunk yet. i wasn't even dizzy. then i felt sleepy. then everything went dim. and the voices grew farther. and i couldn't move or open my eyes or speak. i wasn't unconscious because i can hear my friends (and there were times when i hoped i was unconscious) but i couldn't respond in any way. it was like being buried alive. you couldn't do anything but you are aware of your surroundings.

now, if being buried alive is not hitting bottom, i don't know what else is.

most of the things are beyond my control and all i can do is wait... it sucks when you can't do anything else but wait. i hate waiting. i hate it with a passion.

there are some i can do something about, like organize my life. get things together at home. find a new freaking apartment. start working out and eating right again. take care of myself. fix my budget. and work on pending projects at work. this one i gotta do if i want to keep my job.

sometimes i feel like i bit off more than i can chew. but really, what else could i have done?

I just found out that:

On this day of your life, Ivy, we believe God wants you to know...
... that to burn out the pain, just find a place filled with joy.

God created joy as a balm for pain. What are some places, who are some people filled with joy that you can rely on to ease your pain?

is this some kind of joke? because it's not funny. it's freaking hilarious.



NP: wrong choice : the lovely feathers
you made the wrong choice
you made the wrong choice
oh no, tears to drown us in
oh no, falter down to it
oh no, all night long again

there are days

... when you just wish someone tells you that everything will be all right ...

... that whatever happens, they got your back ...

... can't remember the last time someone got my back ... i think i was fifteen ...

... that was way too long ago ...

i'm the sun that beats your brow

some of the biggest realizations of my life come when i'm either taking a long walk, trying on expensive shoes, eating apple pie or listening to megadeth.

today, over barbecue bacon cheese burger, coke zero, fries and apple pie... i realized how all the things that happened over the past years brought me here… where I am right now… and how everything just seemed to fall into place.it’s like, all the detours, the mishaps, the seemingly wrong turns brought me where I’ve always wanted to be. and it’s amazing. It’s like somehow, my dreams… even dreams I’ve dismissed as impossible are now just within my reach.

a few months ago i was ready to leave this country to start somewhere else. live a life totally different from what i really wanted but figured, i ultimately needed. And now, I am a nudge away from taking the architecture licensure exams.

Who knew that after everything, i will end up wanting to be what i've always wanted to be anyway? an architect.

i sat there and thought how amazing it is that all the good and bad things that happened ultimately led me here... to where i am now and how everything seems to fall in to place... as if everything is part of a grand plan that i'm only realizing now.

someone up there is really looking after me.

ok....so,,,, i guesss i have to mention the pink elephant in the room, huh?

someone told me that if you've been gone for a while and you don't know how to start again, you just jump right to it... so that was me, jumping right to it.

work has made me unbelievably busy and i love it. it's crazy, stressful, tiring, and i love it.

oh, and i think i'm back. :) i hope.

So the question now… should I back post or not?

NP: Poison was the cure : Megadeth

From a rock star to a desk fool

Was my destiny someone said
Love's a tide pool
Taste the waters life's abundant
Taste me

if life is my oyster then where the hell is my lobster?

i am always learning. everyday. i don't want to equate learning with pain. but let's face it... when we go through a so much pain, we learn a hell of a lot more than we do when we're happy.

i learned that even when everything is looking up, you can still feel like your world is falling apart.

i learned that i can choose wherever i want to go. but i can't choose where my heart stays.

i learned that time, distance, pain, hate can never erase love. nothing will.

i learned that kindness doesn't get you the guy/girl.

and at the end of the day, no matter how great your job is, if you can't share it with that one person... it just doesn't make sense.

and just when you thought things can't get any worse, you realize you've become exactly what you were afraid to be when you were young.