the long way home

The journey back to manila was harsh. Sitting in a cold bus for more than 14 hours cannot be good for anyone’s health. (edit: A week after I got back to manila I will find out that I had bronchitis. I probably got it on my way to Vigan and dragged it all the way to Pagudpud and then back home.)

But the truth is, the bronchitis and the long, freezing ride home were nothing compared to the perplexity going on in my head. (Well… not really. I wasn’t confused… I mean, I think I knew all along. At the back of my head. I just refused to concede to the possibility. )

I got smacked in the head with an insight so big that I almost can't absorb it all at once.

It happened when I was getting ready to go home. I just spent the day walking on the beach and taking pictures while it literally stormed. I was right on schedule and putting lip gloss on when a realization dawned on me without warning.

Of course, it’s him. and no matter how i try to deny it, i know it's him.

One of my goals upon taking this trip was to sort some loose ends. Figure things out and look for direction. Like draw a map to the things I want to have and keep in my life. Figure out where I want to go. Draw up a path to what I really want. Up until I reached the town before Laoag, I was lost. I wasn’t sure about anything. But it was right after we passed a deserted cockfighting arena when I knew. I remember knowing, for sure what I will do as soon as I get back to manila.

Then back in that small cottage I rented for a few hours in Saud, I looked into the mirror and thought about how happy I was… about the trip, about my life, about everything… and only one thing was missing. And it was him.

And if he was there, I knew I couldn’t ask for more.

I brushed the tears off my cheeks and powdered my nose. I shrugged. It’s time to go home.

I went to the bus station and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible for the long ride home. I looked for the sunset. Then I looked for the moon. Who was I kidding, anyway? The playlist I created, all 177 songs (14 hours worth of songs), the main reason why I wanted to take a long road trip, were for or about him. It was him. And I didn't know where to start.

And there in the bus, with my aching back and heart of lead, I came to a decision. A decision that may forever change my life. But will never change my heart.