dive in

I keep trying to pinpoint the moment when everything went a tad askew, but every time I try to, it’s either I fall asleep or something happens that messes things up a bit more and I have to get up and manage it a bit. But anyway, I think it was sometime after my Aunt went back to TX. I think it all started when I woke up in the middle of the night from so much pain in my right wrist. Yeah. I think it started with that.

Then I lost all the contents of my ipod. All of them. I mean all of them. It was pretty much every digital file I had. Some were files I’ve had as early as 1994. All the pictures were there. All of them. Then I went surfing and broke my iphone and crushed on a boy 10 years my junior. Yeah, I think that was the start of my descent.

It’s not like where I am right now is so bad… it’s just really really disorganized. My thoughts are floating around, I’m trying, constantly, to catch up on things and my right wrist still hurts.

Five months after that fateful summer, I can still feel the aftermath in my everyday life. But, I am determined to put everything in their rightful places and put some order amidst all the chaos. AND work on certain aspects of my life I know I have gravely neglected over the past months. Maybe even years.

Wow. I think I’m even excited.

Oh, and I just have to say this, but nothing beats sleeping in your own bed.

Dive In : Dave Matthews Band

Wake up sleepy head
I think the sun's a little brighter today
Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising...
Summers here to stay, and all those summer games will last forever
Go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean.

Tell me everything will be OK if I just stay on my knees and keep praying
believing in something
Tell me everything is all taken care of by those qualified to take care of it all.

Wake up sleepy head
I think the sun's a little brighter today

couch wars

before i make any big (or sometimes even small) decisions, i always do my research. well... almost. i should have on this one. Because the first thing that comes up when you google "choosing a room mate/flat mate" is, "never room with a friend". i want to bitch slap myself for not researching this major decision in my life. another lesson learned.

there's a reason why we tirelessly looked for a two bedroom apartment for months. so that we can both have our own rooms. and here are the reasons why we both have to have our own rooms:

- so that none of us will have to tip toe if we want to use the kitchen in the middle of the night/day.
- so that one of us can watch tv without lowering the volume while the other one is asleep.
- so that neither will have to deal with the other person's personal stuff/clutter.
- so that neither one of us will have to watch the other sleep, dress up, put her make up on.

so when my room mate refuses to sleep in her bedroom, my frustration is understandable. right? do you even know anyone who sleeps in the living room??? that's crazy. especially when there's an available bedroom in the house. and i wouldn't write about it here if it hadn't reached this point where i am just ready to change the locks and put all her stuff on the corridor.

it's been three months since we moved in this condo. i let her sleep in the living room the first month because i thought it was a temporary thing... a few weeks, max. but it has been three f#c%ing months. She sleeps in the living room because she's scared... of ghosts, of evil spirits, etc. which is childish and stupid. I try to be understanding... so I gave her until January. When January came, I called a cleaning lady to clean her bedroom and the rest of the house (since she doesn't do housework either). So, what does she do? She sleeps on the couch.

We have different schedules. When she's asleep, I'm awake, and vise versa. So when she sleeps in the living room, i have no choice but to watch tv and sit on the floor, or sit on a really uncomfortable chair and strain my ears to hear what i'm watching. or i can lie in bed and sleep all day.

and besides that.... it's very uncomfortable to do any activity while someone in the room is asleep. that's just how i am. i think that's how most people are.

i'm not saying that i'm the perfect room mate. i probably have a lot of annoying habits... and i do have a dog who poops and pees in the living room and kitchen as she pleases. but i have given up a lot of things i love and there are certain things i can't take... like my tv turned on even when no one is watching. (i am not ready to buy a new tv anytime soon, and the next one i buy will be in my bedroom). know what i hate more than dirty dishes and a cluttered table? a person sleeping in the living room with the dirty dishes and the cluttered table.

please tell me i'm not being unreasonable because i'm way in over my head.

such unnecessary inconvenience.

a million different places... and guess what?

i believe that if you pray hard enough, sooner or later... in one way or another, your prayer will be answered. lately, i've been waking up in the middle of the night to find my hands still firmly clasped together in prayer.

i always learn my lessons the hard way. and not becuase i'm not cautious... i just believe that life is too short. and i don't have the time to analyze the pros and cons before i have fun. and also, sometimes i feel like life owes me a lot.

all in one week, i found a new place. the place is smaller than the one i have now, but a hell of a lot closer to work. and there's a pool. i wish i had the budget to renovate the place and make it look like one of those condos you see in magazines. anyway, i'm hopeful. it's the one thing i have.

this week also: i was given another chance to get a job out of the country... and be closer to someone i think i should be close to. at least, this time i can take my time to decide. maybe I need that.... but i love my job here. and there's nothing else i would rather do (well, except maybe lie on the beach with a good book and a cold drink for a living)

either way, every step i make seems to bring me further away from you.

disheveled

there has never been a person in this world more in need to get her act together as me right now.

i swear. how i let things get so out of hand is beyond me... i have no idea where to start. or even how i got here. but i am here. and like an ice cold bucket of water dumped at me, i was awakened. and i have to do something about it.

ok. so maybe i knew i had to do something about it a long time ago, when it was a mere nuisance than the major dilemma it is now. but i ignored it until i can't anymore. i avoided it until i can't because now it's smothering me and i can't breathe.

I think one big fat wake up call came when i went out for drinks with some friends. i wasn't drunk yet. i wasn't even dizzy. then i felt sleepy. then everything went dim. and the voices grew farther. and i couldn't move or open my eyes or speak. i wasn't unconscious because i can hear my friends (and there were times when i hoped i was unconscious) but i couldn't respond in any way. it was like being buried alive. you couldn't do anything but you are aware of your surroundings.

now, if being buried alive is not hitting bottom, i don't know what else is.

most of the things are beyond my control and all i can do is wait... it sucks when you can't do anything else but wait. i hate waiting. i hate it with a passion.

there are some i can do something about, like organize my life. get things together at home. find a new freaking apartment. start working out and eating right again. take care of myself. fix my budget. and work on pending projects at work. this one i gotta do if i want to keep my job.

sometimes i feel like i bit off more than i can chew. but really, what else could i have done?

I just found out that:

On this day of your life, Ivy, we believe God wants you to know...
... that to burn out the pain, just find a place filled with joy.

God created joy as a balm for pain. What are some places, who are some people filled with joy that you can rely on to ease your pain?

is this some kind of joke? because it's not funny. it's freaking hilarious.



NP: wrong choice : the lovely feathers
you made the wrong choice
you made the wrong choice
oh no, tears to drown us in
oh no, falter down to it
oh no, all night long again

kick start

Major, major changes coming up.

I wonder if the decisions I make right now will lead me to where I am supposed to be. But how are you to know, anyway? This may be the best or worst decision I will ever make.

Things are going on full speed… I hope I can do this. It’s scary but I am determined to rise above this. I have to. I don’t really have a choice. Shoot. Maybe I can retract my resignation…?

No. I have to do this. I have to at least try.

Maybe the timing is crazy. Maybe it’s perfect. I can only find out.

Things to look forward to in the weekend:

1. Two Sides – the Wolfgang concert.
2. Camping by the beach in Anawangin

Some crazy things I have to do in less than two weeks.

1. learn how to drive
2. get a driver’s license
3. complete my pre employment requirements
4. start with a new job

and in the not so distant future, maybe in a month or two:

1. move out
2. move on

and somewhere in between:

1. get a rockin’ new wardrobe that will go well with my
2. rockin’ new life.

sometimes I think I’m brave. But the truth is. I’m scared as hell. I am shaking as I type this.

NP: Eden : 10,000 Maniacs
All in time,
but the clock is another demon that
devours our time in Eden,
in our Paradise.
Will our eyes see well beneath us,
flowers all divine?
Is there still time?
If we wake and discover
in life a precious love,
will that waking become more heavenly?

bedlam!

I turned 29, lost my job, found another job and decided that I want to have a puppy all in a span of one week. This is kinda frenzied, even for me.

I love houses, which is why I took Architecture in the first place. I treasure the idea of living in a nice, quiet, little house. I love designing it (in my head, because I can’t draw to save my life). And I love staying in my apartment the whole day, just spending time with my parakeets and turtles. I love cooking. I love eating in front of the TV. I love having the stereo on full blast while I clean my apartment, rearrange my furniture and sing with, well, wild abandon. I love shopping for things for my apartment: new curtains, rugs, candles, paintings, and maybe a new table. I love grocery shopping and filling my fridge with chocolates and fruits. I love reading a good book while it rains outside and there’s only enough light in the room to read the words…

It has been roughly 8 months since I moved to this new apartment. There I was, single, busy and hopeful. I was hoping to start anew and well… just glad to be out of the cramped apartment with a ceiling that leaks. I stayed a year too long there, I think. Or maybe I stayed five years too long there, I don’t know. (well, that’s a whole new blog altogether. Haha.)

Well, very little progress has since been made towards the improvement of my new apartment. there was work, and the holidays, then I went on a lot of trips… hongkong, macao, coron, boracay, bohol, then boracay again… then there’s also the slight misfortune of me constantly getting sick, which confines me to bed for a whole week sometimes. And of course, there’s you know, life… which happens… and has left me with this:

I think I have bit of a wiring problem. how did I end up like this? And how the hell do I untangle this mess? Wires first. Then me.

What? Who? me? Trashy? This isn’t even half of my garbage problem, but all the rest is just too embarrassing and gross to post here.

Clear cache. Please. This is half of the cd’s/dvd’s I have yet to sort/watch/listen to. My best friend is coming over sometime next week to borrow some of my cd’s to import to her iPod. Well, I wish both us luck.

Ivy, you’re so vain. this shows just how much or how little I care about how I look. I’ll leave you to decide. Which reminds me, I have to buy a real mirror.

Culture shock. This is the top of my dresser. I don’t even know what to say.

sweet attic dreams. When I moved in November of last year I had high hopes for this room. I imagined a really nice home theatre system. A huge TV. My dvds neatly stacked and arranged alphabetically. And maybe on weekends I’ll have some people over for movies or video games and popcorn and cold beer. Now, eight months later… this is just sad. I’m almost sorry. Ha.

Skeletons and boxing gloves in my closet. oh and yeah, some clothes too. This also reminds me that I haven’t used my iron since January, when I attended that wedding.

Minus ears. This is my bedside table. And yes. That is a blue plastic cat with a propeller on top of his head. That’s Doraemon and I love him. And yes, he flies.

the bedlam that is where I sleep. That’s jingoy and mr wizard. and I just realized how deep in shit I am right now.

For what it’s worth, I would like to stress that I am not a slob. This is not joe’s apartment. It may be hard to believe but there aren’t any bugs in my pink little pad. There aren’t any cockroaches, ants or rodents. Although I think some spiders started to migrate in my terrace the past month. and my apartment smells of apples.

So here it is, my rented life. Living in single domestic chaos.