6,470,818,671

"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.” ~ P. Sawyer

“when all your dreams come true, who do you want standing next to you?”

My 19 year old friend, J asked me this question out of the blue. She said she’s been watching old episodes of One Tree Hill the past few days because she’s so excited over the coming 6th season, and one of the characters asked that question. And for some reason she thought she had to ask me that question. Totally random, I’m sure.

I remember watching a few episodes of the first season but I kinda lost track of what was going on so I stopped watching. Anyway… I told J that I’m 29 years old. For people my age, the whole “dream coming true” thing sailed long ago.

Most people I know are just trying to get by. They settle with people they do not love because they don’t want to be alone. They stay with jobs they hate because they have to and there’s nothing else out there. They keep their dreams hidden inside because it’s safe that way. They keep their dreams hidden away until they’re forgotten.

She looked at me like I was talking alien and asked again, So, who do you want standing next to you?

Do you even have to ask? It’s Lucas.
It’s always been Lucas.

Ha.

I think I better get some sleep. i have bumps on my head and I have no idea how or why I have them.


NP: here comes a regular : the replacements
"Sometimes I just ain't in the mood
To take my place in back with the loudmouths
You're like a picture on a fridge that's never stocked with food,
I used to live at home, now I stay at the house

First the lights, and the collar goes up,and the wind begins to blow
You turn our back on a pay-you-back last call
First the plants, the leaves, the grass and here comes the snow
There ain't much to rake here anyway in the fall"

massive aggressive

There are days when I don’t know how many hours I’ve been awake. And there are days when I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep. All I know is that when my alarm goes off, I have to get up and go to work. I’m not even sure what date it is. The date on my phone says it’s 5-11-08. whatever that means, I’m quite sure it’s not right. Last week, while at work, I started telling everyone how glad I am that it’s already Friday and we get to finally rest the next day. It was just Wednesday. Who would have thought? I think I’ve been awake for around 40 hours.

I think this is the first time in almost a month that I got off work while the sun is still up. it’s a national holiday so the streets were almost empty. While the bus rushed through roxas boulevard, I noticed a photographer on the sidewalk. He was on one knee while he took pictures of my orange sky. I wouldn’t even have noticed the sunset if I hadn’t seen that photographer.

I wonder if his high tech camera lens can capture the sky as I see it. Or at least the way I used to. I tried to remember how it felt, seeing it for the first time. But I can’t remember much. Just that I was overwhelmed. Now… I find that it’s empty but still overwhelming.

The thing about sunsets and orange skies is that no painting or picture can ever be as beautiful… because you have to be there.


It’s just never what it is when you’re not there.


NP: masters of war : bob dylan
"And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand over your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead."

the simple life, honey

"I think there’s something very valuable in simplicity and our world is kind of going to the opposite end of that." ~ castro

Thanks for reminding me, dude.

NP: all the money or the simple life honey : dandy warhols
"So if you're playin' in a rock and roll band

But still you're doing whatever the man says

Well I can tell you for the money

The simple life honey is good

So get yourself into a ranch-style home

When the neighbor's never more than a stone's throw

Well I can tell you for the money

The simple life honey is good

That's right

Yes it's good"

brain dead

Where did I say I wanted to be again? Coz I forgot. For the life of me I can’t remember.

i think my brain is swollen and my head is ready to explode.

NP: Romeo and Juliet : The Killers
"Well, you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold

You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold

You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin

Now you just say, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you knowI used to have a scene with him"

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry

You said, "I love you like the stars above, "I love you till I die"

There's a place for us, you know the movie song

When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

I can't do the talk like the talk on the TV

And I can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be

I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you

Can't do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be

All I do is keep the beat, the bad company

And all I do is kiss you, through the bars of a rhyme

Juliet, I'd do the stars with you any time"

Beyond shrieking.

The past three weeks have been grueling to say the least. It was an overwhelming combination of mental, physical and emotional torture. To say that I’m drained and exhausted would be an understatement. I don’t don’t ever ever want to go through something like this ever ever again, ever.

But don’t get me wrong. i wanted to do this because I know that to get where I want to be, I have to go through this. I just wish the circumstances were a bit different and I didn’t have to learn and apply everything in such a short time. Well… gotta do what I gotta do… I have a goal and I know that I have to go through this to get where I want to be.

but in the past three weeks, I have to admit, I think I grew 5 years older. I feel like I’m ready for anything. And the nice thing about this, traumatic as it may have been, is that if faced with the same kind of situation (I hope not), I know I’ll make it. Not going to be easy, but I can definitely go through with it.

And it’s not that I didn’t have fun… I did. I just wish I didn’t have to give up so much in the process. I miss tascha. I miss the chubs. I miss kori (or ben). I miss my apartment. I miss my bed. I miss jingoy. I miss my friends. And as it seems, the story of my life, I miss my home.

When this started, I just wanted to go home and scream. Then I wanted to cry. Now, it’s gone beyond that. And it’s not even over yet.

NP: Never is a Promise: Fiona Apple
"You’ll say you’d never give up seeing eye to eye
You’ll say, don’t fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie

You’ll never hear the message I give
You’ll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in, you don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie"

mugged

I think I’m going to like this management training I have to take everyday after my regular shift. Well… I learn a lot. and the view is great.

You know how it is when you like someone and you get to talk to him and you’re so concerned you’ll say something dumb? Well, I said, “I love your mug”.

First: I don’t love it. I like it. a little. It’s nice, not amazing.

Second: it’s not even a mug. It’s a fucking tumbler.

Credit castrocopia for the facepalm.

Why do I have the feeling that despite having to be at work for 13 hours a day, I will go home with a silly smile on my face every night for weeks?

NP: Help Me : Joni Mitchell
"Help me
I think I'm falling
In love again
When I get that crazy
I know I'm in trouble again
I'm in trouble"

your what?

"she was my Halley's comet. But the universe is designed to break your heart, right?"
-- must love dogs

dork is the new seksi

Because work forces me to go to such entertaining sites such as the urbandictionary.com, I came across this geeky piece of information:

GEEK - One of four titles used to classify someone based on their technical and social skills. The other three titles are nerd, dork, and normie. The difference between the four titles can be easily shown in table form:

................ Technical ...... Social
Title ............ Skills ......... Skills
---------- ---------------- ------------
Normie ......... No ............. Yes
Geek ........... Yes ............. Yes
Nerd ............ Yes ............. No
Dork ............ No .............. No

Normie: A normal person. Blah.

Geek: An outwardly normal person who has taken the time to learn technical skills. Geeks have as normal a social life as anyone, and usually the only way to tell if someone is a geek is if they inform you of their skills.

Nerd: A socially awkward person who has learned technical skills due to the spare time they enjoy from being generally neglected. Their technical knowledge then leads normies to neglect them even further, leading to more development of their technical skills, more neglection, etc. This vicious cycle drives them even more into social oblivion.

Dork: A person who, although also socially awkward, doesn't have the intelligence to fill the void with technical pursuits, like a nerd, and is forced to do mindless activities. Almost always alone. Usually with an XBox. Like playing Halo. All day. Every day. Not even understanding how the Xbox is making the pretty pictures on the screen. Very sad.

"If you met me at a party, you would have no idea that I enjoy finite element analysis-based in viscid flow modeling using computational fluid dynamics. That's because I'm a geek. "

http://www.urbandictionary.com/

NP: lonesome tears : beck
"Lonesome tears
I can't cry them anymore
I can't think of what they're for
Oh they ruin me every time
But I'll try
To leave behind some days
These tears just can't erase
I don’t need them anymore
How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel
Lazy sun
Your eyes catch the light
With promises that might
Come true for awhile
Oh I'll ride
Farther than I should
Harder than I could
Just to meet you there"

a method to the madddness

Trust me, there is.

It’s just too complicated to lay out there for you. I am slowly trying to get things back on track so bear with me. And I am sorry if I have been unbelievably short tempered and irritable. I am just so tired. I just seem to have lost any shred of patience and tolerance over the past few weeks. Oh wait, has it been months? Anyway, I’m fixing that too… so…

I think I’m going to love my new job. It’s nice to work for a company that thrives on the basic goodness of people. Ironically, I wished to be assigned to the investigations department and I got my wish. I will be making sure that the people who investigate do their job right. Just how cool is that? Can you imagine how much power I have? Hahaha.

I’ve never used this laugh my whole life and I still probably shouldn’t … because it’s just not me and I know I wouldn’t be able to pull it off... but heck.

Bwahahahaha!!!111!!!!

Well, I better go… I have to gear up for my 13 hour a day work week. Oh. what. fun.

NP: home : foo fighters
"Wish I were with you
I couldn't stay
Every direction
Leads me away
Pray for tomorrow
But for today
All I want is to be home
Stand in the mirror
You look the same
Just lookin' for shelter
From cold and the pain
Someone to cover
Safe from the rain
Echoes and silence"