there are days

... when you just wish someone tells you that everything will be all right ...

... that whatever happens, they got your back ...

... can't remember the last time someone got my back ... i think i was fifteen ...

... that was way too long ago ...

fight club.

i have two names. together they mean a brave and strong willed princess. my mom wanted me to be strong. and brave. and independent. and strong. she also wanted me to be a ballerina. there was no way she was getting that.

sometimes i wish my mom never wished for me to be strong. some people go through life without ever needing to be strong. or do they? sometimes, i think that everyone goes through some sort of battle... it's just different for each one of us. but sometimes, i think some people have it better and some don't.

all my life i feel like i've had to fight for things in my life. i've had to fight to keep loved ones around. i've had to fight to get by.

my job is the only thing i feel was handed out to me without so much effort. lately, i feel like it's slowly changing. i wish that i didn't have to go on battle for this. not this one. at least.

but like every other thing in my life, i have to fight if i want to keep this. i have to be brave. and strong.

but i don't want to fight. not anymore.

but how will you win if you don't fight?

but i don't want to win. i didn't know someone has to win and someone has to lose. i don't want to win. i just....

and yet it seems as though i'm always in battle.

they say, fortune favors the bold.

i say, let's see.

if life is my oyster then where the hell is my lobster?

i am always learning. everyday. i don't want to equate learning with pain. but let's face it... when we go through a so much pain, we learn a hell of a lot more than we do when we're happy.

i learned that even when everything is looking up, you can still feel like your world is falling apart.

i learned that i can choose wherever i want to go. but i can't choose where my heart stays.

i learned that time, distance, pain, hate can never erase love. nothing will.

i learned that kindness doesn't get you the guy/girl.

and at the end of the day, no matter how great your job is, if you can't share it with that one person... it just doesn't make sense.

and just when you thought things can't get any worse, you realize you've become exactly what you were afraid to be when you were young.