tgif wtf

When I got my job 11 months ago and slowly settled and got used to the frenzied phase, I thought the lack of financial fulfillment was going to be my biggest concern.  11 months later, I learned that that would be… well… in the top three of my concerns.  I didn’t think that burn out and mis direction would be my concerns.  It sucks that I’m seriously thinking about quitting a job that I love. it’s just that lately, there’s just been a whole lot of that going on. Not the love part, but the job part. In fact, I feel that there’s been way too much of it, it’s not healthy anymore.

I feel and I know that if I continue like this, it’s either I end up a poor, bitter, hypertensive bitch or I die.  Either way, it doesn’t look good. 

But I love my job, and I can’t imagine doing anything else. But… this isn’t right. And it’s come to the point where I’m not sure if it’s still worth it. I’m not sure if this is something I want to fight for.

And once again, I’m tired.

lazy suzy

Work seems to have taken over my life the past month. And it’s only bound to get worse this March.  I get mild panic attacks whenever I remember the insurmountable things I have to deal with at work this coming march.  The fire brigade competition, the newsletter, the earth hour celebration… I get light headed whenever I think about it.  I want to go to the beach! And relax! And sip mango shake! And read a book! Under the sun!

I can’t believe how crazy February has been.  There was the condura run, which I will later on learn was a breeze in comparison to the next events.  the century run, which attracted over 11,000 runners, was a great success, in my opinion.  There are a lot of people who would say otherwise, but for me, it was a success.  Everyone had their own experience at the run, and although a lot of people had an amazing time, we only usually hear from the ones who didn’t.  this is especially true when it comes to event organizing.  The event may be a raging success, but there will be one or two who will be unhappy for one reason or another. 

I love my job.   And although the Saturday before the big event, I was crying inside a rest room cubicle because I couldn’t locate a supplier ; and I was only able to relax and enjoy the run an hour after the height of the event and almost everyone has gone home.   I am still thankful that my job gives me such amazing highs.

I am also thankful for the breather this weekend.  A weekend without work, or so I thought.  Well… there were just a few calls. And a lot of dropped calls.  Ah well…

Friday, I was one of the judges in a beauty pageant.  I was there from 6pm to 12mn. Who would have thought those things go on forever??? Well, at least I can say that I once judged a beauty pageant alongside Brazilian models, famous cosmetic surgeons and famed photographers.

Saturday, I saw a movie and bought a dress for my cousin’s wedding.  I asked my roommate to do my hair and makeup next week.  I told her I want to be prettier than the bride. Ha. I was serious. But it’s kinda impossible because my cousin is really beautiful. And it is her wedding day. Anyway. My turn will come.

Next week, it’s my cousin’s wedding. My aunt and grandma are coming home this Friday from Texas to join the celebration.  I can’t wait to see them.  I can’t wait to see my family again after a long time. 

This Sunday there’s the Run United.  There will be around 3,500 less runners this time. But it’s still a huge crowd… I hope I beat my time. Better practice tomorrow. 

book run 2010

i didn't get to run as much as i should have last year, so i'm making it my new year's resolution to join the fun runs at BGC almost every week. mixing work and working out... and it's fun. (they don't call them fun runs for nothing. ha. )

i don't have any specific goal when i run. but this morning, i was halfway through the first km of my 5km when i decided that my goal was to run till my legs feel like they're going to fall off and until my chest feels like it's going to explode. 2 Kms later, i decided that was not the brightest idea and slowed my pace and walked. then my boss pointed to M R, one of the most beautiful local celebrities, running a few feet ahead of us. after walking and staring at her shapely hips for five minutes, i decided i had a new goal: beat M R at the finish line. and i did.

runningmate sent the race results 30 minutes ago via text. it's my best time so far. it's my best time but it's still embarrassing so i'm not posting it here.

oh, and i did get that picture with D D. which, i failed to admit earlier, was my real goal for joining this race. haha.

next run : condura run for the dolphins. can't wait.

sweet dreams

while i argue in my mind whether i should do some stuff for work or finish some personal errands or just sit back and read a book on this sunday night, i thought i should drop by this blog.

last year, a former colleague gave me a small notepad for christmas. there was a quote at the bottom of the paper. it said, "If one advances carefully in the direction of his dreams, & endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in uncommon hours. " ~ Henry David Thoreau

i took one piece from that notepad and kept it in my wallet since. and soon after i started looking for a job that i liked. four months later, i got a new job and wondered how the hell i got it.

lately i have been thinking a lot about work... and the monetary compensation i get from this job that i love so much. it's not that what i get isn't enough... it's just that i know i can get so much more from a job that's easier. easier but something i'm only mildly interested in. just thinking about this stresses me out.

it's like this... i love my job. i can't imagine myself doing anything else. but my salary is just enough to get me through. it's not enough to get me that beautiful house or that new car or those amazing vacations. but everyday i'm thankful that i get to do something that makes sense to me.

which brings me to an important question, would you rather have a job that'll enable you to get that beautiful house, that new car and those amazing vacations... or would you rather do something you love. everyday. a job that makes you smile. and feel blessed that you are doing what you love. yet it'll take a lot of sacrifice and time to get a nice house, a decent car and the occasional vacation.

i think the question here is, what's more important to me?

well... look at the time! it's almost 10pm... time for bed. sweet dreams.

NP : clockwatching : jason mraz
Let's live in this moment just this time, could we?
Just take one moment of our time m-m-m-m-maybe.
Let's forget we running out of time.

I'm off like an airplane,
I'm catching my second wind again.
I'm using my left brain
And I'm righting all my wrongs.
lately we're running out of time, aren't we?

disheveled

there has never been a person in this world more in need to get her act together as me right now.

i swear. how i let things get so out of hand is beyond me... i have no idea where to start. or even how i got here. but i am here. and like an ice cold bucket of water dumped at me, i was awakened. and i have to do something about it.

ok. so maybe i knew i had to do something about it a long time ago, when it was a mere nuisance than the major dilemma it is now. but i ignored it until i can't anymore. i avoided it until i can't because now it's smothering me and i can't breathe.

I think one big fat wake up call came when i went out for drinks with some friends. i wasn't drunk yet. i wasn't even dizzy. then i felt sleepy. then everything went dim. and the voices grew farther. and i couldn't move or open my eyes or speak. i wasn't unconscious because i can hear my friends (and there were times when i hoped i was unconscious) but i couldn't respond in any way. it was like being buried alive. you couldn't do anything but you are aware of your surroundings.

now, if being buried alive is not hitting bottom, i don't know what else is.

most of the things are beyond my control and all i can do is wait... it sucks when you can't do anything else but wait. i hate waiting. i hate it with a passion.

there are some i can do something about, like organize my life. get things together at home. find a new freaking apartment. start working out and eating right again. take care of myself. fix my budget. and work on pending projects at work. this one i gotta do if i want to keep my job.

sometimes i feel like i bit off more than i can chew. but really, what else could i have done?

I just found out that:

On this day of your life, Ivy, we believe God wants you to know...
... that to burn out the pain, just find a place filled with joy.

God created joy as a balm for pain. What are some places, who are some people filled with joy that you can rely on to ease your pain?

is this some kind of joke? because it's not funny. it's freaking hilarious.



NP: wrong choice : the lovely feathers
you made the wrong choice
you made the wrong choice
oh no, tears to drown us in
oh no, falter down to it
oh no, all night long again

i'm the sun that beats your brow

some of the biggest realizations of my life come when i'm either taking a long walk, trying on expensive shoes, eating apple pie or listening to megadeth.

today, over barbecue bacon cheese burger, coke zero, fries and apple pie... i realized how all the things that happened over the past years brought me here… where I am right now… and how everything just seemed to fall into place.it’s like, all the detours, the mishaps, the seemingly wrong turns brought me where I’ve always wanted to be. and it’s amazing. It’s like somehow, my dreams… even dreams I’ve dismissed as impossible are now just within my reach.

a few months ago i was ready to leave this country to start somewhere else. live a life totally different from what i really wanted but figured, i ultimately needed. And now, I am a nudge away from taking the architecture licensure exams.

Who knew that after everything, i will end up wanting to be what i've always wanted to be anyway? an architect.

i sat there and thought how amazing it is that all the good and bad things that happened ultimately led me here... to where i am now and how everything seems to fall in to place... as if everything is part of a grand plan that i'm only realizing now.

someone up there is really looking after me.

ok....so,,,, i guesss i have to mention the pink elephant in the room, huh?

someone told me that if you've been gone for a while and you don't know how to start again, you just jump right to it... so that was me, jumping right to it.

work has made me unbelievably busy and i love it. it's crazy, stressful, tiring, and i love it.

oh, and i think i'm back. :) i hope.

So the question now… should I back post or not?

NP: Poison was the cure : Megadeth

From a rock star to a desk fool

Was my destiny someone said
Love's a tide pool
Taste the waters life's abundant
Taste me

fight club.

i have two names. together they mean a brave and strong willed princess. my mom wanted me to be strong. and brave. and independent. and strong. she also wanted me to be a ballerina. there was no way she was getting that.

sometimes i wish my mom never wished for me to be strong. some people go through life without ever needing to be strong. or do they? sometimes, i think that everyone goes through some sort of battle... it's just different for each one of us. but sometimes, i think some people have it better and some don't.

all my life i feel like i've had to fight for things in my life. i've had to fight to keep loved ones around. i've had to fight to get by.

my job is the only thing i feel was handed out to me without so much effort. lately, i feel like it's slowly changing. i wish that i didn't have to go on battle for this. not this one. at least.

but like every other thing in my life, i have to fight if i want to keep this. i have to be brave. and strong.

but i don't want to fight. not anymore.

but how will you win if you don't fight?

but i don't want to win. i didn't know someone has to win and someone has to lose. i don't want to win. i just....

and yet it seems as though i'm always in battle.

they say, fortune favors the bold.

i say, let's see.

an apple a day...

I have been really really sick since I got back home from my trip. I thought it was the flu, but after visiting the doctor yesterday, it turns out to be bronchitis. Crap. I guess that explains why I've been in so much pain the past week. The doctor won't let me go back to work yet. This couldn't have come at a worse time.

Speaking of work... I am looking at another job. I think I'll know on Wednesday. I really hope this turns well.

I haven't posted the continuation of my trip to Ilocos yet, but I will. As soon as I remember where I saved the drafts. haha. I will also post the pictures I took during the trip. I am still not sure which photo hosting site to post them on. I'll post the link here once I get everything together.

For now, I shall lie down and watch cartoons all day.