worst day EVER

you've dug your own grave, now lie in it.

project: save up! part 2

ok. i just bought two watches. i'll start tomorrow. promise.

i couldn't resist. they were may too pretty and shinny to turn down.

i'm dead.

i also need a new camera. and i need to stop posting lousy pictures. i know.

project : save up!

i knew it. tascha is a dog supermodel. the vet said so. she's tall, thin, has amazing hair, high maintenance, whinny, snotty, and has an eating disorder. she's a gem.

i left her reluctantly at the groomers. i didn't know it'll take more than 5 hours to groom her. oh well. in the meantime, i'll get some work done on that little secret project, which by the way, is turning out to be more work than i expected or welcomed.

i also brought home some work from the office because i do/say stupid things sometimes. and this is one of the consequences. argh.

i'm having second thoughts on tascha's future. i don't want her to have puppies. i have decided that before i even got her. i have no plans of getting more dogs. one is, as proven, more than i can handle. but, it seems with all the money i've spent on her and the number of people waiting for a litter from her, i might be compelled to take the other way and look for a stud in six months.

i have a new and essential project. it's called, "project: save up!" my spending habits have been pretty lose lately. ha. lose. more like out of control. and if i want to have *some* money left for christmas shopping this december, i better wise up and save some bucks. i'm starting today.

wish me luck!

i'm not there

a movie where a black kid, a woman, a french poet, batman, joker and billy the kid portray the many facets of bob dylan has to be interesting. and of course, i had to see it.

surprisingly, out of the six, cate blanchett was the most convincing.

i think, to appreciate this movie, you have to at least know a little background on dylan's life. i'm not claiming that i know a lot, i just happened to read his autobiography, "chronicles part 1" and i know the movie would not have made sense if i didn't read the book.

ok, ok... so maybe the movie didn't say much. but then, it said a lot. much like dylan, i guess.

found

brand spanking NEW!

the hell?!

okay. so i managed to screw up this blog and i'm only on my second glass of chardonnay.

huh.

i think i've also screwed up my laptop beyond repair.

huh.

internet explorer is not even working anymore...

what the hell?!

I got the freaking bouquet!

In honor of C’s wedding yesterday, I listened to STP on my way to her wedding. Which made me wish I was in high school, a time when I played tennis and drums and my mom was alive and everything was possible.

The wedding was fun. At least, for me and most of my friends, it was. I could only imagine the stress the couple went through. I love weddings, it’s always full of hope and flowers and shinny stuff.

I don’t really cry at weddings. But this one, I almost did. Wouldn’t it be perfect when, during your wedding, you read the vows written by the church and you realize that the vows perfectly describe your relationship with the man you’re marrying? I was so happy for my friend, I almost cried.

Congratulations, C and C! and thanks for the chardonnay!

NP: wicked garden : Stone Temple Pilots
"Can you see without eyes ?
Can you speak without lies ?
I wanna drink from you naked fountain
I can drown your sorrows
I'm gonna burn, burn you to life now
Out of the chains that bind you

Can you see just like a child ?
Can you see just what I want ?
Can I bring you back to life ?
Are you scared of life ?

Can you feel pain inside ?
Can you love ?
Can you cry ?
I wanna run through your wicked garden
Heard that's the place to find you
'Cause I'm alive
So alive now
Out of the dark that blinds you"

that's me inside your head

Just how many pairs of shoes can a girl wear in a week? not more than 15, I would say. And yet I keep buying them. This week alone, I got 3 new pairs. I swear, they have power over me.

I think it was last weekend when my best friend, R dropped by to take pictures of tascha. It was so hard to take pictures of tascha because she was running all over the place and she stunk. Anyway, here are some of the pictures…





I went to the spa last Sunday, got a manicure, pedicure, foot spa and a chocolate facial. It felt sooo good. And I love my French tipped nails. IMHO, chocolate is still best eaten but slathered all over your face is not bad either.

There are days when I feel really positive about everything. Like there’s so much in store for me. And I know I will be able to somehow, get the things I want and reach the goals I’ve set and maybe even make my dreams come true. I know I’ll be okay. I know I’ll be fine. I know I’ll be happy. And I know I’ll get by the tough times on my own.

But there are days when you wonder if there’ll ever be someone. And it's not even about life being more convenient or easier if you have someone beside you.

it's not that. it's more like... it's just ... happier.


NP: far more : honorary title
"Is this the sound of our demise
Or just the opposite?
I love you and I miss you
What else is there to say?"

mixtape

On my way home everyday, I pass by a bus terminal. And everyday, I just want to jump into the bus to lucena. Just leave the city with no plans, no destination and sit on the bus for hours and hours and listen to ray la montagne’s raspy voice. Maybe I’ll get some answers. And if I’m lucky, maybe I’ll stumble upon some kind of truth.

Hmmm… lucena isn’t that far. I don’t think that road trip will be long enough to stumble into anything. maybe i should go back to bicol. or maybe i should go up north... like vigan or I don’t know… wherever…

And maybe instead of just la montagne’s music, I should make a mix tape. Well, not exactly a mix tape, but a really kick ass playlist in my ipod.

Yey. Project!


NP: better together : jack johnson
"There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a, shoebox of photographs
with sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come we're so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together"

bad ass (part II)

He who does not weep does not see.
~ les miserables

I was watching tv on a Sunday morning, wondering how to go about my day when this song played on TV and I started bawling like a cow. This song is so sad.

Recently, my friends have been telling me that I’m jaded. Which is weird because, maybe four of them used the actual term “jaded” and that I haven’t told them much to merit such comment. Huh.

I don’t really know where I’m at right now. But I don’t think I’m jaded. I know I’m scared, which I think is understandable considering… well, everything. The truth is, I’m a hopeless romantic. I want to believe that true love still exists and that people who are meant to be together actually end up together. I want to believe that there's one true love for everyone and if you work hard enough and you wait long enough, it'll happen and you'll find that happiness that you only read about in books, the kind of happiness that changes your life. I want to believe that love is true and that it's forever. I have to believe it still exists.

so... maybe I'm jaded. maybe I'm delusional... and I admit I’m scared. but right now,

i'd like to think i'm a cold heartless bitch until someone comes along and takes the time to know me enough to tell me otherwise.

NP: first cut is the deepest : sheryl crow
"I would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and she's taking almost all that I've got
but if you want, I'll try to love again
baby I'll try to love again but I know
The first cut is the deepest.."

light years away

I woke up with a hell of a headache this morning. Amidst the torrent of this painful hangover, I realized that I have been so selfish lately. I just wanted some time for myself but I didn’t realize that though I am going through a rough patch, some of my friends might actually need me to be there for them. And I am sorry.

I hadn’t realized that shutting people off was selfish. Some of them may need you because they are also going though a difficult time. Some of them may need you to be around because they want to celebrate with you. Some just want to know that you’re okay. And some just want to know that you’re still there. And some just want to hang out. And some just really miss you.

I didn’t realize that hiding in a hole would hurt them. It was just my way of healing. And it’s not fair to dodge the phone calls and the messages. I know the excuses have gotten lame by this time. Yes, I have been busy but I know I could have made an extra effort. And I am sorry. I will try to get out of this.

So if you see me waving my hand, how about you take it and help out of this hole? If it’s not too much to ask. Thanks.

And by the way, I’ve gotten a lot of smack for this, my old 0917 number is no longer working. You can reach me at the 0915 number and will try to reply. I promise to try. And my home phone is not working. Again. Hehe. But globe is on it!!

I want happy back. Dammet!!


NP: light years away : mozella
"It's how you wanted it to be
It's like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend in the end

'Cuz I don't blame you anymore
Thats too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

That life seems like
Light years away, light years away"

6,470,818,671

"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.” ~ P. Sawyer

“when all your dreams come true, who do you want standing next to you?”

My 19 year old friend, J asked me this question out of the blue. She said she’s been watching old episodes of One Tree Hill the past few days because she’s so excited over the coming 6th season, and one of the characters asked that question. And for some reason she thought she had to ask me that question. Totally random, I’m sure.

I remember watching a few episodes of the first season but I kinda lost track of what was going on so I stopped watching. Anyway… I told J that I’m 29 years old. For people my age, the whole “dream coming true” thing sailed long ago.

Most people I know are just trying to get by. They settle with people they do not love because they don’t want to be alone. They stay with jobs they hate because they have to and there’s nothing else out there. They keep their dreams hidden inside because it’s safe that way. They keep their dreams hidden away until they’re forgotten.

She looked at me like I was talking alien and asked again, So, who do you want standing next to you?

Do you even have to ask? It’s Lucas.
It’s always been Lucas.

Ha.

I think I better get some sleep. i have bumps on my head and I have no idea how or why I have them.


NP: here comes a regular : the replacements
"Sometimes I just ain't in the mood
To take my place in back with the loudmouths
You're like a picture on a fridge that's never stocked with food,
I used to live at home, now I stay at the house

First the lights, and the collar goes up,and the wind begins to blow
You turn our back on a pay-you-back last call
First the plants, the leaves, the grass and here comes the snow
There ain't much to rake here anyway in the fall"

massive aggressive

There are days when I don’t know how many hours I’ve been awake. And there are days when I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep. All I know is that when my alarm goes off, I have to get up and go to work. I’m not even sure what date it is. The date on my phone says it’s 5-11-08. whatever that means, I’m quite sure it’s not right. Last week, while at work, I started telling everyone how glad I am that it’s already Friday and we get to finally rest the next day. It was just Wednesday. Who would have thought? I think I’ve been awake for around 40 hours.

I think this is the first time in almost a month that I got off work while the sun is still up. it’s a national holiday so the streets were almost empty. While the bus rushed through roxas boulevard, I noticed a photographer on the sidewalk. He was on one knee while he took pictures of my orange sky. I wouldn’t even have noticed the sunset if I hadn’t seen that photographer.

I wonder if his high tech camera lens can capture the sky as I see it. Or at least the way I used to. I tried to remember how it felt, seeing it for the first time. But I can’t remember much. Just that I was overwhelmed. Now… I find that it’s empty but still overwhelming.

The thing about sunsets and orange skies is that no painting or picture can ever be as beautiful… because you have to be there.


It’s just never what it is when you’re not there.


NP: masters of war : bob dylan
"And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand over your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead."

the simple life, honey

"I think there’s something very valuable in simplicity and our world is kind of going to the opposite end of that." ~ castro

Thanks for reminding me, dude.

NP: all the money or the simple life honey : dandy warhols
"So if you're playin' in a rock and roll band

But still you're doing whatever the man says

Well I can tell you for the money

The simple life honey is good

So get yourself into a ranch-style home

When the neighbor's never more than a stone's throw

Well I can tell you for the money

The simple life honey is good

That's right

Yes it's good"

brain dead

Where did I say I wanted to be again? Coz I forgot. For the life of me I can’t remember.

i think my brain is swollen and my head is ready to explode.

NP: Romeo and Juliet : The Killers
"Well, you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold

You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold

You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin

Now you just say, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you knowI used to have a scene with him"

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry

You said, "I love you like the stars above, "I love you till I die"

There's a place for us, you know the movie song

When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

I can't do the talk like the talk on the TV

And I can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be

I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you

Can't do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be

All I do is keep the beat, the bad company

And all I do is kiss you, through the bars of a rhyme

Juliet, I'd do the stars with you any time"

Beyond shrieking.

The past three weeks have been grueling to say the least. It was an overwhelming combination of mental, physical and emotional torture. To say that I’m drained and exhausted would be an understatement. I don’t don’t ever ever want to go through something like this ever ever again, ever.

But don’t get me wrong. i wanted to do this because I know that to get where I want to be, I have to go through this. I just wish the circumstances were a bit different and I didn’t have to learn and apply everything in such a short time. Well… gotta do what I gotta do… I have a goal and I know that I have to go through this to get where I want to be.

but in the past three weeks, I have to admit, I think I grew 5 years older. I feel like I’m ready for anything. And the nice thing about this, traumatic as it may have been, is that if faced with the same kind of situation (I hope not), I know I’ll make it. Not going to be easy, but I can definitely go through with it.

And it’s not that I didn’t have fun… I did. I just wish I didn’t have to give up so much in the process. I miss tascha. I miss the chubs. I miss kori (or ben). I miss my apartment. I miss my bed. I miss jingoy. I miss my friends. And as it seems, the story of my life, I miss my home.

When this started, I just wanted to go home and scream. Then I wanted to cry. Now, it’s gone beyond that. And it’s not even over yet.

NP: Never is a Promise: Fiona Apple
"You’ll say you’d never give up seeing eye to eye
You’ll say, don’t fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie

You’ll never hear the message I give
You’ll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in, you don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie"

mugged

I think I’m going to like this management training I have to take everyday after my regular shift. Well… I learn a lot. and the view is great.

You know how it is when you like someone and you get to talk to him and you’re so concerned you’ll say something dumb? Well, I said, “I love your mug”.

First: I don’t love it. I like it. a little. It’s nice, not amazing.

Second: it’s not even a mug. It’s a fucking tumbler.

Credit castrocopia for the facepalm.

Why do I have the feeling that despite having to be at work for 13 hours a day, I will go home with a silly smile on my face every night for weeks?

NP: Help Me : Joni Mitchell
"Help me
I think I'm falling
In love again
When I get that crazy
I know I'm in trouble again
I'm in trouble"

your what?

"she was my Halley's comet. But the universe is designed to break your heart, right?"
-- must love dogs

dork is the new seksi

Because work forces me to go to such entertaining sites such as the urbandictionary.com, I came across this geeky piece of information:

GEEK - One of four titles used to classify someone based on their technical and social skills. The other three titles are nerd, dork, and normie. The difference between the four titles can be easily shown in table form:

................ Technical ...... Social
Title ............ Skills ......... Skills
---------- ---------------- ------------
Normie ......... No ............. Yes
Geek ........... Yes ............. Yes
Nerd ............ Yes ............. No
Dork ............ No .............. No

Normie: A normal person. Blah.

Geek: An outwardly normal person who has taken the time to learn technical skills. Geeks have as normal a social life as anyone, and usually the only way to tell if someone is a geek is if they inform you of their skills.

Nerd: A socially awkward person who has learned technical skills due to the spare time they enjoy from being generally neglected. Their technical knowledge then leads normies to neglect them even further, leading to more development of their technical skills, more neglection, etc. This vicious cycle drives them even more into social oblivion.

Dork: A person who, although also socially awkward, doesn't have the intelligence to fill the void with technical pursuits, like a nerd, and is forced to do mindless activities. Almost always alone. Usually with an XBox. Like playing Halo. All day. Every day. Not even understanding how the Xbox is making the pretty pictures on the screen. Very sad.

"If you met me at a party, you would have no idea that I enjoy finite element analysis-based in viscid flow modeling using computational fluid dynamics. That's because I'm a geek. "

http://www.urbandictionary.com/

NP: lonesome tears : beck
"Lonesome tears
I can't cry them anymore
I can't think of what they're for
Oh they ruin me every time
But I'll try
To leave behind some days
These tears just can't erase
I don’t need them anymore
How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel
Lazy sun
Your eyes catch the light
With promises that might
Come true for awhile
Oh I'll ride
Farther than I should
Harder than I could
Just to meet you there"

a method to the madddness

Trust me, there is.

It’s just too complicated to lay out there for you. I am slowly trying to get things back on track so bear with me. And I am sorry if I have been unbelievably short tempered and irritable. I am just so tired. I just seem to have lost any shred of patience and tolerance over the past few weeks. Oh wait, has it been months? Anyway, I’m fixing that too… so…

I think I’m going to love my new job. It’s nice to work for a company that thrives on the basic goodness of people. Ironically, I wished to be assigned to the investigations department and I got my wish. I will be making sure that the people who investigate do their job right. Just how cool is that? Can you imagine how much power I have? Hahaha.

I’ve never used this laugh my whole life and I still probably shouldn’t … because it’s just not me and I know I wouldn’t be able to pull it off... but heck.

Bwahahahaha!!!111!!!!

Well, I better go… I have to gear up for my 13 hour a day work week. Oh. what. fun.

NP: home : foo fighters
"Wish I were with you
I couldn't stay
Every direction
Leads me away
Pray for tomorrow
But for today
All I want is to be home
Stand in the mirror
You look the same
Just lookin' for shelter
From cold and the pain
Someone to cover
Safe from the rain
Echoes and silence"

she's gone to the movies

There’s this song that I heard from the TV show “felicity” years ago that I really liked. I tried so find the song but those days it wasn’t so easy to find a song especially if you don’t know the title or the artist. So it just kinda slipped my mind. I think that song played (I’m not really sure) when Felicity finally jumped in the pool with Ben. If you know what I mean…

Then, probably 8 years later, it suddenly pops up on my iPod shuffle. Isn’t it amazing when things like that happen?

I am such lousy company these days, even I wouldn’t want to hang out with me. And for that, I apologize. I’ve just been really really tired. So many shit to take care of, it’s crazy. I guess this is what happens when you sleep all day for a month, huh? Ahh… makes me want to crawl back to bed and sleep for a month. Again.

Anyway, I am going to the spa later. And I’m getting the ultimate supreme feel good package. Kinda feel a bit guilty. But with the week I’ve had… I think it just about evens the field.

NP : she’s gone to the movies : semisonic

Now the rain comes down the windows and it

Drops onto the forehead of the waiting boy

He surveys his rental kingdom and he
Wonders if he's really lost his one joy

Another fool would go down to the

Only place she ever went to lose herself

She's gone to the movies now and she

Don't need your help

She's gone to the movies now and she's

Not coming home
She's gone to the movies now and she's

Not coming back

sweet little genius

I trained tascha how to sit!!! She’s so smart. I couldn’t be prouder. Before you know it that puppy will be doing math. Sweet little genius. Haha.

To my friends who drop by once in a while. I now have a doorbell. Please. Stop screaming at the gate and start pushing that tiny little button on the left side of the gate. it’s a bit obscured to keep the kids from ringing the bell 10x a day.

And to those asking for pictures of tascha. I will try to get some this weekend. I still have to borrow a camera coz my old one is still broken. I still haven’t gotten around to getting it fixed. And I’m lazy.

And I know that my home phone is not working. Globe is already working on it. i’m sorry if I seem to be out of touch. For some reason I just find it incredibly tiring to text. So much of an effort.

NP: para sa masa : eraserheads
mapapatawad mo ba ako
kung hindi ko sinunod ang gusto mo
pinilit kong iahon kangunit ayaw mo namang sumama
ito ay para sa mga masa
sa lahat ng binaon ng sistema
sa lahat ng fans ni sharon cuneta

life. and life only.

tascha is mad at me. She bit me and my thumb is bleeding. And while I can now eat, she has decided to stop eating. She hasn’t been eating well since she left. And I think she’s mad at me for giving her away and leaving her. she cried again when I left earlier. She always cries when I leave. I hate this.

Another chub chub died. I think they’re all fighting again coz one of them has a new egg. I should stop getting new pets. Seriously. I’m not good at this. at all.

NP: It’s Alright, Ma (I’m only bleeding): Bob Dylan
"Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?
And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only."

you know...

The one day training yesterday was a total waste of time. It was useless and pointless since all they did was tell everyone how much they know. I don’t see how all those things relate to my new job… and frankly, I didn’t learn anything new. I could have stayed in my apartment and slept all day and know the same things I knew after that freaking waste of MY time.

NP: All I Need : Radiohead
"I am all the days
That you choose to ignore
I'm a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all. It’s all."

Dark Knight

when they named the movie the dark knight, boy they weren’t kidding on the dark part. it was gritty and on the edge and by far the bleakest batman movie ever made. I think.

ledger was amazing as the joker. You keep looking for a person or a human being behind the make up, but you don’t see anything. Just a crazed lunatic. No rhyme, no reason. there is no doubt that this was the joker's movie. i'm not even going to say that the joker stole the movie. because he didn't. it was his.

The movie doesn’t make you breathe until the end. Coz life’s like that, I guess.. it doesn’t let you breathe until you’re way in over your head and you drown.

I think I have a new favorite joker. Hmm. Wait. No… it’s still a tie between nicholson and ledger. Oh, but ledger’s dead now. So he wins.

happiness is a warm puppy

Just how many of your favorite things can you fit in one day? Well, apparently… a LOT.

- My favorite day. overcast, a slight drizzle now and then.
- My favorite strip. Finally bought that peanuts book I wanted and another one.
- My favorite ice cream. Haagen Dazs tiramisu and vanilla caramel fudge. With…
- My favorite food – crunchy waffles.
- My favorite voice singing my favorite dylan song. I smile every time castro comes up on shuffle, especially when it’s mr tambourine man.
- my (new) favorite shirt. that vintage japanese sonic youth shirt i bought in boracay.

- my favorite 19 year old. he looks so much like my college crush. and not just his smile, but more so his demeanor. they both have that sweet and childish quality that endears them to everyone.
- my favorite super hero. Batman, the dark knight. so fucking good.

My favorite day.

NP: Mr Tambourine Man : Bob Dylan
“Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.”

you got to breathe

Well… I was trying to figure out what I want to eat today… as I think/hope I’ll finally have just a little of my hearty appetite now.... I was thinking maybe roast beef or pasta with meat sauce… then guess what plays on my ipod? “meat is murder” by the smiths. After hearing lyrics like, “It’s not natural, normal or kind. The flesh you so fancifully fry. The meat in your mouth, As you savour the flavour Of murder” with animal cries in the background… how could you?

Argh. And I was so looking forward to going to the grocery to get some real food now that I think I can start cooking and eating in my apartment again.

damn.


NP: Big Eyed Fish : Dave Matthews Band
“Story of a man,
Who decided not to breathe.
Turned red, purple, then blue.
Colorful indeed.
No matter how his friends begged,
Well, he would not concede,
And now hes dead.
You see, cause everybody knows,
You got to breathe.”

lost dog and tag

Well, tascha’s gone now… The apartment seems suddenly so empty. Sometimes I still expect to hear her slight whimper.

I think I lost her tag. I couldn’t find it and there aren’t too many places where I could have left it.

and… I still can’t eat. But, it’s only been like 4 hours since she left, so…

While I am glad not to have to wake up at 6am tomorrow to clean dog poop… I still miss her.

Tascha, you heartbreaker you.

NP: Someday Baby : Bob Dylan
When all else fails I'll make it a matter of self respect
I try to be friendly, I try to be kind
Now I'm gonna drive you from your home, just like I was driven from mine
Living this way ain't a natural thing to do
Why was I born to love you?
Someday baby, you ain't gonna worry po' me any more.

tangled up in blue

I should never be let loose inside a bookstore these days. I end up buying books I’m not going to be able to read in a year AND spending money I no longer have. And yet I keep adding to the stack of unread books lying in my apartment.

Among other books, I bought Ray Bradbury’s sequel to Dandelion Wine, Farewell Summer and Annie Proulx’s Bad Dirt. I just couldn’t resist it. Anyway, some of the books were on sale. That’s really not an excuse, I know.

And it just occurred to me that even after I’ve gone on several book-shopping sprees, I still haven’t bought that Charlie Brown/Snoopy book I’ve wanted for a long time. Crap.


I think I should stop listening to Dylan for awhile. Tascha is starting to think her dad mumbles a lot and is kicking ass with the harmonica.

She is leaving on Monday. I am pretty sure she’ll be loved and cared for in her new home. I’ve started to prepare her stuff (records, papers, etc) and it’s so sad…

I bought this for tascha back when I was going to build her a dog house and a play ground downstairs. The dog looked so much like her.






Ah tascha… the little happiness I couldn’t keep.



NP: tangled up in blue : bob Dylan
"And I was standin' on the side of the road
Rain fallin' on my shoes
Heading out for the East Coast
Lord knows I've paid some dues gettin' through,
Tangled up in blue."

Leave her alone! Goddamn you! Get out!

Haha. I like the title of this post. And also that it has nothing to do with anything.

So, I didn’t get the goblet. I got a mug.

And it turns out work wont start until (tentatively) the 21st. shit. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do till then.

Well… I can clean my house for starters… or... I don’t know. Stay in bed for one more week. I love my sleep.

Finally, I finished importing my Dylan albums. I thought I had all of them… but, according to the list in bobdylan.com, I don’t have the ones after 1990 and some other albums in between… but I’m getting there… they’re all on queue as I type this.

M wants us to go clubbing tomorrow night. I am really really not up for anything that requires me to get out of bed… much more dress up and travel for two hours to get drunk and dance. ah, but what are you gonna do?

I’ve been listening to Dylan the whole day… he sure is a poet.

Boots of Spanish Leather : Bob Dylan
“Oh, but if I had the stars from the darkest night
And the diamonds from the deepest ocean,
I'd forsake them all for your sweet kiss,
For that's all I'm wishin' to be ownin'.
That I might be gone a long time
And it's only that I'm askin',
Is there something I can send you to remember me by,
To make your time more easy passin'.
Oh, how can, how can you ask me again,
It only brings me sorrow.
The same thing I want from you today,
I would want again tomorrow.”

Ballad in Plain D : Bob Dylan
“All is gone, all is gone, admit it, take flight.
I gagged twice, doubled, tears blinding my sight.
My mind it was mangled, I ran into the night
Leaving all of love's ashes behind me.
The wind knocks my window, the room it is wet.
The words to say I'm sorry, I haven't found yet.
I think of her often and hope whoever she's met
Will be fully aware of how precious she is.”

straight up

I have to stop signing job offers if I don’t intend to actually get the job. At the rate I am going, I will be blacklisted from these companies and will probably regret it when and if the time comes that I am serious about working for them.

Anyway… I think I will be working for my previous company and I think work will start on Monday. I’m just not so sure yet and I’m still looking around.

In an effort to get my ass off my warm bed, M forced me to go with her yesterday. She is not the kind of person you reason with, because believe me, it is futile. So I went with her. Strange thing is that she gives really good relationship advice. Strange because she doesn’t come across as someone well versed in matters of the (broken) heart. And she always starts with … “ if you ask me” or “if you want my opinion…” which I find really amusing because with her, you really don’t have a choice. :)

We were supposed to get our social security ID’s but the capture machine wasn’t working… so we went to the mall and waited for her scheduled interview. I didn’t plan on applying at that company yet. But, I didn’t feel like going home so I gave my resume… and well… how do you answer the question, “what assurance do we have that this time, you’re not wasting our time again?” when you know that you are wasting their time, again? Hmmm…

My last shred of hope to keep tascha fell apart last night. I will miss her. She truly is my baby. Over the course of two weeks, I’m afraid that much like me, she has also learned to silently cry herself to sleep.

Well, right now, my only concern is if I should drink this chilled strawberry wine straight from the bottle or if I should get out of bed to get that giant goblet.

now, that channing tatum? one.hot.dude.

All things considered, I have an extended/special/deluxe now playing edition:

there is no if : the cure
"if you die" you said "so do i" you said...
And it starts the day you make the sign
"tell me I'm forever yours and you're forever mine
Forever mine... "

Remember the last time I told you I love you -
It was warm and safe in our perfect world –

"if you die" you said "so do i" you said
But it ends the day you understand
There is no if... just and
There is no if... just and
There is no if..."

going to california : led zeppelin
“I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
I’ll meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.
To find a queen without a king;
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.”

it doesn’t have to be that way : jim croce
“And the Christmas carols sound like blues,
But the choir is not to blame.
But it doesn't have to be that way.
What we had should never have ended.”

stop crying your heart out : oasis
“Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone”

two star : everything but the girl
“So it's not for me to say,
because I change my mind from day to day,
and when I look at you
I only see bits of myself anyway.
So go on, and stop listening to me.
Stop lisening to me.
And don't ask me what to say,
or to judge a life this way
when my own's in disarray.”

every grain of sand : bob dylan
“I hear the ancient footsteps like the motion of the sea
Sometimes I turn, there's someone there, other times it's only me.
I am hanging in the balance of the reality of man
Like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand.”


flowers in december : mazzy star
"Before I let you down again
I just want to see you in your eyes
I would have taken everything out on you
I only thought you could understand

They say everyman goes blind in his heart
And they say everybody steals somebody's heart away
And I got nothing more to say about it
Nothing more than you would me

Send me your flowers, of your december
Send me your dreams, of your candy wine
I got just one thing I cant give you
Just one more thing of mine

They say everyman goes blind in his heart
They say everybody steals somebodys heart away
And Ive been wondering why you let me down
And I been taking it all for granted."

oh, fuck.

You’re a good man, Charlie Brown

Now that I’ve got that out…

what do I do on a slow Saturday morning? Hmmm… despite the pile of housework that I still refuse to do, I think I’m just going to stay in bed and read today. My legs feel like jelly and it’s a Saturday. I don’t work on weekends. No matter what. Ha.

Anyway… it’s time you meet my favorite underachiever.
Charlie Brown wins your heart with his losing ways. It always rains on his parade, his baseball game, and his life. He's an inveterate worrier who frets over trifles (but who's to say they're trifles?). Although he is concerned with the true meaning of life, his friends sometimes call him "blockhead." Other than his knack for putting himself down, there are few sharp edges of wit in his repertoire; usually he's the butt of the joke, not the joker. He can be spotted a mile away in his sweater with the zig zag trim, head down, hands in pocket, headed for Lucy's psychiatric booth. He is considerate, friendly and polite and we love him knowing that he'll never win a baseball game or the heart of the little red-haired girl, kick the football Lucy is holding or fly a kite successfully. His friends call him "wishy-washy," but his spirit will never give up in his quest to triumph over adversity. (snoopy.com)

R went over last night and brought over a bag of Doritos and a cinnamon loaf. She doesn’t know it, but she just fed me for a week. I have the greatest friends.

chicken shit

AWWWWW!!!

My face hurts. And my stomach hurts like a motherf*%ker. And that is putting it mildly. Excuse the profanity but I find it really really really comforting to throw around expletives when I am stark raving mad.

This is what happens when you withhold the truth from a friend, the same truth she’s repeatedly asked from you for years. She harbors an unreasonable amount of hate.

Snoopy.com is not working. It hasn’t been working since last night. there’s this strip I’ve been looking for where Charlie Brown says every child should have been issued with a dog and a banjo. And I can’t find it anywhere. I need my daily Charlie Brown strip, dammet!!!
Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit. - (it's called a br... yep i'm reading that book again. )

Ok, so here goes… you can all scream, “I told you so!!!” and feel free to raise an eyebrow, hit me with a jackhammer, add some adjectives, heck you can even throw in a profanity or two. I would humbly take it because I f@%king deserve it.

Anyway… I’ve done this before and I’m toughing it out. Don’t think I’m giving up. I’ve seen a lot of battles in my life and I have learned to choose which ones I fight and which ones just aren’t worth it.

So… I’m bringing out the troops. I have a bottle of tequila and half a bottle of strawberry wine left. Plus… I am willing to shell out a considerable amount of cash for vodka or/and red wine.

Meanwhile, I will drown my sorrows in the bowels of castrocopia where tour videos, love of the castropantz and profanity abound.

NP: walk on water : aerosmith
"I never seen a smile that looked so sad
A yeah... you make me feel so good 'cause you're so bad
Hey little darlin'
Your love is legendary
Love's four letters
Ain't in my dictionary"

around the bend

My mind is a mangled mess. And whatever decisions I have to make… I’m just not. How are you supposed to decide on the thing that gives you so much joy yet brings you so much pain?

The weather has been drab the past few days and now I am under it.

It’s been so stressful here at the apartment the past few days that I had to go out just to breathe and think. and if I can’t be comfortable in my own home then there’s really not much left for me. I used to be able to take refuge in my little apartment. and if I want fresh air, I would just go outside and walk until I reach that park in front of the church. I would always end up there, sitting on the last pew, silently praying, sometimes, even crying for help. But all that’s gone now.

Anyway, I tried to relieve the stress by shopping for a pair of shoes. I made a little rule though. I can only buy a sensible pair. One that I can wear to work. (meaning I can wear them for about 8 hours) One that I can actually walk in. (meaning, no stilettos, no heels more than 2 inches). One that goes with my clothes (no purple, bright red or apple green pairs).

So I bought a book instead. Sensible shoes are mostly ugly. Who wants to buy ugly shoes?

I bought “Unless” by Carol Shields, the Pulitzer Prize winning author of The Stone Diaries. I don’t know why I bought the book. I haven’t heard of Carol Shields or her books before. But I am guessing that this will be a good read based on the reviews. and I just needed to buy something anyway.

With the number of books I currently have on queue, It’ll probably be a year before I get to read this.

I am stalling. I know. Crap. Not even Castro or Dylan can alleviate me from this dilemma. Again… what the hell have I gotten myself into?!

NP: Around the Bend : Pearl Jam
“off you dream, my little child
there's a sun around the bend
all the evenings close like this
all these moments that i've missed
please forgive me, won't you, dear?
please forgive and let me share...
with you around the bend”

not so fresh start

I keep forgetting this. I signed the job offer from my old office. Same company, different account. Ergo: same shit, different day. I signed because I didn’t have much of a choice. I signed, knowing this job is going to be just as vulnerable as the previous one. I need work and I haven’t been getting any good job offers. Heck, there aren’t really a lot of available jobs out there.

Anyway, it’s still kind of a fresh start. I only wished my fresh start was somewhere nearer and not two hours away from home. The daily commute kills me.

Tentatively, I have a week till the new job starts. Hmm… somehow, this “time off” has gone awfully awry. I am freaking tired and I think I’m going down with something. I’ve got a nasty headache and my throat hurts.

All the anxiety of the past few days made me appreciate jingoy even more… jingoy. My cuddly, low maintenance and funny teddy bear.

Me and jingoy in bittersweet times.

NP: Jimi Thing : Dave Matthews Band
“Lately I've been feeling low
A remedy is what I'm seeking
I take a taste of what's mellow
Come away to something better
What I want is what I've not got
But what I need is all around me
I reach and search and never stop
And I'll say...
If you could keep me floating just for a while
'Til I get to the end of this tunnel called... Jimi”

spot trainer

Know what I like? Surprises. Like when a friend dropped by to say hi at around 10:30 last night coz he just happened to be in the neighborhood. I thought that was sweet.

Well, it turns out that the new fan I bought wasn’t missing a part. The manual was just useless and I didn’t screw the blade right. Ha. All that screaming at the lousy customer service rep for nothing. Tee. Hee.

I’m not sure if I should start putting up ads for possible homes for tascha or if I should wait this out a little bit. And, I just want to be clear on this one… it’s not just the poop cleaning I’m having such a hard time with… it’s me, being scared. That’s the main thing. So, like the overly abused break up line, it’s not you tascha, it’s me. I have to work on my inner demons and you deserve better… and incidentally, this time with tascha, no truer break up lines were ever said.

Should I wait it out, send her to dog boarding school then if it still doesn’t work out then I’ll start looking for new owners? And while she’s at dog school, I’ll mentally prepare for what’s to come? Or… should I start looking for someone who’ll take her while she’s still just three months old… save myself a lot of dough for the dog boarding school, cut off all this emotional trouble, asap?

R went over today to go through my CDs and suggested that maybe I can get someone to help me with tascha and the apartment, full time. I am not sure about this yet. But I’m willing to look further into this option.

Although, right now… I am still convinced that I can’t live with a dog, with or without a full time dog sitter. I simply can’t have one. I haven’t posted an ad for tascha yet. But I am pretty convinced that unless some sort of divine intervention comes along, I am giving her up.

and I know You know, but it wouldn’t hurt to say it… I am kind of waiting.

NP: the sky is broken : moby
"See the storm is broken
In the middle of the night
Nothing left here for me
It's washed away"

fail and shake

I know I said this just a few hours ago, “But I’m not giving up. So bear with me, tasch. I’m learning as I go.” But now… I don’t know.

I think I may have to let her go. I can’t constantly be agitated like this. I haven’t slept well or had more than a meal each day since I got her. I’m all for the losing weight part, but this isn’t healthy, even for me. And I’m pretty loose on my health standards so, coming from me, that’s saying a lot.

And I am shaking right now. Like literally shaking. This can’t be right.

Badfish : Sublime
“When you grab a hold of me
Tell me that I'll never be set free
But I'm a parasite creep and crawl I step into the night.”

blades a-flyin', sinks a sinkin'

I haven’t posted pictures of tascha because my camera is not working and I can’t take a good picture using my phone coz she keeps moving… and my phone camera can’t keep up. Speaking of those who can’t keep up...

I am sooooo tired. Cleaning dog poo sure takes a whole lot of my time. Being scared 24 hours a day sure is tiring. Not to mention nasty to my tummy.

Tascha, now, she is a handful. She is as feisty as I am terrified. But now my fear is twofold. One, I’m still scared of dogs. That includes tascha, although I can now touch and carry her. Two, whenever I’m not home I fear something bad will happen to her. i don’t want to leave her alone in my apartment, but I have no choice sometimes. There are a lot of errands to run and even more work to be done. When I’m not home with her (even if I have someone puppy sitting) I worry.

Whether I’m watching a movie, grocery shopping, or out drinking with my friends, my mind wanders to tascha, hoping she’s happy and safe. and I don’t like this. I don’t like worrying.

The only thing I fear more than a stuffed dog is a dead one. I think I will instantly faint if I ever saw one.

People tell me that it’s just hard now because she’s still a puppy but once she grows up, it wouldn’t be so hard to have her around. Right now, she needs constant care and attention and I don’t even know if I can make it till she’s three months old and ready for Dog Boarding School. (how can seven lousy days go by so so so sloooow???)

It’s been like 3 days since I brought her home, and honestly, it feels like it’s been a month. This is supposed to be my rest and relaxation time. Time to sort the crooked and haywire parts of my life. And waking up at 5am to clean dog poop is not part of that. Well, it wasn’t. now it is. Damn.

There are times when I just want to go online and post an ad for a three month old shih tzu with 21 red marks and 5 green marks on her paper.

It’s almost like I adopted a baby. I know… I know. having a baby is a million times more serious than getting a puppy and I have very little knowledge in infant care but sometimes, I feel like it would have been a bit less stressful for me. Well, first, I’m not scared of babies. I love them and I don’t have a nagging fear whenever they are around. Second, I won’t have to worry too much about leaving the baby, because you can take your baby to malls, restaurants and groceries. And third, at least I won’t have to justify getting a baby sitter as opposed to getting a dog sitter.

See, I am not ready for this. Clearly. I lived a really carefree albeit selfish life for over two years now and I really like it. I live for myself and I’m responsible for no one. It’s actually kinda fun…

I swear. me and tascha, we are the worst pair in canine/human history.

But I’m not giving up. So bear with me, tasch. I’m learning as I go.

Now, before I am forced to change the name of this blog to “ivy gets a puppy”…

I lost another turtle. Shit. I got two turtles as a birthday gift (because I lost the ones I had before) and now, I lost one again! I hope it’s in the backyard, slowly wandering. I’m having the backyard mowed and weaned tomorrow. I hope we find my turtle.

I bought a new fan yesterday. The blade almost flew off the base to chop my head off. Ahh. Me and my near misses… it turns out that it’s missing a part. Duh. The one that secures the blade to the motor shaft.

Go figure.

Aaaaaaaaand….

My bathroom sink fell off. It just did. And it’s sitting on my toilet as I write this. I won’t post pictures of that coz… even though I hardly get embarrassed, this one is quite mortifying. I’ll leave that to your imagination.

And go wild.


NP: wrong way : sublime
"Don't run away if you wanna stay
Cuz I ain't here to make ya..."

ready or not, ivy. ready or not.

You guys will have to start making a decision and you’ll have to stand by it. Because a girl’s got to know. One moment you persuade me to get a puppy and then the next minute, you tell me not to because I’m ill equipped… (i.e. I’m scared of them and I can’t hold them.) Your indecision doesn’t help me at all…

You tell me the demands of a puppy, then you convince me to get one, but you never offer to help out. And to top it off, you keep looking for puppy ads and you keep calling to give me updates on the puppy hunt.

Make up your mind already. you know i can't read between the lines.

You tell me I will totally love the puppy but it will be miserable under my care and I’ll just probably put it up for adoption after a few months. then you send me researched articles about dogs and which breed is right for me and send me cute dog pictures like this:

And… just when I’ve decided not to get one, you show up at my door step telling me to go get dressed coz we’re seeing a breeder. What the hell?

So… anyway, meet tascha. My rascal of a shih tzu. I didn’t choose her. I didn’t even decide on getting her. She picked me. And she decided that she was going home with me.

well, brace yourself, tascha. you have no idea what you got us into.

(No picture of tascha yet. Will post asap.)

puppy lurv...

So, in the midst of all these chaos, I decided I want a dog. A Shih Tzu puppy. Now, the tricky part is I am scared shit of dogs. I have been as far back as I can remember. I am even scared of toy dogs, and I don’t mean a certain class of small dogs, but dogs that aren’t real. Dogs that don’t breathe and bite and pee.

So, why in the world do I want a dog? I don’t know. I just want one. I want one so bad, it’s driven me to tears when I realized that I can’t have a dog just yet. I am not ready to have a dog. And not just because I’m scared of dogs… I don’t think I’m ready for the responsibility, based on things I’ve heard and read about taking care of puppies. Like, that I’ll have to comb my puppy’s coat every day. Heck, I don’t even comb my hair everyday. And that my apartment will smell… and that I’ll have to clean after them…

But I really want one. And i really don’t know why. Do people really have to have a reason for wanting a puppy except that they just want one? I really don’t know if i want a puppy for the right reasons. I’m really new to all these, you see.

I actually have plans for the puppy. I will gate my pad to make sure that the pup won’t fall off the balusters to the stairs. I will also get a cage for her as her sleeping quarter. And she will have the most amazing play area at the garage downstairs. She will go to dog boarding school for a month to learn basic obedience training and so that I can get some training too on how to handle a dog. See, I have big, huge plans for this puppy.

Yet, I’m scared that I won’t be able to take care of her. I’m scared that what I have to offer won’t be enough. I live alone and I have to work. As it is, life can be too much sometimes… and right now, I’m still just catching up… so I guess I’ll have to put off getting a puppy for maybe a couple of weeks at least. But the shit is, I might have to start going to work in a week or two… which leaves me no time to actually get acquainted to the puppy before I have to leave her for at least 9 hours a day… alone. I’m no dog expert, and even though they said that I can leave a shih tzu alone in the house while I work, I still think that it’s a bit cruel to leave a little puppy by herself for that long a time.

Geeze… what to do… what to do…

And just as i was convinced that I can take care of one, a storm comes to shatter my confidence. Hmm… it was just a stupid storm. If I expect to take care of my own puppy, I should be able to go through a freaking storm with little tears and so much grace. Ah, but there I was, wide awake and crying alone while the storm raged outside.

I want a puppy so much. But I also want that puppy to have the best home she can have. And if I can’t give that… maybe I shouldn’t even be calling breeders and asking for appointments.

Then… I guess I’m not getting a puppy. At least not yet.

Okay… so maybe this is what I can do… after I finish cleaning up my apartment, and I mean finish, like everything clean, including the attic and the yard downstairs, I will set up the aquarium for my turtles then I will start calling breeders and I will start putting up puppy gates in my house. I think, maybe that is a good plan.

Oh, I have to start looking for a new job as well. Hah. Almost forgot about that.

NP: Cold Cold Heart : Nora Jones

"Why cant I free your doubtful mind

and melt your cold cold heart?"

bedlam!

I turned 29, lost my job, found another job and decided that I want to have a puppy all in a span of one week. This is kinda frenzied, even for me.

I love houses, which is why I took Architecture in the first place. I treasure the idea of living in a nice, quiet, little house. I love designing it (in my head, because I can’t draw to save my life). And I love staying in my apartment the whole day, just spending time with my parakeets and turtles. I love cooking. I love eating in front of the TV. I love having the stereo on full blast while I clean my apartment, rearrange my furniture and sing with, well, wild abandon. I love shopping for things for my apartment: new curtains, rugs, candles, paintings, and maybe a new table. I love grocery shopping and filling my fridge with chocolates and fruits. I love reading a good book while it rains outside and there’s only enough light in the room to read the words…

It has been roughly 8 months since I moved to this new apartment. There I was, single, busy and hopeful. I was hoping to start anew and well… just glad to be out of the cramped apartment with a ceiling that leaks. I stayed a year too long there, I think. Or maybe I stayed five years too long there, I don’t know. (well, that’s a whole new blog altogether. Haha.)

Well, very little progress has since been made towards the improvement of my new apartment. there was work, and the holidays, then I went on a lot of trips… hongkong, macao, coron, boracay, bohol, then boracay again… then there’s also the slight misfortune of me constantly getting sick, which confines me to bed for a whole week sometimes. And of course, there’s you know, life… which happens… and has left me with this:

I think I have bit of a wiring problem. how did I end up like this? And how the hell do I untangle this mess? Wires first. Then me.

What? Who? me? Trashy? This isn’t even half of my garbage problem, but all the rest is just too embarrassing and gross to post here.

Clear cache. Please. This is half of the cd’s/dvd’s I have yet to sort/watch/listen to. My best friend is coming over sometime next week to borrow some of my cd’s to import to her iPod. Well, I wish both us luck.

Ivy, you’re so vain. this shows just how much or how little I care about how I look. I’ll leave you to decide. Which reminds me, I have to buy a real mirror.

Culture shock. This is the top of my dresser. I don’t even know what to say.

sweet attic dreams. When I moved in November of last year I had high hopes for this room. I imagined a really nice home theatre system. A huge TV. My dvds neatly stacked and arranged alphabetically. And maybe on weekends I’ll have some people over for movies or video games and popcorn and cold beer. Now, eight months later… this is just sad. I’m almost sorry. Ha.

Skeletons and boxing gloves in my closet. oh and yeah, some clothes too. This also reminds me that I haven’t used my iron since January, when I attended that wedding.

Minus ears. This is my bedside table. And yes. That is a blue plastic cat with a propeller on top of his head. That’s Doraemon and I love him. And yes, he flies.

the bedlam that is where I sleep. That’s jingoy and mr wizard. and I just realized how deep in shit I am right now.

For what it’s worth, I would like to stress that I am not a slob. This is not joe’s apartment. It may be hard to believe but there aren’t any bugs in my pink little pad. There aren’t any cockroaches, ants or rodents. Although I think some spiders started to migrate in my terrace the past month. and my apartment smells of apples.

So here it is, my rented life. Living in single domestic chaos.