i v y

the year that was

2012-01-02T10:58:00.001+08:00

amnesia

2011-10-05T07:11:00.001+08:00

lesson #1 : unless you want to stay wide awake until 3am, do not drink coffee at night.
lesson #2 : it's stupid to expect different results if you keep doing the same things.
lesson #3 : when it's time, it's time. ready or not.
lesson #4 : the things that run through your mind from 1am onwards are not true/reliable/accurate. do not believe them. especially when you start to think you suffer from amnesia, instead of insomnia.
lesson #5 : next time, do yourself a favor and take a pill when the clock strikes 12.

fortunate accident

2011-10-02T12:57:00.002+08:00

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

-- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

super saturday! :D

2011-09-17T07:41:00.001+08:00

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

Cheese

2011-09-14T22:43:00.000+08:00

I think I’ve forgotten how to do this. After such a long time of writing nothing but business letters and reading guidelines, business proposals and contracts, I have decided that things definitely should change. I have known this for a long time and denied it even longer. The disconnect was just so palpable you start to feel like a lost robot. Note: a lost robot. But the time comes when you can't ignore the signs anymore and you have to take that leap of faith otherwise, you'll drown.

I tried, too hard, at times to get back on track. But it just wasn’t working. I was doing all the wrong things and taking all the wrong turns at the worst times.

But out of nowhere... things... small things just start to... happen.

The killer training session for our 16k run was breathtaking in more ways that one. The moon hung low and the clouds danced lazily against the black velvet sky. I was so surprised to see so many stars in the middle of the city. There was a slight breeze that reminded you that Christmas is just around the corner. And, well... the sad Christmas song playing from the track’s PA system was kind of a dead give-away.

It was literally a breath of fresh air that somewhere in the middle of the city, in the middle of the week, I can lie in the middle of the field, look up at the stars and smell freshly cut grass.

Music swelled in the background, building up to that moment when Boy and Girl meet in the middle of the field, both trying to catch their breath. Because they had to run to each other; because they suddenly realized that they’ve been in love with the other for the longest time; that they’re meant to be.

MFEO = Made for each other. My ass.

They realized what they've been looking for and waiting for all their lives is right in front of them and they can't ignore or hide that fact anymore. Because in this taken-straight-from-a-rom-com scene, they realize that they just have to be together at the exact same time the stadium lights go off. And he just has to kiss her. Just at the exact same time the sprinklers go off and soak them to their tingly bones.

Still looking up at the sky, watching the faint twinkle of the stars, I told my friend that I hope to see a shooting star, so I can wish that for myself too. We broke into fits of laughter at the hilarity of that scene, of me, as the girl in that scene. Of how it seemed so unlikely. So uncharacteristically not me.

Okay, maybe not the cheesy, music-swelling-in-the-background part. Just the part where they both realize what everyone else has been saying, that they're it. They're meant to be. MFEO. My ass.

I took one last look at the almost deserted track, smiled to myself and left.

They dropped me off at the spa. I needed a massage, desperately.

Like some sort of a small miracle, that grave disconnect I’ve been feeling for the longest time seemed to have gone away. It was as if the masseuse turned off a switch or something. I prayed for my friend to win that photo contest. Just a simple, “I hope my friend wins.” And for the first time in a really really long time, I felt like I was really being heard. That someone is really listening to my prayer and understands my heart. It's the best feeling in the world.

There was such poignancy in that night. Like a moment where nothing goes right yet everything feels right.

Which brings me
Here.
Back and hopeful.
Again.

letters to a young poet...

2011-09-06T00:02:00.001+08:00

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

it's mine, anyway.

2011-07-16T12:32:00.001+08:00

Sometimes even if you know its a mistake, you have to make it anyway to really know its a mistake...

some kind of a maybe

2011-07-13T00:44:00.000+08:00

"I've become a real believer in not defining every single thing. Seems like every time you think you've figured out what something is, it just becomes something else." - Sally

make a wish...

2011-06-15T22:49:00.010+08:00

sometimes, i wish for rain. sometimes, i get just that and it's amazing.
other times, i get cloudy skies instead, which is also nice. sometimes, i get more than i bargained for, raging wind, and all. but there are times when i get sunshine. clear blue skies, bright sunshine.
and you know what? sometimes, it's just what i need.

my blind side

2011-04-24T15:01:00.000+08:00

probably the best part of my four day Easter weekend is watching The Blind Side. Michael's story is amazing. I almost forgot that there are still genuinely good people in the world. just really good people... anyway, there was that part in the movie where he had to write this essay on Tennyson's The Charge of the Light Brigade"...

“Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or a mistake, but you’re not supposed to question adults, or your coach, or your teacher because they make the rules. Maybe they know best but maybe they don’t. It all depends on who you are, where you come from. Didn’t at least one of the six hundred guys think about giving up and joining with the other side? I mean, Valley of Death, that’s pretty salty stuff. That’s why courage is tricky. Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you’re doing something. I mean, any fool can have courage. But honor, that’s the real reason you either do something or you don’t. It’s who you want to be. If you die trying for something important then you have both honor and courage and that’s pretty good. I think that’s what the writer was saying; that you should try for courage and hope for honor. And maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some, too.”

overheard somewhere...

2011-02-20T21:50:00.002+08:00

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life

multiple choice

2010-11-14T21:32:00.001+08:00

For a few months now, a question has been nagging my friend's overly imaginative and earnest minds. I didn't bother give it a thought because, really, there was no reason to choose. I circled at the possibility and was entertained by the potential. But, really. Whether I choose A, B or C didn't matter... I felt that it was not up to me anyway. But yesterday, while I was trying to arrange my clothes scattered on the floor, I suddenly decided. I choose D. not D of my bittersweet childhood. But D for none of the above.

Stop that woman!

2010-11-07T21:03:00.002+08:00

Some people eat when stressed. Some scream or punch the living daylights out of something. Others exercise. I shop. There was a turn of events last Friday. Our trip to Malaysia is pushing through after all. And I have an interview for the new job next week. Things seem to looking up. But still stressful. Crazy stressful. Stomach crunching, vomit inducing, head spinning stressful.

The plan was to monitor the Men's Health Urbanathlon (yeah I have the best job in the world ;)), visit mom's grave, drop by the doctor's and swing by the office to do some paper work.

Well that was the plan. This is what happened.

After I spent my bonus and maxed out my credit card, I settled down at a café. As I was waiting for my order to come, I looked at the bags. The bag with my brand new Oakley shades looked back at me and smiled. “Happy holidays!”, it said. A warm smile spread across my flushed face and I felt warm all over. I deserve this, I thought. This is how it's supposed to be. Then my order came and it was amazing.

Life is amazing. I know the bills will come to haunt me in a few months, but for now, I am ecstatic. Warm all over. :)
There’s just so much to look forward to.

flowers for mom

2010-11-07T20:34:00.000+08:00

I went to the cemetery this morning to visit my mom’s grave. The cemetery was nearly empty save for some kids playing at a distance and a handful of guys cleaning up what’s left off the previous week. I miscalculated the time and arrived there at around 10 am, it was especially humid. And 5 minutes under the scorching sun, I started feeling dizzy.

It’s no fun passing out in the cemetery. It creeps everyone out.

NP : Last Kiss : Pearl Jam

The List (continued) from the doctor's office

2010-11-04T11:56:00.000+08:00

~~- get the pair of Mizuno crusaders I won.~~ finally got them and planned to test drive it at the hsbc run but, of course, i lost my race bid. wth?!

It's my second (or third - I can't remember) visit to the doc for my dizziness and fatigue. Of course the first time I went here I conveniently did not tell my doc that I recently did this

and shortly after, I started feeling sea sick.

This is definitely not my day. Well, yesterday wasn't my day either. First, we found out that our trip to Malaysia has been cancelled. Well, they said postponed for a trip to (maybe) Singapore early next year. But it feels really cancelled and we'll have to do the planning session somewhere within the country. Sucks. In hindsight, it might be because the doc said I should avoid air travel for the meantime. i hate it that even the cancellation of this trip is supposedly for my good. Crap.

It's Thursday, and so far the week has been a major disaster. Should I be bold and declare that this is definitely not my week?

The List

2010-11-02T21:27:00.006+08:00

I was going to make a list of all the things I had to do and cross them out one by one. I was arguing with myself in my mind how to prioritize things. But my laptop's keyboard intermittently presses the ";" key in it's own will. And I find it too annoying.

And even before I get to post this, I know I would have crossed out some of them (hopefully) OR not.

- ~~get a new battery for my laptop~~ (this I actually accomplished before I even wrote this, otherwise I wouldn't be able to write this, but I want to include this to add to the things I've crossed out, because I simply like crossing things out.)
- get rid of my vertigo or whatever the hell it is that makes me dizzy. And find out why I am always Sooo tired. I think this isn't just stress, I think there's a medical explanation for this.
- have my laptop keyboard repaired.
- get a new pair of cheap glasses. I specified cheap because I only ever use it at home and tascha keeps chewing on my glasses, it doesn't make sense for me to get really nice ones.
- replace bulbs in the living room
- get plumbing done in the bathroom
- finally get a closet
- get a new bed
- get a desk, heck, renovate bedroom
- renovate living/dining room
- bathe tascha
- update tascha's vaccines
- sync iPhone
- fix other phone
- get a car.

I think this about sums up the priority things for me right now. There are a gazillion other things waiting to be done but if I list them all, nothing will ever get done. Now if only I can sleep.

Halloween

2010-10-30T22:11:00.005+08:00

"It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving."~ Mother Teresa

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who stays. When everyone else washes their hands clean, I'm the one left to pick up the pieces. It can get tiring sometimes. Or always. But you get a new surge of energy, a certain drive whenever you remember that you're doing all this out of sheer love. and then you're okay again.

dive in

2010-10-21T22:38:00.002+08:00

I keep trying to pinpoint the moment when everything went a tad askew, but every time I try to, it’s either I fall asleep or something happens that messes things up a bit more and I have to get up and manage it a bit. But anyway, I think it was sometime after my Aunt went back to TX. I think it all started when I woke up in the middle of the night from so much pain in my right wrist. Yeah. I think it started with that.

Then I lost all the contents of my ipod. All of them. I mean all of them. It was pretty much every digital file I had. Some were files I’ve had as early as 1994. All the pictures were there. All of them. Then I went surfing and broke my iphone and crushed on a boy 10 years my junior. Yeah, I think that was the start of my descent.

It’s not like where I am right now is so bad… it’s just really really disorganized. My thoughts are floating around, I’m trying, constantly, to catch up on things and my right wrist still hurts.

Five months after that fateful summer, I can still feel the aftermath in my everyday life. But, I am determined to put everything in their rightful places and put some order amidst all the chaos. AND work on certain aspects of my life I know I have gravely neglected over the past months. Maybe even years.

Wow. I think I’m even excited.

Oh, and I just have to say this, but nothing beats sleeping in your own bed.

Dive In : Dave Matthews Band

Wake up sleepy head
I think the sun's a little brighter today
Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising...
Summers here to stay, and all those summer games will last forever
Go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean.

Tell me everything will be OK if I just stay on my knees and keep praying
believing in something
Tell me everything is all taken care of by those qualified to take care of it all.

Wake up sleepy head
I think the sun's a little brighter today

summer in october. or not.

2010-10-19T19:29:00.002+08:00

I think I need to rest. Not rest like go on an adventure far away. But just rest. Stay at home and not worry about anything. Sleep late. Watch senseless tv. Laugh my head off. Eat like there’s no tomorrow and sleep. Rest with wild abandon.

I’ve always kinda loved airplanes and… yes, even airports. Somehow, I felt like it was a gateway to escape; to unknown adventures; to new possibilities. But I think at a given amount of time you spend in them, you get tired and you just wish you can go home. I think I got to that point sometime between Tagbilaran and Manila.

I’ve never wanted to be home as much as I did when we were in Cheron island. After camping in Zambales last year, I swore that once was enough and I would not do that again if I can help it. When my cousin said that we were going to be the first guests at the island and the facilities will be ok when we get there, I thought, well… maybe there wouldn’t be any curtains; or some windows will be missing; or a faucet or two might not work; or there wouldn’t be any hot water; or maybe there wouldn’t be any water in the pool.

So. imagine my surprise when we got there. First, there was no running water. And there was no air conditioning. There was no running water!!! I was a little brave, and unbelievably exhausted from the early flights, from running around everywhere and the scary and bumpy boat ride to the island. I didn’t cry myself to sleep this time. And I didn’t even have to drink at all. I guess I’m growing up a little, huh?

The trip was cut short because of bad weather. By bad weather, I mean a super typhoon. The boat broke while we were negotiating the horrendous waves. I was already thinking of an escape plan. How was I going to swim to the nearest island and still save my laptop and phone? How many minutes or seconds do I have before sharks smell the blood dripping from me and devour my legs?

Luckily, we didn’t have to swim or try to stay afloat while holding our laptops and cameras over our heads. We made it to the hotel at the mainland just in time, drenched but alive nonetheless.

The hotel was a welcome balm, knowing that the flight back home is just around the corner. Or so we all thought. Everything seemed to be going as planned on our way to the airport. We were all looking forward to all the comfort Manila would bring, that was until our flight was cancelled.

I am unbelievably exhausted. I mean, I just feel drained. And I look at myself in the mirror and I can see the exhaustion all over me. I am just tired, in every way a person can be tired.

I think I need to stay grounded for a while. No more long road trips and flights and adventures for a while. I think I just need to be home. No one in the world needs to go home as much as I do now.

how

2010-07-05T00:13:00.002+08:00

do you celebrate someone's victory when you know you're not part of it?

high and dry

2010-05-10T22:48:00.001+08:00

I used to wonder what’ll take me to finally take the time to sort things out in my head. Well... I learned that it takes more than a few nights of no internet, no phone, no waves, no TV, no earphones and no booze. I have had enough time, but not enough will power to do this.

My clock says it’s almost 11pm… I think I’ll go to sleep now.

tgif wtf

2010-03-05T00:35:00.001+08:00

When I got my job 11 months ago and slowly settled and got used to the frenzied phase, I thought the lack of financial fulfillment was going to be my biggest concern. 11 months later, I learned that that would be… well… in the top three of my concerns. I didn’t think that burn out and mis direction would be my concerns. It sucks that I’m seriously thinking about quitting a job that I love. it’s just that lately, there’s just been a whole lot of that going on. Not the love part, but the job part. In fact, I feel that there’s been way too much of it, it’s not healthy anymore.

I feel and I know that if I continue like this, it’s either I end up a poor, bitter, hypertensive bitch or I die. Either way, it doesn’t look good.

But I love my job, and I can’t imagine doing anything else. But… this isn’t right. And it’s come to the point where I’m not sure if it’s still worth it. I’m not sure if this is something I want to fight for.

And once again, I’m tired.

butterflies

2010-03-01T23:20:00.001+08:00

From my mother’s side of the family, there are three of us, girls who were born just months apart in the same year. One of us got married last year. And the other is getting married on Saturday. i haven’t seen my relatives in a long time, but I already feel them breathing down my neck, telling me that I should get married. Soon.

I promised myself years ago that I will marry only for love. I will never let anyone or anything pressure me into getting married. i grew up fearing marriage, the idea that I’ll be stuck/ caged in/ tied to someone or something for the rest of my life just plain terrifies me. And we all know what happened when I finally succumbed to that idea. I guess it’s just fitting that I do myself that favor and stick to my promise. Ok. Ok. Ok. So maybe I am still terrified. but I think these days, although I am scared of making the biggest mistake of my life, there’s also that fear of having to spend my life alone. Which is also scary.

But I guess right now, I have a lot of other things to take care of. Like fixing my schedule to fit everything. I need a break. A long, luxurious, break.

lazy suzy

2010-02-28T10:58:00.002+08:00

Work seems to have taken over my life the past month. And it’s only bound to get worse this March. I get mild panic attacks whenever I remember the insurmountable things I have to deal with at work this coming march. The fire brigade competition, the newsletter, the earth hour celebration… I get light headed whenever I think about it. I want to go to the beach! And relax! And sip mango shake! And read a book! Under the sun!

I can’t believe how crazy February has been. There was the condura run, which I will later on learn was a breeze in comparison to the next events. the century run, which attracted over 11,000 runners, was a great success, in my opinion. There are a lot of people who would say otherwise, but for me, it was a success. Everyone had their own experience at the run, and although a lot of people had an amazing time, we only usually hear from the ones who didn’t. this is especially true when it comes to event organizing. The event may be a raging success, but there will be one or two who will be unhappy for one reason or another.

I love my job. And although the Saturday before the big event, I was crying inside a rest room cubicle because I couldn’t locate a supplier ; and I was only able to relax and enjoy the run an hour after the height of the event and almost everyone has gone home. I am still thankful that my job gives me such amazing highs.

I am also thankful for the breather this weekend. A weekend without work, or so I thought. Well… there were just a few calls. And a lot of dropped calls. Ah well…

Friday, I was one of the judges in a beauty pageant. I was there from 6pm to 12mn. Who would have thought those things go on forever??? Well, at least I can say that I once judged a beauty pageant alongside Brazilian models, famous cosmetic surgeons and famed photographers.

Saturday, I saw a movie and bought a dress for my cousin’s wedding. I asked my roommate to do my hair and makeup next week. I told her I want to be prettier than the bride. Ha. I was serious. But it’s kinda impossible because my cousin is really beautiful. And it is her wedding day. Anyway. My turn will come.

Next week, it’s my cousin’s wedding. My aunt and grandma are coming home this Friday from Texas to join the celebration. I can’t wait to see them. I can’t wait to see my family again after a long time.

This Sunday there’s the Run United. There will be around 3,500 less runners this time. But it’s still a huge crowd… I hope I beat my time. Better practice tomorrow.

2010-02-07T22:50:00.000+08:00

the past week has been hectic at work. (when is it not?) i think next week will be a little bit more relaxed, though i have to work on saturday again. it's supposed to be a stride compared to this week... but we'll see.

the condura run was fun this morning. there was a lot of people. almost 9,000 people ran. and the whole place was packed. the organizers prepared a lot of things for the runners, fireworks, marching bands, cheering squads... it was amazing. i didn't beat my best time because i had to wait for one of my friends... but it's ok. there's always next week. i have to run at least a couple of times before the century superbods run. i won't be waiting for my friends at that run. i'll just see them at the finish line. at least that's the plan.

one of my goals this year is to run a half marathon.

book run 2010

2010-01-31T20:27:00.003+08:00

i didn't get to run as much as i should have last year, so i'm making it my new year's resolution to join the fun runs at BGC almost every week. mixing work and working out... and it's fun. (they don't call them fun runs for nothing. ha. )

i don't have any specific goal when i run. but this morning, i was halfway through the first km of my 5km when i decided that my goal was to run till my legs feel like they're going to fall off and until my chest feels like it's going to explode. 2 Kms later, i decided that was not the brightest idea and slowed my pace and walked. then my boss pointed to M R, one of the most beautiful local celebrities, running a few feet ahead of us. after walking and staring at her shapely hips for five minutes, i decided i had a new goal: beat M R at the finish line. and i did.

runningmate sent the race results 30 minutes ago via text. it's my best time so far. it's my best time but it's still embarrassing so i'm not posting it here.

oh, and i did get that picture with D D. which, i failed to admit earlier, was my real goal for joining this race. haha.

next run : condura run for the dolphins. can't wait.

sweet dreams

2010-01-17T21:54:00.002+08:00

while i argue in my mind whether i should do some stuff for work or finish some personal errands or just sit back and read a book on this sunday night, i thought i should drop by this blog.

last year, a former colleague gave me a small notepad for christmas. there was a quote at the bottom of the paper. it said, "If one advances carefully in the direction of his dreams, & endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in uncommon hours. " ~ Henry David Thoreau

i took one piece from that notepad and kept it in my wallet since. and soon after i started looking for a job that i liked. four months later, i got a new job and wondered how the hell i got it.

lately i have been thinking a lot about work... and the monetary compensation i get from this job that i love so much. it's not that what i get isn't enough... it's just that i know i can get so much more from a job that's easier. easier but something i'm only mildly interested in. just thinking about this stresses me out.

it's like this... i love my job. i can't imagine myself doing anything else. but my salary is just enough to get me through. it's not enough to get me that beautiful house or that new car or those amazing vacations. but everyday i'm thankful that i get to do something that makes sense to me.

which brings me to an important question, would you rather have a job that'll enable you to get that beautiful house, that new car and those amazing vacations... or would you rather do something you love. everyday. a job that makes you smile. and feel blessed that you are doing what you love. yet it'll take a lot of sacrifice and time to get a nice house, a decent car and the occasional vacation.

i think the question here is, what's more important to me?

well... look at the time! it's almost 10pm... time for bed. sweet dreams.

NP : clockwatching : jason mraz
Let's live in this moment just this time, could we?
Just take one moment of our time m-m-m-m-maybe.
Let's forget we running out of time.

I'm off like an airplane,
I'm catching my second wind again.
I'm using my left brain
And I'm righting all my wrongs.
lately we're running out of time, aren't we?

couch wars

2010-01-04T21:19:00.004+08:00

before i make any big (or sometimes even small) decisions, i always do my research. well... almost. i should have on this one. Because the first thing that comes up when you google "choosing a room mate/flat mate" is, "never room with a friend". i want to bitch slap myself for not researching this major decision in my life. another lesson learned.

there's a reason why we tirelessly looked for a two bedroom apartment for months. so that we can both have our own rooms. and here are the reasons why we both have to have our own rooms:

- so that none of us will have to tip toe if we want to use the kitchen in the middle of the night/day.
- so that one of us can watch tv without lowering the volume while the other one is asleep.
- so that neither will have to deal with the other person's personal stuff/clutter.
- so that neither one of us will have to watch the other sleep, dress up, put her make up on.

so when my room mate refuses to sleep in her bedroom, my frustration is understandable. right? do you even know anyone who sleeps in the living room??? that's crazy. especially when there's an available bedroom in the house. and i wouldn't write about it here if it hadn't reached this point where i am just ready to change the locks and put all her stuff on the corridor.

it's been three months since we moved in this condo. i let her sleep in the living room the first month because i thought it was a temporary thing... a few weeks, max. but it has been three f#c%ing months. She sleeps in the living room because she's scared... of ghosts, of evil spirits, etc. which is childish and stupid. I try to be understanding... so I gave her until January. When January came, I called a cleaning lady to clean her bedroom and the rest of the house (since she doesn't do housework either). So, what does she do? She sleeps on the couch.

We have different schedules. When she's asleep, I'm awake, and vise versa. So when she sleeps in the living room, i have no choice but to watch tv and sit on the floor, or sit on a really uncomfortable chair and strain my ears to hear what i'm watching. or i can lie in bed and sleep all day.

and besides that.... it's very uncomfortable to do any activity while someone in the room is asleep. that's just how i am. i think that's how most people are.

i'm not saying that i'm the perfect room mate. i probably have a lot of annoying habits... and i do have a dog who poops and pees in the living room and kitchen as she pleases. but i have given up a lot of things i love and there are certain things i can't take... like my tv turned on even when no one is watching. (i am not ready to buy a new tv anytime soon, and the next one i buy will be in my bedroom). know what i hate more than dirty dishes and a cluttered table? a person sleeping in the living room with the dirty dishes and the cluttered table.

please tell me i'm not being unreasonable because i'm way in over my head.

such unnecessary inconvenience.

heart's desires and answered prayers

2010-01-01T23:04:00.007+08:00

"when it hurts, when it means you rub chins with death, or even if it means dying, that's good. Anything that moves ahead, wins. No chess game was ever won by the player who sat for a lifetime thinking over his next move."

~ farewell summer : ray bradbury

i know i haven't written much in the past year. (i'm blaming my job for that. ) so in a nutshell, here's a random summary of my facebook statuses for 2009.

i think this about sums up my year. it's so funny that bad ass in 09 would be the first one on the list. or that it was even included. haha.

it was a year of blessings. of family. of hope. and everything falling into place. well... almost. i am, after all, a work in progress.

i have been so blessed... so blessed that sometimes, i feel that if i asked for anything more, even God would raise an eyebrow. haha.

one might say that 2009 was my year. but, know what? the best is yet to come. saying that 2009 was my year is like saying that the years to come will not be able to measure up and everything is just downhill from here. but this is just the beginning. it's my turn now.

it's so easy to say that the highlight of my year (quite possibly one of the highlights of my life) is my euro trip. but it's not just the trip that was amazing. it was being with family. with people i haven't seen in years. it's realizing how blessed i am to have such great family who would generously help out just to be with you and would go out of their way to make sure you would have the time of your life...

we went to copenhagen, malmo, berlin and prague. i also saw a little of the amsterdam airport and too much of the berlin, tegel airport. but it was amazing... and it changed me in ways i could never have imagined.

it was definitely a year of change. 2009 was the year when i got the job i've always wanted. a job i take pride in. a job that i don't mind working overtime for, a job that means something to me than just a means to a paycheck. it doesn't pay as much as my old job and it's a lot of work. but i love it and i can't imagine doing anything else.

i gave up my nice apartment in my old hometown to live somewhere close to work and share a condo with a friend. it's been challenging... in so many ways, but the extra time i save from traveling to and from work has been well spent with tascha.

tascha. tascha tascha. where do i even begin? my heart literally melts when she sleeps on my lap. she waits patiently for me, follows me wherever i go and never lets me out of her sight. anything who happily sits by my foot all day can't be bad for me.

what else happened this year? i walked at the edge of a building 125 meters high and saw what a person sees before he plunges off a building. i had my picture taken with e buendia, camped out at the beach with no running water, electricity or bed. (never again.) and ate roasted marshmallows from a raging bonfire by the beach. i tried to learn to play the ukulele and i passed out from drinking too much. i also completed the 9 day "Simbang Gabi" novena mass, heard the christmas and new year masses. and organized all of them. i won a netbook at the christmas party and discovered glee. and i had my very first pair of jimmy choo's.

2009 was also about sealing vaults. i was reacquainted to the eraserheads when i saw their Final Set concert and came to terms that that would be the last time they'll play as a band. you know that nelly furtado song? all good things must come to an end? it was like that. i also saw the nine inch nails "Wave Goodbye" concert. the audio in that concert was kick ass. it was insane. trent reznor is insane. i (heart) him.

in 2009, i learned that you can look at a watch, not see the time, but know that it is time.

oh, and although i got my driver's license, i still can't park.

the (other) year that was.

2010-01-01T22:57:00.003+08:00

for as long as i remember, i make a personal year end report every year. except last year. 2008 was eventful. but it was unbelievably sad. i think. and it was sad because i didn't see all the blessings thrown at me. i saw the things i didn't have and not the ones i was blessed with.

for what it's worth... here's a brief recap of the things that happened in 2008:

i went to hongkong and macau with my brother. we went to Disneyland!!! i went to coron, boracay and bohol with my cousins. I also went back to boracay with my friends and got annoyed out of my mind while they flirted with the bartender.

i traveled alone for the first time. I went to ilocos sur and ilocos norte where i had an amazing time. i have to fly back there soon. i said fly because the 16 hour road trip to pagudpud is way too much. and i do love long road trips. just not that long.

i lost the job i've had since 2005 and got a new one at the same company. but by year's end, i realized i wanted something else for me so i started looking for a new job.

I built amazing friendships there. some are still part of my life but some opted out... i believe they have their reasons... and i, of course, understand.

I also met someone who i thought would stick around and I, the fool that i was (still am), was willing to pack my bags and leave everything. I was gearing up to attend comic cons every year. imagine that.

It was also in 2008 when i discovered j johnson, j castro, b dylan and their music. and it was the only year in history when i did my christmas shopping after christmas.

the highlight of 2008, though was getting tascha. my feisty and adorable puppy. in 2008 i wouldn't have said it was the highlight of my year... but tascha has grown to be such an sweet and crazy puppy, you can't help but love her and believe that getting her was one of best decisions one has ever made.

with the way i ended 2008, i had no idea how amazing 2009 would be. everyone predicted that 2009 would be a struggle. i wonder what they meant by that. it was an amazing year for me. and it's not amazing because i got more blessings. it's amazing because i saw the blessings. and loved my life. and i am so glad things changed.

i'm thankful. forever grateful.

slingshots

2009-12-13T22:39:00.006+08:00

sometimes, when you haven't seen someone for a long time, the way they appear in your mind when you think of them changes. in my case, i always remember people from how they looked the last time i saw them. which makes sense... coz that would be my last memory of that person. but sometimes, when you haven't seen them for a long long long time, the memories start to look like pictures. in your mind, the person is still. he doesn't move anymore... and your memory of that person looks like the picture you've been staring at to bridge the absence. nothing more.

i know i've been neglecting this blog for a while now. and i always say i'll catch up on everything... but i haven't. and it's not like there's nothing to tell... because there's a LOT... just couldn't go around to doing it. for what it's worth, i'll try to drop by more often. i want to. writing here calms my nerves and sets me straight...

i better go back to reading my books too. i miss my books. i miss a lot of things.

Christmas is just around the corner. once again. wow. i'm very optimistic about this christmas. if not for anything, just thankful for all the blessings i received this year. 2009 was my year. i don't care what anyone else says. it was an amazing year. and i have a feeling that 2010 is going to be even better. i feel it. i know it.

perfect fit

2009-11-25T00:00:00.000+08:00

after all the stress and sleepless nights, i made it to europe. and i had the time of my life. it was the most amazing trip i've ever taken. it's so beautiful there. and it's nice to be around family again. i already miss everyone.

i'll blog about the trip and post some pictures maybe this weekend. but for now... i better raid limewire.

a million different places... and guess what?

2009-09-16T21:13:00.001+08:00

i believe that if you pray hard enough, sooner or later... in one way or another, your prayer will be answered. lately, i've been waking up in the middle of the night to find my hands still firmly clasped together in prayer.

i always learn my lessons the hard way. and not becuase i'm not cautious... i just believe that life is too short. and i don't have the time to analyze the pros and cons before i have fun. and also, sometimes i feel like life owes me a lot.

all in one week, i found a new place. the place is smaller than the one i have now, but a hell of a lot closer to work. and there's a pool. i wish i had the budget to renovate the place and make it look like one of those condos you see in magazines. anyway, i'm hopeful. it's the one thing i have.

this week also: i was given another chance to get a job out of the country... and be closer to someone i think i should be close to. at least, this time i can take my time to decide. maybe I need that.... but i love my job here. and there's nothing else i would rather do (well, except maybe lie on the beach with a good book and a cold drink for a living)

either way, every step i make seems to bring me further away from you.

the same deep water as me

2009-09-11T10:20:00.000+08:00

"I never wanted you to see the world the way I did, down here in the deepest part of it. I can handle it here by myself... it may get lonely but its my deep water, not yours."
~ p. sawyer

disheveled

2009-09-09T21:10:00.000+08:00

there has never been a person in this world more in need to get her act together as me right now.

i swear. how i let things get so out of hand is beyond me... i have no idea where to start. or even how i got here. but i am here. and like an ice cold bucket of water dumped at me, i was awakened. and i have to do something about it.

ok. so maybe i knew i had to do something about it a long time ago, when it was a mere nuisance than the major dilemma it is now. but i ignored it until i can't anymore. i avoided it until i can't because now it's smothering me and i can't breathe.

I think one big fat wake up call came when i went out for drinks with some friends. i wasn't drunk yet. i wasn't even dizzy. then i felt sleepy. then everything went dim. and the voices grew farther. and i couldn't move or open my eyes or speak. i wasn't unconscious because i can hear my friends (and there were times when i hoped i was unconscious) but i couldn't respond in any way. it was like being buried alive. you couldn't do anything but you are aware of your surroundings.

now, if being buried alive is not hitting bottom, i don't know what else is.

most of the things are beyond my control and all i can do is wait... it sucks when you can't do anything else but wait. i hate waiting. i hate it with a passion.

there are some i can do something about, like organize my life. get things together at home. find a new freaking apartment. start working out and eating right again. take care of myself. fix my budget. and work on pending projects at work. this one i gotta do if i want to keep my job.

sometimes i feel like i bit off more than i can chew. but really, what else could i have done?

I just found out that:

On this day of your life, Ivy, we believe God wants you to know...
... that to burn out the pain, just find a place filled with joy.

God created joy as a balm for pain. What are some places, who are some people filled with joy that you can rely on to ease your pain?

is this some kind of joke? because it's not funny. it's freaking hilarious.

NP: wrong choice : the lovely feathers
you made the wrong choice
you made the wrong choice
oh no, tears to drown us in
oh no, falter down to it
oh no, all night long again

dandelions and high speed internet

2009-08-29T22:43:00.008+08:00

over the past year i've gathered a stack of unread and unopened books in my apartment. my cleaning lady kept them in a huge box (i asked her to start packing my stuff months ago when i thought i was moving out). anyway, i open that box almost everyday but i never got to open a book until last night.

before i left for dinner, i knew i shouldn't have disconnected the internet. i was late paying the bill last month and i forgot to pay them this month. when i got home, ready and raging to play my facebook games (specifically sorority life and farmville), i couldn't connect. the bastards took my internet connection and i was left with no choice but to look for something to read.

some nice things spring out of seemingly unfortunate events. i took out some magazines, quickly got bored and finally opened Farewell Summer by Ray Bradbury. I wasn't through with the first paragraph and i was immediately brought back to the Spaulding kid's summer. it's still so clear in my mind how i imagined the kid sitting at the front porch with his grandfather on a hot summer afternoon when i was first introduced to Bradbury. Dandelion Wine started a romance that went on for around nine years, i think... i'm not sure. but i remember lying in my bedroom at my grandma's house, reading Dandelion Wine, all giddy and happy and sweaty.

i miss reading books. i miss reading Bradbury books. i miss reading his prose. i miss being taken to wherever he wants to take me. i miss tasting and smelling and feeling whatever it is he wanted me to taste, smell and feel.

but i also missed my facebook games. and twitter. so first thing i did this morning was go to the mall to get free wifi, harvest my crops and organize events for my sorority sisters. i also looked at new internet providers and dropped by the bookstore.

i bought 3 books and got a really good discount. it's like i got one free. I got "A year in high Heels" and "How to Walk in High Heels" by Camilla Morton and "Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me" by Lucia Van Der Post. I vaguely remember reading about these books from the magazine i was browsing last night. With the new environment I am moving in right now, with the grown up job and all (haha :)), i figured i needed to learn a thing or two about grace and not act and dress like a kid who just got out of college...

eager to read my new books, i sprinted out of the bookstore.

i decided to ditch what i thought was my super fast wired broadband connection and got a SWB. I don't regret it for one second. it's almost a half cheaper than my old subscription and twice as fast. sometimes, you really get lucky. i was so set on getting GTW, but when i got there, ready to pay for the kit... the lady bluntly said that their signal in my area is really week.

AAAAND... another provider has amazing signal in my area. just really amazing. i was tempted to ask her which one it was... but that may seem a bit rude (and her manager was staring at us). she was nice enough to be honest about the lousy signal, it would be asking to much if i asked her to specify which of their competitors would give me this really amazing service.

so i sprinted out of their store.

there were only two other providers, i wasn't getting specific answers from the second provider. When i asked her if the signal is strong in my area, she answered, "yeah, the signal is strong everywhere... we've sold a lot of kits today. a lot of people signed up"... i wasn't convinced that that was the one.

so i sprinted out of their store.

the third provider was specific. "we have strong signal in your area. we have a lot of customers from that subdivision. Mr. ChopChop from something street is a subscriber, is he your neighbor?"

well, Mr ChopChop is not my neighbor and i don't know who he is, but i was sold... i paid for my kit and just as i was leaving the store... i heard my sales guy say to another customer, "we have strong signal in your area. we have a lot of customers from that subdivision. Ms. BlahBlah from somewhere street is a subscriber, do you know her?"

i smiled and sprinted out of their store. amused and hopeful.

there are days

2009-08-28T00:08:00.007+08:00

... when you just wish someone tells you that everything will be all right ...

... that whatever happens, they got your back ...

... can't remember the last time someone got my back ... i think i was fifteen ...

... that was way too long ago ...

"self" portrait

2009-08-27T00:03:00.003+08:00

that girl on my blog is so sad... that's not me anymore. I should change that picture one of these days.

i'm the sun that beats your brow

2009-07-23T21:26:00.008+08:00

some of the biggest realizations of my life come when i'm either taking a long walk, trying on expensive shoes, eating apple pie or listening to megadeth.

today, over barbecue bacon cheese burger, coke zero, fries and apple pie... i realized how all the things that happened over the past years brought me here… where I am right now… and how everything just seemed to fall into place.it’s like, all the detours, the mishaps, the seemingly wrong turns brought me where I’ve always wanted to be. and it’s amazing. It’s like somehow, my dreams… even dreams I’ve dismissed as impossible are now just within my reach.

a few months ago i was ready to leave this country to start somewhere else. live a life totally different from what i really wanted but figured, i ultimately needed. And now, I am a nudge away from taking the architecture licensure exams.

Who knew that after everything, i will end up wanting to be what i've always wanted to be anyway? an architect.

i sat there and thought how amazing it is that all the good and bad things that happened ultimately led me here... to where i am now and how everything seems to fall in to place... as if everything is part of a grand plan that i'm only realizing now.

someone up there is really looking after me.

ok....so,,,, i guesss i have to mention the pink elephant in the room, huh?

someone told me that if you've been gone for a while and you don't know how to start again, you just jump right to it... so that was me, jumping right to it.

work has made me unbelievably busy and i love it. it's crazy, stressful, tiring, and i love it.

oh, and i think i'm back. :) i hope.

So the question now… should I back post or not?

NP: Poison was the cure : Megadeth

From a rock star to a desk fool

Was my destiny someone said
Love's a tide pool
Taste the waters life's abundant
Taste me

fight club.

2009-05-23T07:22:00.003+08:00

i have two names. together they mean a brave and strong willed princess. my mom wanted me to be strong. and brave. and independent. and strong. she also wanted me to be a ballerina. there was no way she was getting that.

sometimes i wish my mom never wished for me to be strong. some people go through life without ever needing to be strong. or do they? sometimes, i think that everyone goes through some sort of battle... it's just different for each one of us. but sometimes, i think some people have it better and some don't.

all my life i feel like i've had to fight for things in my life. i've had to fight to keep loved ones around. i've had to fight to get by.

my job is the only thing i feel was handed out to me without so much effort. lately, i feel like it's slowly changing. i wish that i didn't have to go on battle for this. not this one. at least.

but like every other thing in my life, i have to fight if i want to keep this. i have to be brave. and strong.

but i don't want to fight. not anymore.

but how will you win if you don't fight?

but i don't want to win. i didn't know someone has to win and someone has to lose. i don't want to win. i just....

and yet it seems as though i'm always in battle.

they say, fortune favors the bold.

i say, let's see.

if life is my oyster then where the hell is my lobster?

2009-04-29T20:42:00.002+08:00

i am always learning. everyday. i don't want to equate learning with pain. but let's face it... when we go through a so much pain, we learn a hell of a lot more than we do when we're happy.

i learned that even when everything is looking up, you can still feel like your world is falling apart.

i learned that i can choose wherever i want to go. but i can't choose where my heart stays.

i learned that time, distance, pain, hate can never erase love. nothing will.

i learned that kindness doesn't get you the guy/girl.

and at the end of the day, no matter how great your job is, if you can't share it with that one person... it just doesn't make sense.

and just when you thought things can't get any worse, you realize you've become exactly what you were afraid to be when you were young.

kick start

2009-03-15T06:24:00.003+08:00

Major, major changes coming up.

I wonder if the decisions I make right now will lead me to where I am supposed to be. But how are you to know, anyway? This may be the best or worst decision I will ever make.

Things are going on full speed… I hope I can do this. It’s scary but I am determined to rise above this. I have to. I don’t really have a choice. Shoot. Maybe I can retract my resignation…?

No. I have to do this. I have to at least try.

Maybe the timing is crazy. Maybe it’s perfect. I can only find out.

Things to look forward to in the weekend:

1. Two Sides – the Wolfgang concert.
2. Camping by the beach in Anawangin

Some crazy things I have to do in less than two weeks.

1. learn how to drive
2. get a driver’s license
3. complete my pre employment requirements
4. start with a new job

and in the not so distant future, maybe in a month or two:

1. move out
2. move on

and somewhere in between:

1. get a rockin’ new wardrobe that will go well with my
2. rockin’ new life.

sometimes I think I’m brave. But the truth is. I’m scared as hell. I am shaking as I type this.

NP: Eden : 10,000 Maniacs
All in time,
but the clock is another demon that
devours our time in Eden,
in our Paradise.
Will our eyes see well beneath us,
flowers all divine?
Is there still time?
If we wake and discover
in life a precious love,
will that waking become more heavenly?

my meDicine

2009-03-13T19:04:00.000+08:00

sometimes, something big happens in your life... like a major decision you have to make and though you know what you should do, you still need your support system around you. Like when there's a major crossroad in your life and although you know which path to take, sometimes you still need someone you trust to tell you that what you’re doing isn’t totally insane. That if by any chance, you’re making a huge mistake, they will back you up and pull you out of the gutter if you happen to end up there. Maybe to assure you that you’re not totally out of your mind, or that you can do it.

Sometimes we seek that assurance from places where we used to find them. Like an old friend who used to believe in what you can be. Someone whose opinion matters to you. But there are things that time and distance can change, like a friendship you thought would surpass… well… time, distance, storms and all other calamities life happens to throw at you. But sometimes, sometimes it fades, sometimes it gets marred. Sometimes it’s just no longer what we believed it was.

And you find solace in unexpected places. Like a new friend who, in her quiet way… changes the way you see things and without her knowing it, she just helped you make one of the biggest decisions of your life.

When you come home to an empty house everyday, you get your strength from friends. Be them true or not. I’m just glad that despite my misgivings, I am still blessed with friends who take the time and effort to show me that they’re behind me. Maybe they can’t go as far as to hold my hand, but sometimes, knowing that they want to is all I need.

NP: Losing Keys : Jack Johnson
I've been losing lots of keys lately,
I don't know what that means
But maybe I've been better off with things that can't be locked at all
I've been feeling kind of sea sick lately,
See you reaching to me gonna save me
You were me, I would much rather take the fall

The world has its ways
To quiet us down
The world has its ways
To quiet us down comes the rain
Down comes our spirits again
But Down comes the strength
To lift us up and then...

untitled

2009-03-03T20:37:00.001+08:00

Slow down and enjoy life.
It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast
You also miss the sense of where you are going and why ~ eddie cantor

How long has it been? I always feel like I’m trying to catch up on life. But the past month, I think I was able to rush right along with it. It was both good and bad. In reference to the quote above, I was able to enjoy the scenery. But somewhere along the amazing sights, the laughter, the disappointments, the highs and the lows… I lost sight of where I was going. And most importantly, why.

The past couple of months was a whirlwind… I did so much without accomplishing anything which makes it even more frustrating. I am no nearer to my goals after trying to catch up with everything and everyone. I'm not even sure why I'm in a hurry. I don't know why am I trying desperately to have everything. To do everything. To be everything. NOW.

Maybe it’s the time line I’ve set for myself. I have big plans for when I turn 30 which is a mere 3 months away. I want to enjoy the last few months I have remaining with my friends and family. Before I start a new life somewhere else. See, I have to start somewhere else. But at the same time, I am trying to juggle work and the things I have to do in preparation for my big move.

I need a major change. A life altering move. A twist so big, today would be a distant, vague memory. I want out. I can say this now with all certainty. And I am determined to do whatever it takes within the boundaries of what my conscience perceives as moral.

I don’t want to run anymore. I think it’s time I go home. But home isn’t here and I have to go find it.

I feel so old here. I want to be new again.

Brand new.

"She decided against wearing her shades. It's time to look at the big blue sky without rose colored glasses. She looked ahead and couldn't look back. Because walking away would be impossible if she found him there, standing by the door, looking back at her." ~ untitled

One in a Million - Guns N Roses

2009-02-17T20:06:00.001+08:00

I'm posting this here, because it's fun. I was tagged in facebook and thought this was fun... i love shuffles!!! and i especially love #16. nice.

INSTRUCTIONS:
- Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
- For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
- YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS. DON'T LIE.
- Tag 10 friends (make me #11 so I can see your results). or however many you want...
- Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
- Have fun!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
swiss army romance - dashboard confessional

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
D I A - billy corgan

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Imagine - John Lennon

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Of the Girl - Pearl Jam (huh???)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
fu-gee-la - Fugees

6. WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Nothing is good enough - aimee mann

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Neighborhood Bully - Bob Dylan (hahaha)

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Mintcar - the cure

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Can't buy me love - the beatles

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
resolution time - beastie boys

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Train around the bend - the velvet underground

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
winter - james iha

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
alameda - elliott smith

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Frogs - alice in chains (yikes!)

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Take it away - the used (nyahhaha)

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
riot act - skid row (nice.)

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
keep the customer satisfied - simon and garfunkel (noooooooooooooo!)

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Little man, what now? - Morrissey

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
If i ever lose my faith in you - sting

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Jake - lisa loeb (hihi :))

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
redemption song - bob marley

22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
One in a Million - Guns N Roses

last resort

2009-02-10T16:07:00.010+08:00

When there are no words, I resort to spam…

I was recently tagged in “25 random things about me”. So, here’s my 25 random things.

1. i love strawberries... i am munching on a bucket of strawberries from Baguio as I type this.
2. i love surprises.
3. i am scared of dogs (especially the ones that aren't real). that's why my shih tzu is the boss. i give her everything she wants.
4. my favorite coffee is kapeng barako. and i take my coffee black, strong with 2 tbsps of sugar.
5. the only thing keeping me from buying an iphone is the news. they talk about how the world is in an economic crisis and how everything will get worse. and that we should all think twice before spending. and how people with jobs should be thankful they even have jobs.
6. no matter what they say, i love my family. (what's left of it, anyway)
7. i love flowers and stuffed toys and shoes. i am such a girl.
8. i love listening to depressing music.
9. i don't insist on anything. i'll usually accept the first answer. it's either you do or you don't. yes or no. which makes me so easy/hard to deal with.
10. i refuse to live without chocolate.
11. it may not seem like it, but i do have a plan.
12. i love cold weather. BUT i love the beach. and i love lying under the sun with a cold drink and a good book.
13. i believe that what comes around, goes around. i believe in karma. and i believe that one of these days, my turn will come.
14. i love coke zero.
15. i love apple. apple pie, apple drinks, apple gadgets. apple anything.
16. i almost didn't graduate from college because i loved playing hockey too much.
17. i have a stack of books that i haven't read (or opened) yet i still buy books like there's no tomorrow.
18. i research on almost anything first before jumping in.
19. i am very forgiving. it's the forgetting part i'm not good at.
20. i don't watch horror movies. i don't like to scare myself unnecessarily.
21. i always end up attracted to guys who embrace their inner geek. haha.
22. i almost always miss people.
23. My whole life I was only able to truly open up to two people. One is dead, the other one might as well be.
24. i snore.
25. contrary to what i say about love, i still believe that if it is true, it doesn't end.

162 days to never

2009-01-04T17:53:00.000+08:00

I spent New Year’s Eve in the office. And quite frankly, spending it alone in my room as I did some years ago was so much better. I will never do that again if I can help it. On New Year’s Day, right after work, I went to Cabanatuan city with X and his family. I really had a great time. I really love the countryside. The simplicity of life in places like that always brings some sort of comfort and peace to my weary mind. There were so many kids, so many trees, so much of nature, so much family, and so much laughter and so much food. I would post some pictures but it might take a while. (X says ETA is 2 weeks).

I don’t know why I never went there before. I can’t remember if X never asked me or if I always refused. And if I did refuse, I wish I hadn’t. I’m glad I still got to go, even if it’s the last time.

It’s weird how little I remember. And yet I still can’t forget.

I was browsing through my old blogs yesterday… looking for words to comfort a friend who’s going through a really rough time… and I stumbled upon an old post. About 2 years ago. And I said I didn’t want to leave just yet because I want everything to be ready when I leave because when I finally do, there will be no turning back. I only have 6 months to prepare for the point of no return. I better haul ass.

the deepest blues

2008-12-26T00:25:00.000+08:00

I wonder what the hell sucked the joy out of Christmas.

Christmas passed 13 minutes ago and I still haven’t done my Christmas shopping. It’s weird, really. The holiday season used to be the highlight of my year. I looked forward to shopping for gifts and wrapping them and stacking them under my nice little tree. This year, I tried to several times to go to the mall to shop for gifts. But when I get there, there’s always a reason to go home and postpone the whole thing. Things that never seemed to stop me all those Christmases ago… what happened? I just lost interest, I guess. It just stopped being fun and became more of a duty than anything else. And honestly, how can you even go about spending your hard earned money as a chore? This whole thing used to be so much fun. I miss those days. Maybe I am just getting old. Or maybe it’s something else.

I think it’s something else.

I have been thinking about leaving ever since I can remember. I wanted to live somewhere else. Last week, I was given the opportunity to do so. All I had to do was decide. And I couldn’t. I said I wanted to think about it more. Which is weird, coz I’ve always wanted to leave. And I knew that. Maybe I just got scared. All the comfort I know now will vanish once I leave… and then there’s the fear of the unknown.

My friends all think it’s a good idea to leave. They all agree that sometimes, you have to leave to make way for better things.

I tell myself I can always come back anyway. If things don’t work out, then I can go back home and start again… or maybe I can go to another place and start there. The point is, I can pretty much go and start wherever and whenever I want. I am not bound by any chain. And frankly, I have more reasons to leave than to stay.

I still want to do my research and other preparations I feel I need to do before I sign anything. But I will definitely pursue this. Which is kinda sad, considering how I spent my potentially last Christmas here. I know I’ll look back on this and wish that I spent more time with the people I love and care for… but what’s done is done… I think I still have like at the very least, six months here. I’m going to miss everyone. But…

It’s time.

backposts,rockstars and shoes

2008-12-07T11:37:00.002+08:00

I back posted my second day in Pagudpud (to the moon and back). I have so many pictures of that trip that I want to post but I still haven't gotten around to posting them on a photo hosting site. I will post and back post the links as soon as I fix it.

There are so many things going on right now. work, parties, concerts, shoes... which reminds me, i have to go get my nails done. now.

And did you count many times I typed the word "post" in the last 5 minutes?

an apple a day...

2008-12-01T10:44:00.003+08:00

I have been really really sick since I got back home from my trip. I thought it was the flu, but after visiting the doctor yesterday, it turns out to be bronchitis. Crap. I guess that explains why I've been in so much pain the past week. The doctor won't let me go back to work yet. This couldn't have come at a worse time.

Speaking of work... I am looking at another job. I think I'll know on Wednesday. I really hope this turns well.

I haven't posted the continuation of my trip to Ilocos yet, but I will. As soon as I remember where I saved the drafts. haha. I will also post the pictures I took during the trip. I am still not sure which photo hosting site to post them on. I'll post the link here once I get everything together.

For now, I shall lie down and watch cartoons all day.

the long way home

2008-11-27T18:01:00.002+08:00

The journey back to manila was harsh. Sitting in a cold bus for more than 14 hours cannot be good for anyone’s health. (edit: A week after I got back to manila I will find out that I had bronchitis. I probably got it on my way to Vigan and dragged it all the way to Pagudpud and then back home.)

But the truth is, the bronchitis and the long, freezing ride home were nothing compared to the perplexity going on in my head. (Well… not really. I wasn’t confused… I mean, I think I knew all along. At the back of my head. I just refused to concede to the possibility. )

I got smacked in the head with an insight so big that I almost can't absorb it all at once.

It happened when I was getting ready to go home. I just spent the day walking on the beach and taking pictures while it literally stormed. I was right on schedule and putting lip gloss on when a realization dawned on me without warning.

Of course, it’s him. and no matter how i try to deny it, i know it's him.

One of my goals upon taking this trip was to sort some loose ends. Figure things out and look for direction. Like draw a map to the things I want to have and keep in my life. Figure out where I want to go. Draw up a path to what I really want. Up until I reached the town before Laoag, I was lost. I wasn’t sure about anything. But it was right after we passed a deserted cockfighting arena when I knew. I remember knowing, for sure what I will do as soon as I get back to manila.

Then back in that small cottage I rented for a few hours in Saud, I looked into the mirror and thought about how happy I was… about the trip, about my life, about everything… and only one thing was missing. And it was him.

And if he was there, I knew I couldn’t ask for more.

I brushed the tears off my cheeks and powdered my nose. I shrugged. It’s time to go home.

I went to the bus station and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible for the long ride home. I looked for the sunset. Then I looked for the moon. Who was I kidding, anyway? The playlist I created, all 177 songs (14 hours worth of songs), the main reason why I wanted to take a long road trip, were for or about him. It was him. And I didn't know where to start.

And there in the bus, with my aching back and heart of lead, I came to a decision. A decision that may forever change my life. But will never change my heart.

to the moon and back

2008-11-25T04:49:00.009+08:00

I love waking up when the sun isn't up yet and I don't have to rush off somewhere. So, yesterday I took the ultimate Pagudpud tricycle adventure. Tricycle number 144, with Lenzer as the pilot.

I looked at some pictures on the internet before I took the trip, so I had an idea of the places I was going to see. BUT what I didn't expect or see when I did my research was this:

I didn't know I was going on a trip to the moon... then to Tatooine. haha. I love that place. it's something I’ve never seen before, except on Star Wars and in science class. We had to trek under the scorching sun for about 15 minutes before we got there. but it was totally worth it. first, you walk through a field of grass. Then you walk though the craters of the moon. or so it seemed. I was so amazed. I kept telling the tour guide that I felt like I was walking on the moon. I bet if I were to walk on the moon or another planet, it would look a lot like that place.

then, we went to the rock formation itself. that's the name of the place because I don't think there's any other way to call it. except maybe, sand formation. The rock looks a lot like sand that froze over. like you're on a desert, but the sand is rock solid. It was like being in Episode 1. I was half expecting Padawans and George Lucas to show up somewhere.

The first stop was the Bantay Abot cave. I wanted to go there and take really nice pictures. But the wind was crazy when we got there and I was so scared I’ll be blown off the cliff to the South China Sea, so this is the best picture I got.

Next was the Patapat Viaduct. (I really hope I got the names of the places right) then we went to Aqua Grande. It was nice. The water flowing from rock to rock created an illusion of steam coming off the rocks as the water flows from the mountain to the beach. it was beautiful. I wish I took better pictures.

I almost skipped the Kabigan Waterfalls. coz, really. how many waterfalls have you seen in your life? and don't they all just look the same? it's a good thing I didn't skip this one because it was beautiful. I think the 1.5 km trek to the falls is half the charm of the falls. The water was cool. not cold, but cool... the kind you'd love to jump in after walking under the sun for 30minutes. If I had brought clothes, I would have jumped in.

And when you reach the falls, it's amazing. If I were to rank all the waterfalls I ever saw in my life, this would have to be in the top 2. I forgot how it feels when you're near the falls. the sound of the raging water, the wind blowing your hair all over the place, the spray of cool water everywhere, including the lens of your brother's camera. it was amazing.

Speaking of amazing... there's Saud beach. there were a total of 6 people on the beach, including us. The sand here isn't as fine or as white as the sand in Boracay. But, it's quiet here. It's perfect for relaxing and for getting away from everything. I have to go back here.

Then, we were off to the lighthouse. It was scary up there. The wind was really really strong and you can hear it from up there. The light house was really really old... and it felt creepy in there... like someone died there or something.

It was starting to rain when we made our way to the Bangui Windmills. It was beautiful. I was overwhelmed at how big those windmills were. I wanted them to spin me off to another place and time. Really. I felt that sinking feeling when I looked up, like when you're in a roller coaster or when you’re descending at high speed. but peaceful. like you're going to be taken off somewhere safe.

Pagudpud is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. I will definitely come back.

The agenda for today is to pack my stuff, spend the entire day on the beach in Saud, then catch the 5pm bus to Manila.

windmills of my mind

2008-11-24T20:20:00.000+08:00

Bangui Windmills

goodness. what the hell was in that margarita? one glass and i am dizzy. i am done for the day and it's just 8:30 pm.

i am seriously thinking about staying one more night here in Pagudpud... but i'll stay in Saud. the beach there is heavenly. it's beautiful. it's so amazing here.... i haven't left Pagudpud yet but i already plan to go back. I'll tell you about the beautiful places I saw today as soon as I wake up tomorrow morning.

NP: the windmills of your mind : sting
"Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle in your head
Why did summer go so quickly?
Was it something that you said?
Lovers walk along a shore
And leave their footprints in the sand
Is the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand?
Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of a song
Half-remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong?
When you knew that it was over
You were suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the colour of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind..."

back in time and the end of the world

2008-11-23T22:51:00.009+08:00

Calle Crisologo

After sooo much stress and sooo much trouble, I am finally in Pagudpud. I arrived at Kapuluan Vista Resort a little after 9:00pm. There is something terribly wrong with how far this place is. I was so scared I’ll end up in Cagayan Valley. I have no idea where Cagayan Valley is. But I have a feeling it’s at the tip of this big island I’m in. I am almost sure that if you go further north of Cagayan Valley, you’ll be swimming in the South China Sea.

I wasn’t able to leave Vigan as scheduled because I wasn’t really able to explore the place yesterday. I didn’t want to leave without seeing everything I wanted to see.

Bantay Bell Tower

I can barely remember the places I saw this morning. I will have to look at the pictures and rest a little to remember. The time I spent in Vigan seems so far away now... well... it is so far away now, know why? Because I’m in freaking Pagudpud which is at the end of the freaking world!!!

So far, the hotel seems nice. I haven’t been to the beach yet. Although I can hear and smell the ocean. I love the fact that we can smell the ocean. It’s amazing.

Another thing I love about Pagudpud is that when you breathe here... you know that you're breathing fresh air. You know it's good for you... and you don't secretly wish you have thick nose hair to filter the pollution.

St. Paul's Cathedral on Sunday Morning

Anyway, the Calesa tour this morning... The staff from Grandpa’s Inn got a Calesa for me and the first stop is the Bantay bell tower, I wanted to hear mass at the Church but the service was said in Ilocano, I wouldn’t understand it anyway. We went to the Burgos Museum, where there were a lot of tombs with real bones in them. Why would they unearth tombs and put them on museums??? I think it's a bit disrespectful. The Burgos Museum is the ancestral home of Padre Burgos, one of the three priests executed during the Spanish regime.

The wishing well

Then we went to the Burnay (Pottery) place. I heard this trade/art was introduced by Chinese immigrants. Next was the Hidden Garden where I wished on a wishing well… let’s see if it comes true. This is also were I saw some ladies making the famous Vigan empanada. Then, we were off to Chavit’s Baluarte. Wow. That dude has a lot of money. How do you own tigers and lions, anyway? We also dropped by Crisologo Museum where I saw pictures of Crisologo when he was murdered in St. Paul’s Cathedral… while hearing mass. That was brutal.

Before heading for back to the hotel, we dropped by the market to buy new luggage for my stuff.

I forgot to mention that during my entire stay at Vigan, I only ate Bagnet, Pinakbet, poqui-poqui and Vigan longanisa. The food at Café Uno is amazing; I didn’t have to go anywhere else to eat. Even the Choco banana shake is heavenly.

After lunch, I walked back to Calle Crisologo for souvenir shopping. I figured I had more room now that I have a big suitcase. As usual I spent way too much. I swear someone else should be handling my finances. Well, at least I am done with half of my Christmas shopping.

I left the hotel and took the bus for Laoag where I’ll get on another bus to Pagudpud. Little did I know of the harsh conditions that await me. First, there were no air-conditioned busses en route to Pagudpud. When they said it takes 4 hours to get to Pagudpud from Vigan, they did not include the 1 hour to wait for a bus from Vigan, another hour to wait for the bus from Laoag to Pagudpud, another hour to wait for another bus when your bus breaks down and another hour from Pagudpud town proper to the hotel.

I wore my fake (i'm-married-so-back-off) wedding ring and later on, I learned that either guys don’t notice the ring or they just ignore it. The only one who noticed, of all people, was the konductor of the bus on the way to Pagudpud.

The bus left at 6:00pm, around 7:00pm, I reminded him that they will have to drop me off at Gaua (which I always pronounce in several different ways because I keep forgetting the right one). He nodded and said he will. 7:30pm, I was getting anxious. I asked him if it's still far, he said yes. So I listened to my iPod again. 8:00pm, I asked how far away we are and how long till we get there. He said 30minutes. The konductor would have scolded me if I were a kid. But he didn't get annoyed. Instead, 5 minutes later, he asked me how many husbands I had... which was so funny coz so far, out of the guys who hit on me on this trip, he had the funniest pick up line. It seriously made me laugh. Until I realized, he was waiting for an answer. Haha. That shut me up. I didn’t ask “are we there yet?” again.

The people from the hotel were getting worried. It was almost 9PM and I still haven’t checked in. I told them there was a delay coz the bus broke down and we had to wait for another bus to arrive. Transferring from one bus to another was an ordeal I cannot articulate.

I saw signs of Pagudpud, then Saud... then just small little towns with names I’ve never heard of and very little electricity. I was getting nervous and was wondering if there are any hotels in this place called Cagayan Valley. I was on the verge of a panic attack when the Konductor said it was my stop.

Hmmm… I swallowed hard as I lugged my trolley and looked around. No electricity. No vehicles. Nothing. Then this kind lady, who also got off the bus, asked me where I was going and helped me out.

And I am finally here… The place is nice. The pool is smaller than I perceived from the pictures in the internet, but it's ok... the bed is definitely more comfortable than the one I had in Vigan and there's a cute little flower on it. I only have 2 fluffy pillows instead of the usual six. But it was the bathroom that made everything worth it.

My bathroom with the little garden inside

There is nothing better than to take a warm shower in a bathroom with a little garden after a long and tiring day.

It’s almost 11pm. I have to sleep now. I think my right arm is about to fall off.

Location: Kapuluan Vista Resort, Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte

NP: used to be lucky : the wallflowers
"Now if losing is amusing, man get a load of me
You see me fallin' in love with a guillotine
But it used to be funny, to think you would think of me
Oooh ooh ooh oooh
Now I wish I could just take all my things and leave
But I've fallen down in the wheels of this machine
But it used to be somethin', to be nowhere with nothin'
Oooh ooh ooh oooh
So sad Everything's goin' bad
In the dreams I've had
They all laugh at what I have..."

you are timeless to me...

2008-11-22T21:12:00.000+08:00

Calle Crisologo at night

I’ve been here for only a day, but it oddly feels like my second day in Vigan. Next time, when I plan a trip like this, the first consideration will be my health. I bounded that bus with a fever and a bad headache. My second consideration will be if I have enough time to plan the freaking trip. Ha. After checking in at the hotel, I quickly changed into my PJs and slept amongst all my 6 fluffy pillows. Amazing. I think I slept for like 6 hours. I decided not to set up an alarm because I knew I needed to sleep. My temperature was not at a healthy level and my body was aching all over. So I slept until about noon. The hotel was kind enough to still let me have my free breakfast even though it was almost lunch time.

I was about to get ready to hit the streets when I realized that I forgot to bring my memory card. Well, nice one, ivy. Not only are you traveling alone in strange place where people think you are crazy enough to travel alone, but you managed to forget your freaking memory card of all things. And my brother's camera doesn't have an internal memory thing... so there. So far, everything about this trip has been fine and freaking dandy. (You do realize that I was being sarcastic). So, without taking a bath, I hit the streets and hoped and prayed that I’ll manage to find a memory card. and oh my god. I did.

I don't know why, but the people here seem to be so amused that someone is traveling alone. It’s crazy. I don't look foreign, so I might as well be a local walking the streets on her own. What’s so amusing about that? I think Pinoys are generally not ready for people who travel alone.

So... I didn't buy the SD card yet because I wasn't sure if it's compatible with my brother’s camera. I went to a salon, hoping to get a treatment for my poor, battered and stressed out hair and get a pedicure. I did get my pedicure but decided against the hair treatment which was 3x more expensive here than in Manila.

I went back to the hotel and slept. Again. It wasn’t a choice, really. I felt that if I didn’t rest, I’ll pass out. And I can’t pass out on the streets of Vigan, alone. I don’t have smelling salts. Ha. Anyway, this time I set my alarm for 2:30pm. 2:30 became 3:30 and 3:30 became 5:30.

I took my time preparing to go out and prayed for hot water. Lo and behold, it works. I bought a bag I can actually use (unlike my pretty purple bag) and bought the SD card, which thank God, works. Since I was now ready to explore and take pictures, I walked further and unknowingly reached Salcedo and Burgos parks and St Paul’s Cathedral.

St Paul's Cathedral

If there were a McDonald's in the 1500's

That’s where I met E. He seemed nice enough and after talking for a few minutes, he asked for my number and offered to show me around Vigan the next morning. I gave him my number but I don't know how willing I was to see Vigan with him.

With the help of my handy map, I found my way to Calle Crisologo. I took pictures and bought some souvenirs. This was weird because I don’t know who I’m buying the souvenirs for. I would love to buy some furniture and décor here for my apartment, though. I think I need to buy luggage here. It would be hard to drag all my stuff to Pagudpud then back to Manila.

Souvenir shopping along Calle Crisologo

I love this town. I am having a blast. I can live here and stay stuck in the 1500s forever. It’s amazing.

I keep getting messages from my friends back home and from E. I turned my phone off. They are all amazing and they just wanted to be sure I’m safe, but I kinda wanted this time alone for me.

Next year, I think I’ll take a Superferry somewhere. Get a really great cabin and some time for me.

NP: trouble:ray lamontagne
"Trouble
Feels like every time I get back on my feet
She come around and knock me down again
Worry
Sometimes I swear it feels like this worry is my only friend
Well I've been saved by a woman..."

Road Trip!

2008-11-22T05:18:00.001+08:00

Everyday on my way home from work, I pass by a bus station. The buses are headed for Lucena, which is about a four hour ride. Everyday, I think about hopping on that bus with a backpack and my road trip play list. I then figured that a four hour road trip is a bit too short and what the crap will I do in Lucena, anyway?

So, I decided to go to Ilocos. I have never been there and it’s an 8-12 hour bus ride from Manila. I researched and set the date.

To start with, I had a lot of shortcomings with the preparation of this trip. I had planned this trip months ago but failed miserably with the little details. First, I packed just an hour before I had to leave my apartment to make it to the bus station on time. I was at the office, trying to finish my accountabilities 4 hours longer than I should have.

Second, if I am ever traveling for more than 2 nights, I should use my luggage with wheels. It’s crazy to go around carrying a heavy backpack if you can use a bag with wheels, especially if you’ve got an aching back and a fever.

Third, I didn’t have time to sync my iPod so the kick ass play list, the whole point why I’m taking this 8 hour bus ride and not a plane, is missing.

I was late for the bus. Well, not late late. I just didn't get there on time to get a seat. I wasn’t able to factor in the Friday night traffic and arrived just 30 minutes before the bus was supposed to leave. All the seats were taken when I got there. Crap. The lady at the counter told me that the next bus going to Loaog will leave in 3 hours. I had a choice, wait 3 hours in the bus station for the not-so-super-not-so-deluxe bus or take the Kunductor’s super uncomfortable seat for four hours and leave as scheduled. I took the Kundoctor’s seat. This turns out to be a pretty silly thing to do. This whole trip was based on the schedule of that freaking super-deluxe-unbelievably-comfortable bus... and guess what, when I finally got to sit on their supposedly comfortable seat six (NOT four as promised) hours later... it wasn’t.

I should have taken that Maria de Leon bus instead of Partas. I saw some of their super deluxe busses passing by and they looked really nice... or at least, it looked like the chairs can be reclined.

So, I sat on the konductor's seat. Right beside the driver and the konductor. At first I was pissed off, and then after I saw our reflection on the mirror, I realized that it was kinda funny. Ha. Big time traveler, huh? I wish I had a picture of that.

Four hours later, I was in a bus stop somewhere, smoking with the conductor and the driver, sharing the hopia and chocolate I brought for the trip. It was so funny, if only my back didn’t hurt as much.

I think my butt got an inch tighter from sitting on that freaking chair. First, there was no seatbelt. Nothing at all to keep me from being thrown through the windshield into the cold hard asphalt. Second, I saw everything that the driver saw. I saw the near misses and there were a lot of them; the kids who came out of nowhere who had no idea now close they got to their deaths; the peculiar silhouettes the trees make in the night; a full fledged hippie van with the back open to reveal that the seats were taken off and replaced with a couch and the couple nearby having a romantic dinner under the stars; and then there’s a motor cycle accident victim lying on the street with his blood glistening against the asphalt.

Lobby of Grandpa's Inn

I arrived at Grandpa's Inn around 4:30am and no one was at the reception. There was a faint fluorescent light from somewhere and I squinted to see if the two sleeping figures on what appeared to be furniture were real people or just statues. (Hey, I was in a new place and who knows, maybe life sized sleeping statues were the thing here.) I decided to ignore the two sleeping figures and hollered in the direction of the reception desk. No answer. I paced around for a minute then tried to holler in the direction of the sleeping figures. One of them stood up, walked to the reception desk and rang the bell.

I should have ringed the bell. Argh! Any professional tourist would have ringed the bell. Hollering “tao po!” gave away the fact that I’m a novice traveler. Tsk tsk. Hey I learn as I go...

At the second floor of Grandpa's Inn

My room at is at the second floor of this ancient house, and it has a window, as promised by the guy on the phone when I made the reservation. It is nice and clean, the air-conditioning is cold and the TV is small. The WiFi is weak. But the pillows are fluffy and I have six of them. I better get some zzzzzzzzz before I hit town.

Note to self: buy four fluffy pillows when I get home.

Location: Grandpa’s Inn, Vigan Ilocos Sur
NP: come back : pearl jam
"And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I'm waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream

And sometimes you're there
And you're talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you're next to me

And it's okay.
It's okay.

I'll be here
Come back..."

make me believe

2008-11-18T18:35:00.003+08:00

I know i never really gave them a chance...

but i love weezer.

they are so easy. so effortless. so uncomplicated. so flimsy. soooo easy.

so much fun!

NP: the damage in your heart : weezer
"One more dream
Vanished up in smoke
Now I have no hope
Anymore

Let it go
The damage in your heart
Let it go..."

the day it rained forever

2008-11-10T18:09:00.001+08:00

i think i'm going to stick to this blog layout for now. the color scheme is oddly familiar... like my blog should have always been in these colors. i just need a little bit of blue here and there.

i hate the mall during christmas time. they look so happy and festive and has no regard whatsoever for people who don't celebrate christmas or are just plain lonely.

this is probably the first christmas where i have totally nothing to look forward to. last year was sad and quiet, but at least i hoped for something. this year, there's nothing.

Something dawned on me as I was on my way home this morning. i wasn't even thinking about it... it just came like a freaking bright idea. i think i know what i need... besides clarity. i wish for forgiveness. i'm not sure from whom or what... but i feel that that's what i need most... forgiveness.

the holiday season has the potential to be the loneliest and the happiest time of the year. it's that time when you're expected to be happy and to celebrate even when you feel otherwise which makes it the loneliest time of the year.

christmas used to be so happy. the lights, the lanterns, the puto bumbong, the hot choco, the little surprises when gifts are opened... it was that time when it's cold but full of warmth, and everything is beautiful and full of hope, and joy and love. always love.

NP: across the fields : 10,000 maniacs
"Take me along to the places you've gone when my eyes looked away.
Tell me the song that you sing in the trees in the dawning.
Tell me the part that shines in your heart
and the rays of love forever, please take me there..."

construction time. again.

2008-11-09T22:05:00.001+08:00

i'm TRYing to change the template of this blog... it's taking longer than usual. so bear with me. thanksssss!!!!!

the loneliest girl in the world

2008-11-06T18:42:00.003+08:00

ships ahoy!

2008-11-04T19:31:00.006+08:00

i haven't posted in weeks because work has been eating up all my energy and sanity. for a while, i thought i was going to give up. but this morning, i thought about it and i'm staying. and if i'm going to do this, might as well jump into this with everything i've got.

if this ship is going down... well, i'm going down with it. ha.

And that painting on my wall that was askew (see askew), finally gave up and fell on my couch.

today, i made a very important discovery. i didn't know that you can actually talk on the phone with anyone through yahoo messenger. really. i didn't know that. i was chatting with a friend who suggested that and just called me through messenger. really. anyone in the word. all you need is a computer, internet connection and someone to talk to. i love the interweb!!!

and i have the greatest friends... REALLY. i don't know how i could have gone through the past weeks and months (and years) without you guys. you are all amazing in your own crazy ways.

this song alone made me a believer of amy winehouse. she's troubled but damn, she's talented.

NP: love is a losing game : amy winehouse
Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

eternity

2008-11-02T21:28:00.001+08:00

who would have thought that paul anka, one of my mom's favorite singers, will cover "black hole sun" by soundgarden?

i went to my mom's grave today. I miss my mom. it's crazy. sometimes, i wish she'll, somehow, show me a sign that she's watching over me. like show up in my dreams or something.

I miss my mom.

Today, my mom got the most amazing pot of flowers since she passed away. it's so special coz of the effort and love R gave into that amazing set of flowers. I have greatest best friend, ever. :)

NP: time in a bottle : jim croce
If I could save Time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
'Til Eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

to wish impossible things

2008-10-26T07:13:00.003+08:00

... I wish you met my mom. she would have thought you are perfect for me. she would think you're a genuinely nice and sweet guy and that you would treat me well. she would also think you're a little bit of a geek, but that runs in my family too. so that's okay. :) she would tell me to give you a chance because she thinks you just might be worth it.

but it doesn't matter now. coz you're not here.

and it suckssssssssssssss....

NP: to wish impossible things : the cure
It was the hope of all we might have been
That filled me with the hope to wish
Impossible things
To wish impossible things

But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish
Is gone away..

bubbles

2008-10-19T23:01:00.003+08:00

I am sooooooooooo glad that am sleeping on my own bed tonight. so tired. good thing i don't have to be at work till tomorrow night.

i really regret not going to that razorback gig last friday. i miss my friends...

i miss... a lot of things. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

eStranged

2008-10-13T17:23:00.004+08:00

i hate it when you're going through something really difficult and some people just tell you to move on. like it's the easiest thing to do. dude, it's just been 2 days. i haven't even cried yet. so, if all you're ever going to tell me is to move on. please shut up and just give me a hug, ok?

sometimes, when people are going through something, they don't need you to tell them to move on or to do whatever... because most likely, they know that. they know they have to move on... they know what they have to do. you just have to tell them that it will get better. because maybe right now, it doesn't feel like it ever will.

NP: empty : ray lamontagne
There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside you
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt you hide that fuels the fires inside you

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged

sketches

2008-10-09T17:06:00.001+08:00

I was thinking of renovating my apartment. I did some sketches, (who knew i can still sketch?) but i don't know... maybe i should move somewhere that's not 2 hours away from work. but i'll miss my family. and no one will look after tascha. maybe instead of moving closer to work, I should just move to another country. God knows I need/want a change, so bad.

i hate the mall. it's not even november yet and they're already so christmassy. i love/hate christmas. this year, i think i wont decorate my apartment. last year i took the extra effort to make my apartment look all jolly but it really wasn't at all. the plastic christmas tree, the wreath, the lights. everything. and i don't even have pictures to show.

but if i renovate my apartment, i wont have the budget to go on that trip next year... we're planning (we = me and a lot of different people) are planning a trip to any one of these places... denmark, spain, north america or australia. which, right now, means pretty much anywhere.

my aunt said they want us to celebrate my grandma's 79th birthday in texas. and that will be in March next year.

So, unless I win the lottery I won't have enough money to go to all those trips. And the odds of that happening is pretty slim since I don't even buy tickets.

Maybe i'll just renovate my apartment and go to Hongkong. or somewhere else in asia where I won't have to spend as much for airfare. But! renovating my apartment may not be a good idea right now, as I'm weighing the possibility of moving...

which reminds me, I also have a road trip to plan. =P

I'm so excited... this is going to be one of the most amazing trips i will ever take.

I need a camera or at least fix the one i have right now.

NP: black hole sun : soundgarden
Hang my head
Drown my fear
Till you all just
Disappear

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come

something... anything.

2008-10-06T21:45:00.003+08:00

Tonight is the start of my new shift and I can’t sleep. 2 am. Deja vu?

M is right. Sometimes, she says things that make total sense you can forgive her for all the other crazy stuff she says. She said just because you’ve accepted something, it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt anymore.

The past week was too awful for words. So, I’m just going to look ahead. and hope for the best. Although, knowing what’s waiting for me at the end of this week tells me this is not going to be any easier.

This sucks. But what are you gonna do, huh? Take a deep breath. Get your rain gear and face the storm. The weather sucks.

and i need to change the freakin' header of this freakin' blog.

there.

NP: hammers and strings : jack's mannequin
"Come on, write me a song
Give me something to trust
Just promise you won't let it be
Just the keys that you touch."

Give me something to believe in,
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide
So I write you a lullaby
A lullaby..."

detours (mother, can you hold me together?)

2008-10-05T22:12:00.001+08:00

The bathroom light isn’t working anymore. And changing the bulb didn’t work. I should make a list of all the things in this apartment that doesn’t work. And I don’t know, maybe fix it. Or get someone to fix it. No, scratch that, I should just make a list of all the things in this apartment that does work. It’ll be easier to come up with that short a list.

I’m so pissed off. And not just because of the light.

I lost another chub. She just flew away. I was changing their water when she flew out of the cage. I tried to catch her but all I got was a big bump on my head and a few broken clay pots. I feel really bad about the chub. I lost her love, and I really can’t have another one. They just keep dying on me. And I don’t want to get a new one just to see it die. I don’t know what to do… if I keep her separated from the other chubs, she is going to kill herself from loneliness... she cries all the time. but if I let her join the other two chubs, who are still nursing their new baby chub, then it’ll be a bloody murder…

I miss tascha. I haven’t seen her in a week. I was too busy/sick to see her. I miss her warmth whenever she’s on my lap. i think of her and my heart literally aches.

I read somewhere that happiness is a warm puppy…

NP: detours : sheryl crow
"Mother, can you hold me together?
It's so dark and I'm losing my way

Mother, I know you are with me
I can't stop looking back for the answers
I just keep coming up with regret
There are some things I just can't forget.."

i'm a mess

2008-10-05T11:54:00.002+08:00

R sent me these pictures. i really am a mess, huh? she wanted to post them here because she said i look like the girl. i guess you can't post pictures in the comments area so i'm posting them for her. i especially like the second pic... "I want YOU... to leave me alone" haha. that is so me.

and yeah... i will always be a mess.

askew

2008-10-04T10:41:00.004+08:00

np: hurt : johnny cash
"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way ..."

gRAVES

2008-10-02T21:56:00.003+08:00

my empire of dirt.

worst day EVER

2008-09-30T22:00:00.002+08:00

you've dug your own grave, now lie in it.

project: save up! part 2

2008-09-28T15:43:00.001+08:00

ok. i just bought two watches. i'll start tomorrow. promise.

i couldn't resist. they were may too pretty and shinny to turn down.

i'm dead.

i also need a new camera. and i need to stop posting lousy pictures. i know.

project : save up!

2008-09-28T11:30:00.001+08:00

i knew it. tascha is a dog supermodel. the vet said so. she's tall, thin, has amazing hair, high maintenance, whinny, snotty, and has an eating disorder. she's a gem.

i left her reluctantly at the groomers. i didn't know it'll take more than 5 hours to groom her. oh well. in the meantime, i'll get some work done on that little secret project, which by the way, is turning out to be more work than i expected or welcomed.

i also brought home some work from the office because i do/say stupid things sometimes. and this is one of the consequences. argh.

i'm having second thoughts on tascha's future. i don't want her to have puppies. i have decided that before i even got her. i have no plans of getting more dogs. one is, as proven, more than i can handle. but, it seems with all the money i've spent on her and the number of people waiting for a litter from her, i might be compelled to take the other way and look for a stud in six months.

i have a new and essential project. it's called, "project: save up!" my spending habits have been pretty lose lately. ha. lose. more like out of control. and if i want to have *some* money left for christmas shopping this december, i better wise up and save some bucks. i'm starting today.

wish me luck!

i'm not there

2008-09-27T21:26:00.001+08:00

a movie where a black kid, a woman, a french poet, batman, joker and billy the kid portray the many facets of bob dylan has to be interesting. and of course, i had to see it.

surprisingly, out of the six, cate blanchett was the most convincing.

i think, to appreciate this movie, you have to at least know a little background on dylan's life. i'm not claiming that i know a lot, i just happened to read his autobiography, "chronicles part 1" and i know the movie would not have made sense if i didn't read the book.

ok, ok... so maybe the movie didn't say much. but then, it said a lot. much like dylan, i guess.

found

2008-09-23T20:28:00.001+08:00

brand spanking NEW!

2008-09-22T21:33:00.000+08:00

the hell?!

2008-09-21T21:15:00.002+08:00

okay. so i managed to screw up this blog and i'm only on my second glass of chardonnay.

huh.

i think i've also screwed up my laptop beyond repair.

huh.

internet explorer is not even working anymore...

what the hell?!

I got the freaking bouquet!

2008-09-20T22:03:00.000+08:00

In honor of C’s wedding yesterday, I listened to STP on my way to her wedding. Which made me wish I was in high school, a time when I played tennis and drums and my mom was alive and everything was possible.

The wedding was fun. At least, for me and most of my friends, it was. I could only imagine the stress the couple went through. I love weddings, it’s always full of hope and flowers and shinny stuff.

I don’t really cry at weddings. But this one, I almost did. Wouldn’t it be perfect when, during your wedding, you read the vows written by the church and you realize that the vows perfectly describe your relationship with the man you’re marrying? I was so happy for my friend, I almost cried.

Congratulations, C and C! and thanks for the chardonnay!

NP: wicked garden : Stone Temple Pilots
"Can you see without eyes ?
Can you speak without lies ?
I wanna drink from you naked fountain
I can drown your sorrows
I'm gonna burn, burn you to life now
Out of the chains that bind you

Can you see just like a child ?
Can you see just what I want ?
Can I bring you back to life ?
Are you scared of life ?

Can you feel pain inside ?
Can you love ?
Can you cry ?
I wanna run through your wicked garden
Heard that's the place to find you
'Cause I'm alive
So alive now
Out of the dark that blinds you"

that's me inside your head

2008-09-17T21:31:00.000+08:00

Just how many pairs of shoes can a girl wear in a week? not more than 15, I would say. And yet I keep buying them. This week alone, I got 3 new pairs. I swear, they have power over me.

I think it was last weekend when my best friend, R dropped by to take pictures of tascha. It was so hard to take pictures of tascha because she was running all over the place and she stunk. Anyway, here are some of the pictures…

I went to the spa last Sunday, got a manicure, pedicure, foot spa and a chocolate facial. It felt sooo good. And I love my French tipped nails. IMHO, chocolate is still best eaten but slathered all over your face is not bad either.

There are days when I feel really positive about everything. Like there’s so much in store for me. And I know I will be able to somehow, get the things I want and reach the goals I’ve set and maybe even make my dreams come true. I know I’ll be okay. I know I’ll be fine. I know I’ll be happy. And I know I’ll get by the tough times on my own.

But there are days when you wonder if there’ll ever be someone. And it's not even about life being more convenient or easier if you have someone beside you.

it's not that. it's more like... it's just ... happier.

NP: far more : honorary title
"Is this the sound of our demise
Or just the opposite?
I love you and I miss you
What else is there to say?"

mixtape

2008-09-15T21:04:00.003+08:00

On my way home everyday, I pass by a bus terminal. And everyday, I just want to jump into the bus to lucena. Just leave the city with no plans, no destination and sit on the bus for hours and hours and listen to ray la montagne’s raspy voice. Maybe I’ll get some answers. And if I’m lucky, maybe I’ll stumble upon some kind of truth.

Hmmm… lucena isn’t that far. I don’t think that road trip will be long enough to stumble into anything. maybe i should go back to bicol. or maybe i should go up north... like vigan or I don’t know… wherever…

And maybe instead of just la montagne’s music, I should make a mix tape. Well, not exactly a mix tape, but a really kick ass playlist in my ipod.

Yey. Project!

NP: better together : jack johnson
"There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a, shoebox of photographs
with sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come we're so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together"

bad ass (part II)

2008-09-14T08:03:00.003+08:00

He who does not weep does not see.
~ les miserables

I was watching tv on a Sunday morning, wondering how to go about my day when this song played on TV and I started bawling like a cow. This song is so sad.

Recently, my friends have been telling me that I’m jaded. Which is weird because, maybe four of them used the actual term “jaded” and that I haven’t told them much to merit such comment. Huh.

I don’t really know where I’m at right now. But I don’t think I’m jaded. I know I’m scared, which I think is understandable considering… well, everything. The truth is, I’m a hopeless romantic. I want to believe that true love still exists and that people who are meant to be together actually end up together. I want to believe that there's one true love for everyone and if you work hard enough and you wait long enough, it'll happen and you'll find that happiness that you only read about in books, the kind of happiness that changes your life. I want to believe that love is true and that it's forever. I have to believe it still exists.

so... maybe I'm jaded. maybe I'm delusional... and I admit I’m scared. but right now,

i'd like to think i'm a cold heartless bitch until someone comes along and takes the time to know me enough to tell me otherwise.

NP: first cut is the deepest : sheryl crow
"I would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and she's taking almost all that I've got
but if you want, I'll try to love again
baby I'll try to love again but I know
The first cut is the deepest.."

light years away

2008-09-07T14:48:00.006+08:00

I woke up with a hell of a headache this morning. Amidst the torrent of this painful hangover, I realized that I have been so selfish lately. I just wanted some time for myself but I didn’t realize that though I am going through a rough patch, some of my friends might actually need me to be there for them. And I am sorry.

I hadn’t realized that shutting people off was selfish. Some of them may need you because they are also going though a difficult time. Some of them may need you to be around because they want to celebrate with you. Some just want to know that you’re okay. And some just want to know that you’re still there. And some just want to hang out. And some just really miss you.

I didn’t realize that hiding in a hole would hurt them. It was just my way of healing. And it’s not fair to dodge the phone calls and the messages. I know the excuses have gotten lame by this time. Yes, I have been busy but I know I could have made an extra effort. And I am sorry. I will try to get out of this.

So if you see me waving my hand, how about you take it and help out of this hole? If it’s not too much to ask. Thanks.

And by the way, I’ve gotten a lot of smack for this, my old 0917 number is no longer working. You can reach me at the 0915 number and will try to reply. I promise to try. And my home phone is not working. Again. Hehe. But globe is on it!!

I want happy back. Dammet!!

NP: light years away : mozella
"It's how you wanted it to be
It's like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend in the end

'Cuz I don't blame you anymore
Thats too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

That life seems like
Light years away, light years away"

6,470,818,671

2008-08-30T02:29:00.005+08:00

"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.” ~ P. Sawyer

“when all your dreams come true, who do you want standing next to you?”

My 19 year old friend, J asked me this question out of the blue. She said she’s been watching old episodes of One Tree Hill the past few days because she’s so excited over the coming 6th season, and one of the characters asked that question. And for some reason she thought she had to ask me that question. Totally random, I’m sure.

I remember watching a few episodes of the first season but I kinda lost track of what was going on so I stopped watching. Anyway… I told J that I’m 29 years old. For people my age, the whole “dream coming true” thing sailed long ago.

Most people I know are just trying to get by. They settle with people they do not love because they don’t want to be alone. They stay with jobs they hate because they have to and there’s nothing else out there. They keep their dreams hidden inside because it’s safe that way. They keep their dreams hidden away until they’re forgotten.

She looked at me like I was talking alien and asked again, So, who do you want standing next to you?

Do you even have to ask? It’s Lucas.
It’s always been Lucas.

Ha.

I think I better get some sleep. i have bumps on my head and I have no idea how or why I have them.

NP: here comes a regular : the replacements
"Sometimes I just ain't in the mood
To take my place in back with the loudmouths
You're like a picture on a fridge that's never stocked with food,
I used to live at home, now I stay at the house

First the lights, and the collar goes up,and the wind begins to blow
You turn our back on a pay-you-back last call
First the plants, the leaves, the grass and here comes the snow
There ain't much to rake here anyway in the fall"

massive aggressive

2008-08-25T22:18:00.008+08:00

There are days when I don’t know how many hours I’ve been awake. And there are days when I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep. All I know is that when my alarm goes off, I have to get up and go to work. I’m not even sure what date it is. The date on my phone says it’s 5-11-08. whatever that means, I’m quite sure it’s not right. Last week, while at work, I started telling everyone how glad I am that it’s already Friday and we get to finally rest the next day. It was just Wednesday. Who would have thought? I think I’ve been awake for around 40 hours.

I think this is the first time in almost a month that I got off work while the sun is still up. it’s a national holiday so the streets were almost empty. While the bus rushed through roxas boulevard, I noticed a photographer on the sidewalk. He was on one knee while he took pictures of my orange sky. I wouldn’t even have noticed the sunset if I hadn’t seen that photographer.

I wonder if his high tech camera lens can capture the sky as I see it. Or at least the way I used to. I tried to remember how it felt, seeing it for the first time. But I can’t remember much. Just that I was overwhelmed. Now… I find that it’s empty but still overwhelming.

The thing about sunsets and orange skies is that no painting or picture can ever be as beautiful… because you have to be there.

It’s just never what it is when you’re not there.

NP: masters of war : bob dylan
"And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand over your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead."

the simple life, honey

2008-08-24T12:01:00.011+08:00

"I think there’s something very valuable in simplicity and our world is kind of going to the opposite end of that." ~ castro

Thanks for reminding me, dude.

NP: all the money or the simple life honey : dandy warhols
"So if you're playin' in a rock and roll band

But still you're doing whatever the man says

Well I can tell you for the money

The simple life honey is good

So get yourself into a ranch-style home

When the neighbor's never more than a stone's throw

Well I can tell you for the money

The simple life honey is good

That's right

Yes it's good"

brain dead

2008-08-24T11:36:00.005+08:00

Where did I say I wanted to be again? Coz I forgot. For the life of me I can’t remember.

i think my brain is swollen and my head is ready to explode.

NP: Romeo and Juliet : The Killers
"Well, you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold

You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold

You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin

Now you just say, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you knowI used to have a scene with him"

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry

You said, "I love you like the stars above, "I love you till I die"

There's a place for us, you know the movie song

When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

I can't do the talk like the talk on the TV

And I can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be

I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you

Can't do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be

All I do is keep the beat, the bad company

And all I do is kiss you, through the bars of a rhyme

Juliet, I'd do the stars with you any time"

Beyond shrieking.

2008-08-23T13:15:00.002+08:00

The past three weeks have been grueling to say the least. It was an overwhelming combination of mental, physical and emotional torture. To say that I’m drained and exhausted would be an understatement. I don’t don’t ever ever want to go through something like this ever ever again, ever.

But don’t get me wrong. i wanted to do this because I know that to get where I want to be, I have to go through this. I just wish the circumstances were a bit different and I didn’t have to learn and apply everything in such a short time. Well… gotta do what I gotta do… I have a goal and I know that I have to go through this to get where I want to be.

but in the past three weeks, I have to admit, I think I grew 5 years older. I feel like I’m ready for anything. And the nice thing about this, traumatic as it may have been, is that if faced with the same kind of situation (I hope not), I know I’ll make it. Not going to be easy, but I can definitely go through with it.

And it’s not that I didn’t have fun… I did. I just wish I didn’t have to give up so much in the process. I miss tascha. I miss the chubs. I miss kori (or ben). I miss my apartment. I miss my bed. I miss jingoy. I miss my friends. And as it seems, the story of my life, I miss my home.

When this started, I just wanted to go home and scream. Then I wanted to cry. Now, it’s gone beyond that. And it’s not even over yet.

NP: Never is a Promise: Fiona Apple
"You’ll say you’d never give up seeing eye to eye
You’ll say, don’t fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie

You’ll never hear the message I give
You’ll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in, you don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie"

mugged

2008-08-04T23:49:00.003+08:00

I think I’m going to like this management training I have to take everyday after my regular shift. Well… I learn a lot. and the view is great.

You know how it is when you like someone and you get to talk to him and you’re so concerned you’ll say something dumb? Well, I said, “I love your mug”.

First: I don’t love it. I like it. a little. It’s nice, not amazing.

Second: it’s not even a mug. It’s a fucking tumbler.

Credit castrocopia for the facepalm.

Why do I have the feeling that despite having to be at work for 13 hours a day, I will go home with a silly smile on my face every night for weeks?

NP: Help Me : Joni Mitchell
"Help me
I think I'm falling
In love again
When I get that crazy
I know I'm in trouble again
I'm in trouble"

your what?

2008-08-03T21:50:00.000+08:00

"she was my Halley's comet. But the universe is designed to break your heart, right?"
-- must love dogs

dork is the new seksi

2008-08-02T15:01:00.003+08:00

Because work forces me to go to such entertaining sites such as the urbandictionary.com, I came across this geeky piece of information:

GEEK - One of four titles used to classify someone based on their technical and social skills. The other three titles are nerd, dork, and normie. The difference between the four titles can be easily shown in table form:

................ Technical ...... Social
Title ............ Skills ......... Skills
---------- ---------------- ------------
Normie ......... No ............. Yes
Geek ........... Yes ............. Yes
Nerd ............ Yes ............. No
Dork ............ No .............. No

Normie: A normal person. Blah.

Geek: An outwardly normal person who has taken the time to learn technical skills. Geeks have as normal a social life as anyone, and usually the only way to tell if someone is a geek is if they inform you of their skills.

Nerd: A socially awkward person who has learned technical skills due to the spare time they enjoy from being generally neglected. Their technical knowledge then leads normies to neglect them even further, leading to more development of their technical skills, more neglection, etc. This vicious cycle drives them even more into social oblivion.

Dork: A person who, although also socially awkward, doesn't have the intelligence to fill the void with technical pursuits, like a nerd, and is forced to do mindless activities. Almost always alone. Usually with an XBox. Like playing Halo. All day. Every day. Not even understanding how the Xbox is making the pretty pictures on the screen. Very sad.

"If you met me at a party, you would have no idea that I enjoy finite element analysis-based in viscid flow modeling using computational fluid dynamics. That's because I'm a geek. "

http://www.urbandictionary.com/

NP: lonesome tears : beck
"Lonesome tears
I can't cry them anymore
I can't think of what they're for
Oh they ruin me every time
But I'll try
To leave behind some days
These tears just can't erase
I don’t need them anymore
How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel
Lazy sun
Your eyes catch the light
With promises that might
Come true for awhile
Oh I'll ride
Farther than I should
Harder than I could
Just to meet you there"

a method to the madddness

2008-08-02T12:53:00.001+08:00

Trust me, there is.

It’s just too complicated to lay out there for you. I am slowly trying to get things back on track so bear with me. And I am sorry if I have been unbelievably short tempered and irritable. I am just so tired. I just seem to have lost any shred of patience and tolerance over the past few weeks. Oh wait, has it been months? Anyway, I’m fixing that too… so…

I think I’m going to love my new job. It’s nice to work for a company that thrives on the basic goodness of people. Ironically, I wished to be assigned to the investigations department and I got my wish. I will be making sure that the people who investigate do their job right. Just how cool is that? Can you imagine how much power I have? Hahaha.

I’ve never used this laugh my whole life and I still probably shouldn’t … because it’s just not me and I know I wouldn’t be able to pull it off... but heck.

Bwahahahaha!!!111!!!!

Well, I better go… I have to gear up for my 13 hour a day work week. Oh. what. fun.

NP: home : foo fighters
"Wish I were with you
I couldn't stay
Every direction
Leads me away
Pray for tomorrow
But for today
All I want is to be home
Stand in the mirror
You look the same
Just lookin' for shelter
From cold and the pain
Someone to cover
Safe from the rain
Echoes and silence"

she's gone to the movies

2008-07-28T22:12:00.001+08:00

There’s this song that I heard from the TV show “felicity” years ago that I really liked. I tried so find the song but those days it wasn’t so easy to find a song especially if you don’t know the title or the artist. So it just kinda slipped my mind. I think that song played (I’m not really sure) when Felicity finally jumped in the pool with Ben. If you know what I mean…

Then, probably 8 years later, it suddenly pops up on my iPod shuffle. Isn’t it amazing when things like that happen?

I am such lousy company these days, even I wouldn’t want to hang out with me. And for that, I apologize. I’ve just been really really tired. So many shit to take care of, it’s crazy. I guess this is what happens when you sleep all day for a month, huh? Ahh… makes me want to crawl back to bed and sleep for a month. Again.

Anyway, I am going to the spa later. And I’m getting the ultimate supreme feel good package. Kinda feel a bit guilty. But with the week I’ve had… I think it just about evens the field.

NP : she’s gone to the movies : semisonic

Now the rain comes down the windows and it

Drops onto the forehead of the waiting boy

He surveys his rental kingdom and he
Wonders if he's really lost his one joy

Another fool would go down to the

Only place she ever went to lose herself

She's gone to the movies now and she

Don't need your help

She's gone to the movies now and she's

Not coming home
She's gone to the movies now and she's

Not coming back

sweet little genius

2008-07-23T23:05:00.000+08:00

I trained tascha how to sit!!! She’s so smart. I couldn’t be prouder. Before you know it that puppy will be doing math. Sweet little genius. Haha.

To my friends who drop by once in a while. I now have a doorbell. Please. Stop screaming at the gate and start pushing that tiny little button on the left side of the gate. it’s a bit obscured to keep the kids from ringing the bell 10x a day.

And to those asking for pictures of tascha. I will try to get some this weekend. I still have to borrow a camera coz my old one is still broken. I still haven’t gotten around to getting it fixed. And I’m lazy.

And I know that my home phone is not working. Globe is already working on it. i’m sorry if I seem to be out of touch. For some reason I just find it incredibly tiring to text. So much of an effort.

NP: para sa masa : eraserheads
mapapatawad mo ba ako
kung hindi ko sinunod ang gusto mo
pinilit kong iahon kangunit ayaw mo namang sumama
ito ay para sa mga masa
sa lahat ng binaon ng sistema
sa lahat ng fans ni sharon cuneta

life. and life only.

2008-07-20T22:54:00.002+08:00

tascha is mad at me. She bit me and my thumb is bleeding. And while I can now eat, she has decided to stop eating. She hasn’t been eating well since she left. And I think she’s mad at me for giving her away and leaving her. she cried again when I left earlier. She always cries when I leave. I hate this.

Another chub chub died. I think they’re all fighting again coz one of them has a new egg. I should stop getting new pets. Seriously. I’m not good at this. at all.

NP: It’s Alright, Ma (I’m only bleeding): Bob Dylan
"Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?
And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only."

you know...

2008-07-19T06:00:00.000+08:00

The one day training yesterday was a total waste of time. It was useless and pointless since all they did was tell everyone how much they know. I don’t see how all those things relate to my new job… and frankly, I didn’t learn anything new. I could have stayed in my apartment and slept all day and know the same things I knew after that freaking waste of MY time.

NP: All I Need : Radiohead
"I am all the days
That you choose to ignore
I'm a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all. It’s all."

Dark Knight

2008-07-18T06:39:00.001+08:00

when they named the movie the dark knight, boy they weren’t kidding on the dark part. it was gritty and on the edge and by far the bleakest batman movie ever made. I think.

ledger was amazing as the joker. You keep looking for a person or a human being behind the make up, but you don’t see anything. Just a crazed lunatic. No rhyme, no reason. there is no doubt that this was the joker's movie. i'm not even going to say that the joker stole the movie. because he didn't. it was his.

The movie doesn’t make you breathe until the end. Coz life’s like that, I guess.. it doesn’t let you breathe until you’re way in over your head and you drown.

I think I have a new favorite joker. Hmm. Wait. No… it’s still a tie between nicholson and ledger. Oh, but ledger’s dead now. So he wins.

happiness is a warm puppy

2008-07-17T23:26:00.002+08:00

Just how many of your favorite things can you fit in one day? Well, apparently… a LOT.

- My favorite day. overcast, a slight drizzle now and then.
- My favorite strip. Finally bought that peanuts book I wanted and another one.
- My favorite ice cream. Haagen Dazs tiramisu and vanilla caramel fudge. With…
- My favorite food – crunchy waffles.
- My favorite voice singing my favorite dylan song. I smile every time castro comes up on shuffle, especially when it’s mr tambourine man.
- my (new) favorite shirt. that vintage japanese sonic youth shirt i bought in boracay.

- my favorite 19 year old. he looks so much like my college crush. and not just his smile, but more so his demeanor. they both have that sweet and childish quality that endears them to everyone.
- my favorite super hero. Batman, the dark knight. so fucking good.

My favorite day.

NP: Mr Tambourine Man : Bob Dylan
“Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.”

you got to breathe

2008-07-16T11:02:00.001+08:00

Well… I was trying to figure out what I want to eat today… as I think/hope I’ll finally have just a little of my hearty appetite now.... I was thinking maybe roast beef or pasta with meat sauce… then guess what plays on my ipod? “meat is murder” by the smiths. After hearing lyrics like, “It’s not natural, normal or kind. The flesh you so fancifully fry. The meat in your mouth, As you savour the flavour Of murder” with animal cries in the background… how could you?

Argh. And I was so looking forward to going to the grocery to get some real food now that I think I can start cooking and eating in my apartment again.

damn.

NP: Big Eyed Fish : Dave Matthews Band
“Story of a man,
Who decided not to breathe.
Turned red, purple, then blue.
Colorful indeed.
No matter how his friends begged,
Well, he would not concede,
And now hes dead.
You see, cause everybody knows,
You got to breathe.”

lost dog and tag

2008-07-15T22:12:00.001+08:00

Well, tascha’s gone now… The apartment seems suddenly so empty. Sometimes I still expect to hear her slight whimper.

I think I lost her tag. I couldn’t find it and there aren’t too many places where I could have left it.

and… I still can’t eat. But, it’s only been like 4 hours since she left, so…

While I am glad not to have to wake up at 6am tomorrow to clean dog poop… I still miss her.

Tascha, you heartbreaker you.

NP: Someday Baby : Bob Dylan
When all else fails I'll make it a matter of self respect
I try to be friendly, I try to be kind
Now I'm gonna drive you from your home, just like I was driven from mine
Living this way ain't a natural thing to do
Why was I born to love you?
Someday baby, you ain't gonna worry po' me any more.