to wish impossible things

... I wish you met my mom. she would have thought you are perfect for me. she would think you're a genuinely nice and sweet guy and that you would treat me well. she would also think you're a little bit of a geek, but that runs in my family too. so that's okay. :) she would tell me to give you a chance because she thinks you just might be worth it.

but it doesn't matter now. coz you're not here.

and it suckssssssssssssss....

NP: to wish impossible things : the cure
It was the hope of all we might have been
That filled me with the hope to wish
Impossible things
To wish impossible things

But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish
Is gone away..

bubbles

I am sooooooooooo glad that am sleeping on my own bed tonight. so tired. good thing i don't have to be at work till tomorrow night.

i really regret not going to that razorback gig last friday. i miss my friends...

i miss... a lot of things. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

eStranged

i hate it when you're going through something really difficult and some people just tell you to move on. like it's the easiest thing to do. dude, it's just been 2 days. i haven't even cried yet. so, if all you're ever going to tell me is to move on. please shut up and just give me a hug, ok?

sometimes, when people are going through something, they don't need you to tell them to move on or to do whatever... because most likely, they know that. they know they have to move on... they know what they have to do. you just have to tell them that it will get better. because maybe right now, it doesn't feel like it ever will.

NP: empty : ray lamontagne
There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside you
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt you hide that fuels the fires inside you

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged

sketches

I was thinking of renovating my apartment. I did some sketches, (who knew i can still sketch?) but i don't know... maybe i should move somewhere that's not 2 hours away from work. but i'll miss my family. and no one will look after tascha. maybe instead of moving closer to work, I should just move to another country. God knows I need/want a change, so bad.

i hate the mall. it's not even november yet and they're already so christmassy. i love/hate christmas. this year, i think i wont decorate my apartment. last year i took the extra effort to make my apartment look all jolly but it really wasn't at all. the plastic christmas tree, the wreath, the lights. everything. and i don't even have pictures to show.

but if i renovate my apartment, i wont have the budget to go on that trip next year... we're planning (we = me and a lot of different people) are planning a trip to any one of these places... denmark, spain, north america or australia. which, right now, means pretty much anywhere.

my aunt said they want us to celebrate my grandma's 79th birthday in texas. and that will be in March next year.

So, unless I win the lottery I won't have enough money to go to all those trips. And the odds of that happening is pretty slim since I don't even buy tickets.

Maybe i'll just renovate my apartment and go to Hongkong. or somewhere else in asia where I won't have to spend as much for airfare. But! renovating my apartment may not be a good idea right now, as I'm weighing the possibility of moving...

which reminds me, I also have a road trip to plan. =P

I'm so excited... this is going to be one of the most amazing trips i will ever take.

I need a camera or at least fix the one i have right now.

NP: black hole sun : soundgarden
Hang my head
Drown my fear
Till you all just
Disappear

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come

something... anything.

Tonight is the start of my new shift and I can’t sleep. 2 am. Deja vu?

M is right. Sometimes, she says things that make total sense you can forgive her for all the other crazy stuff she says. She said just because you’ve accepted something, it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt anymore.

The past week was too awful for words. So, I’m just going to look ahead. and hope for the best. Although, knowing what’s waiting for me at the end of this week tells me this is not going to be any easier.

This sucks. But what are you gonna do, huh? Take a deep breath. Get your rain gear and face the storm. The weather sucks.

and i need to change the freakin' header of this freakin' blog.

there.

NP: hammers and strings : jack's mannequin
"Come on, write me a song
Give me something to trust
Just promise you won't let it be
Just the keys that you touch."

Give me something to believe in,
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide
So I write you a lullaby
A lullaby..."

detours (mother, can you hold me together?)

The bathroom light isn’t working anymore. And changing the bulb didn’t work. I should make a list of all the things in this apartment that doesn’t work. And I don’t know, maybe fix it. Or get someone to fix it. No, scratch that, I should just make a list of all the things in this apartment that does work. It’ll be easier to come up with that short a list.

I’m so pissed off. And not just because of the light.

I lost another chub. She just flew away. I was changing their water when she flew out of the cage. I tried to catch her but all I got was a big bump on my head and a few broken clay pots. I feel really bad about the chub. I lost her love, and I really can’t have another one. They just keep dying on me. And I don’t want to get a new one just to see it die. I don’t know what to do… if I keep her separated from the other chubs, she is going to kill herself from loneliness... she cries all the time. but if I let her join the other two chubs, who are still nursing their new baby chub, then it’ll be a bloody murder…

I miss tascha. I haven’t seen her in a week. I was too busy/sick to see her. I miss her warmth whenever she’s on my lap. i think of her and my heart literally aches.

I read somewhere that happiness is a warm puppy…

NP: detours : sheryl crow
"Mother, can you hold me together?
It's so dark and I'm losing my way

Mother, I know you are with me
I can't stop looking back for the answers
I just keep coming up with regret
There are some things I just can't forget.."

i'm a mess

R sent me these pictures. i really am a mess, huh? she wanted to post them here because she said i look like the girl. i guess you can't post pictures in the comments area so i'm posting them for her. i especially like the second pic... "I want YOU... to leave me alone" haha. that is so me.

and yeah... i will always be a mess.

askew

np: hurt : johnny cash
"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way ..."

gRAVES

my empire of dirt.